Just wanted to get your thoughts on how others would handle this situation. For the past 4 years…been working with the bf and his very controlling/overly aggressive parents. The beginning of the adoption…well let’s just say we got off to a rough start. They threatened us, stalked us….and then we moved to a different state and I have been working with the bf…who is a sweetie…on taming the energy of his parents into something we can tolerate and hopefully carve out a relationship. We’ve come a LONG way. However…each visit, his parents do or say something that either crosses the boundaries we’ve been trying to set, or just out-right goes against a request we have made. For example….last year we had asked them to reduce the number of gifts and please only bring 1 gift to the visit because we didn’t want the visit to be about the gifts our daughter gets…we want it to be about their presence. So, their one gift was 1 big tote bag full of 15 presents. This year, they did respect that one wish and bring 1 small gift. However, at the end of the visit, his father got down on one knee and told our daughter that the next visit was going to be at our house. I nearly freaked out! Before I could say anything, his wife announced that they were planning on coming to our house this year, but their plans changed. Hello! No one had told us of their plans. And they didn’t ask, just told our 4 year-old daughter what they were going to do!! Keep in mind that we had set up a deal with the bf that we were NEVER to meet at our house because we DO NOT TRUST his parents (after all their previous stalking, etc.). And now that we live in a different state, we have been meeting half way at a playground or fun place where we can all play with our daughter and have a good time, Thankfully, my cousin was with me and jumped in and said, “I’ve got a better idea, you should meet at…”
Which is how we kinda left it. So, what do I do now? Should I contact the bf and remind him about our agreement to meet on neutral ground…or should I wait and see what they do as next year’s visit approaches? Keep in mind that our relationship is pretty fragile. They take things we say out of context pretty frequently and turn it into a battle.
Related posts:
Well – it’s not his job to mediate the relationship between his parents and you guys. If you *want* to have them involved and they *want* to be involved – you guys need to create your own relationship that doesn’t have this weird codependency on the birth father.
So, I suggest YOU talk to them – YOU tell them how you feel. If they want to battle – fine – you don’t have to participate. When it comes to making rules about your child, they need to be respectful. If they can’t do that, they can’t be around her, plain and simple.
Don’t make dad pay simply because his parents are complete morons…I would encourage you to build independent relationships with everyone involved and treat them as unique, stand alone relationships that stand on their own actions and reactions
Good luck!
Brandy…we have tried and failed to communicate with his parents. They are very difficult people. What they do is take what we say, twist it around, and then use our words against us. For this reason (and many others) we had approaced the birthfather and said that we would continue our relationship with him, but we could no longer include his parents. He BEGGED us to continue let them be present at the annual visit. So…we made a deal that any and all contact would be with him and him alone (to stop the hate mail from his mother) and that they could be present at the visits as long as they held to the boundaries that we set. What’s been happening is they cross the line, and when we call them on it, they give us a big sob story about how it was an accident, or they forgot, blah..blah.. and then the bf again pleads with us on their behalf. Yes, I know we could very easily say, “That’s it! Had enough! No more contact!” However, my gut is twisted inside asking the question, “but is that really the right thing to do?” So that’s where I stand…conflicted and frustrated.
to be honest, your child first grandparents sound really nutty.
I just don’t understand why they are so so obsessed with seeing their grandchild.
I mean, I appriecate that grandparents are good for children, but I am still thinking
“everything in moderation!!”
In my mind, these are the kind of people that need to know you mean business when it comes to your child. Don’t feel guilty about limiting them, if they don’t show you respect, you have no other choice. Now, I don’t mean ‘no’ contact, but I think you should stop being swayed by the first father. He sounds like someone who is used to being used by his parents what *they* want.
Contact does not have to be visits. Really, if they continue to treat you with disrespect, then(temporaily) limit them to pictures and updates. That’s my advice. and this from a first mom too!!
If contact is really important, get them to do something like write letters, or even phone calls or skype. I think if they were made to really put things down on paper, they would see how bad their behavior has really been.
Personally, my mom has only once visited my son with me. I am the one who convinced her it would be OK for her to come! She is only mildly interested in my placed son. I know she cares. Just as she cares for her other grandchildren, even though she doesn’t get to ‘see’ them very often and often chooses simple gifts for all her grandchildren, even my son.
The only reason I can think of for this behavior is that these grandparents sound very insecure about themselves. It seems like they feel the need to ‘buy’ affections and constantly ‘promote’ themselves. It’s as though they want to feel good about themselves by ‘being’ in your childs life.
I really don’t know though…my heart goes out to you.
I think I would agree to see them only if bf was present for a while. I don’t know if that would help, but that’s the only suggestion I’ve got.