Our children’s birth mother has an extremely acrimonious relationship with our daughter’s birth father’s family. We actually only learned of it a few months ago after the adoption was finalized and are not certain exactly what has happened and why. But we do now know that the birth father’s mother & sister objected to the adoption. The sister actually wanted to raise her, but the birth father would not agree to it. We do not know why he did not wish his family to raise his daughter.
The birth mother has said several times that the birth father’s family wanted contact through the open adoption, but that she would never allow it because they were mean to her during the pregnancy and they do not deserve to know how the baby is. (Which surprised me as it really isn’t her decision!)
I have an issue with this for a couple of reasons.
First off, it’s not about her. It’s not about me. It’s not about the aunt or grandmother. It is about our daughter, who will likely want to know her birth father’s family. She is currently 8 months old and I think it is better to start now rather than wait until she is older if that is at all possible. Especially as they have indicated they would like to have contact.
Secondly, the birth father is in the military and is about to leave for Iraq. He’s in the Infantry. Not to be morbid, but that has a much higher risk of death. What if he doesn’t come back? We have never met any of his family and do not know their names. His last name is very common, so finding them if he is dead would be very difficult.
We have had no direct contact with him since the adoption was finalized, by his own wish. But we do have his e-mail address, or at least the e-mail address he used at that time. My thought was I could e-mail him and ask him if he wanted us to have contact with his family. Or, if not, if we could at least have their names to save until our daughter is older so she could locate them at that time.
Through a quirk of fate, we have just discovered we are being transferred from Europe, where we have been living for 4 years, back to the United States. Coincidentally, to the same city where the birth father is originally from. (And presumably where his family still lives.) So direct contact would be much easier than it currently is.
We would like to have more direct contact with our children’s birth families, but are treading carefully.
Part of the reason why the birth mother selected us originally when we adopted our son (our children have the same birth mother, different birth fathers) is that we lived in Europe and she was happy that would limit the contact simply due to the distance. I have already e-mailed her to inform her of the move and to ask if she would like to establish an agreement for regular visits. We have not heard back from her.
We are also concerned that if we develop contact with the birth father’s family it would alienate her and we would lose that contact, which we strongly feel is important for both of our children.
We aren’t certain how to proceed and would really like the advice of those who have “been there/done that.”
A little confused – can I get some clarification?
The title is “Birth mom doesn’t want us to have contact with birth dad” but what I read here was that she didn’t want you to have contact with birth dad’s family.
I have to very different opinions, depending on which circumstance it is. Can you clarify?
Hmmm…ok so from what I can gather your daugthers first mom doesn’t like your daughter first dad, or for that matter his family?? Or does she just not trust him.
As a first mom, I personally do everything possible to make sure that my sons first dad gets as much contact as I do.
I know that, from knowing other first moms, that is not *usually* the case.
Often, first moms have not had good experiences with the first fathers of their children.
I can sympathize that if my sons first dad had treated me badly during my pregnancy(which he did not, he was as supportive as he could be) I would feel that limiting prohibiting contact with my child would be in my childs best interest. I mean, if someone were to treat me badly while I was *pregnant* how could I imagine that my child would not be in danger from this person??
This is all hypothetical though, for me, because I do want my own sons birthfather to visit with my son adoptive family, just as I do.
As well, according to law, first(birth)moms get all the rights toward the child when it comes to the decision to place. That is because, technically, before giving birth, the child is part of the birthmoms body, to which she has sole rights. Now though, she has given all the rights to her child, to you..so of course you can make the decision to set up contact with the first father and his family, if you want to. It might not bode well for your relationship with your childs first mom.
Although her feelings might be irrational(and soley based on emotion), she likely still has her childs best interest at heart.
Clearly she believes that contact with the first father is not a good idea.
Really though, you should try and communicate with her some more and try and understand where she is coming from. Would you want your worst enemy to be in the same room as the child that you love beyond imagination??
My advice is to try to talk to the birth mother and find out the whole story. Being “mean to her while she was pregnant” can have so many different meanings! I personally do not want my daughter’s parents to be in contact with her birth father because he was abusive and a drug addict. That is certainly a more serious situation than if he had just called me names or chose to be unsupportive of my pregnancy. After you hear the story you can decide how to proceed.
If you chose to pursue a relationship with the father’s side of the family, birth mom may be mad, but truthfully she will probably be more jealous than anything. She may think sharing your child with more members of the family will mean she’s not as special or that she won’t have as much contact because she’ll have to compete with them. I would explain to her that she can never be replaced as the birth mother. A child can never have too much love from too many people.
In the end, it is your decision to make, not the birth mother’s. You are the parent, you choose who you want in your child’s life and I would think the more members of the birth family your children have contact with the better (assuming the family members are mentally healthy and stable to be around and capable of such a relationship). How would your child feel when you tell them at an older age that they could have had more contact with their biological family but you didn’t pursue it so you wouldn’t make birth mom mad? Especially if (God forbid) something does happen to the birth father, you could at least potentially provide your child a connection to him through his family.
I would tell your childs’ birth mom what you are doing with contact but do not let her make the decision for you. If she prefers, keep her contact and visits (if any) separate from the others if she wishes. She may be upset, but eventually she will come to understand your decision and hopefully accept it.
It is complicated and difficult to understand. And we are definitely not getting the whole story.
Talking this through with the birth mother is easier said then done. We no longer have an address or telephone number. She sometimes replies to e-mails and sometimes does not. Any reply is rarely a full one. Generally just a sentence or two to say she got the photos (sent via the agency) or that she is still alive when I have sent a chatty e-mail to tell her about the children and ask her if she is well. It has been several days since I e-mailed her with news of the upcoming move and asking her if she would like regularly scheduled visits. She has not yet replied.
The birth mother and birth father continue to have an on again/off again relationship that appears to be toxic for both of them. At least they did last we heard. There was (and presumably still is) physical abuse. In fact, the birth mother called us from a closet where she had barricaded herself in the middle of the night to ask us to adopt the baby and we could hear the birth father pounding on the door and screaming at her. (I said we could talk about it another time when it was calmer, but that she needed to hang up and call 911! We did not know where she was at the time or would have called 911 from a second telephone.) But we also know from what he has said and from seeing it in person that she was also physically abusive towards him. They are both involved with drugs and alcohol, but I do not believe that either could clinically be considered addicted. They are definitely “self-medicating” though.
The birth father’s first wife divorced him after charging him with spousal abuse. There are two children from that relationship whom he has no contact with. (Although his family does have contact with them and send him photos and updates.) He is still married to his second wife, but has not seen her or their three children in several years. By his own admission, she left with the children in the middle of the night while he was working the night shift. I presume because she was afraid for herself and her children. She moved across the country and changed her name, but she did not change her social security number. He is a former police officer and used his PD contacts to locate her through her SS#, but stated he did not go there or tell her that he knew where she was.
The birth mother also has two older children who live with her mother. The grandmother is currently working through the legal system to have her daughter’s parental rights terminated. Those children (ages 7 & 6) are pretty messed up and have already been diagnosed with disorders. The son was expelled from preschool at 4 years old because of “anger management issues” and is currently being homeschooled by his grandmother (who never graduated from high school). The daughter is still in the public school system, but is in special classes due to developmental delays and behavioral problems. It appears in both cases that the issues are environmental and caused by the abuse, neglect & chaos they experienced as infants & toddlers. We do have contact with the grandmother and through her, our children’s siblings. She does not wish to meet our children until they are old enough to decide for themselves. (Not sure what she considers old enough.) But we do send photos and letters on a regular basis and our children will always know about their siblings.
Both the birth mother and birth father admit that neither is capable of raising children, either alone or together. Nor is that situation likely to change. After the birth of our daughter, the birth mother scheduled an appointment to have a tubal ligation to prevent additional children. We do not know if she actually had the procedure, though. And we sometimes discuss what we would do if she contacted us to ask us to adopt a third baby.
I have to admit that we sometimes wonder if we should be trying so hard to maintain the contact, especially as there is no effort from the other side, but we are committed because we feel it is important for our children that we do.
Which is part of the reason why we would like contact with the extended birth family. It will give our daughter a link to her paternal history, but perhaps a more stable link. And the fact that the first wife is still connected with them, but has no contact with the birth father, says to me that they may be a positive relationship for her to have. (Unfortunately, our son will never know who is birth father is. The birth mother’s life was extremely chaotic at the time he was conceived and she has no idea who he might be.)
An additional reason is that my family is actually a birth family. My brother was 18 and his girlfriend was 17 when they placed their child for adoption at his birth. My nephew is now 24 years old and we have no idea where he is, how he is, or even if he knows he is adopted. It was an “old style” adoption, completely closed. The agency practiced physical matching, which means he likely looks like his adoptive parents. Under those circumstances, many adoptive parents chose not to tell their children about the adoption. My brother has contacted the agency to say he would like to know his son, but his son has never contacted the agency to request contact information.
As a result, I definitely have a soft spot for the extended members of the birth family and want to keep them involved if they wish to be.
So, that’s the situation. And I just do not know what to do.
Thank you for any advice you can offer!
I’m a birthmom with a difficult relationship with the birthdad… I believe my son (C) deserves access to that part of his history, even if that part of his history doesn’t deserve access to him, so I support C’s parents’ attempts to maintain contact with him…
But, there are things that have worried/worry me about it sometimes:
1 that I will be expected to be involved in that part of the open adoption- while I support it, I know I am not yet in a place where I could handle being in the room with C and birthdad. Maybe someday… but not today.
2. that birthdad will tell C’s parents untrue things about me (and some of the more unflattering true things… I wasn’t at a high point in my life when I got pregnant) and that it will hurt my relationship with them. Or, worse, that birthdad will tell C untrue/unflattering things about me that will poison him against me.
3. that, should he become more involved, C’s parents will have less time for me.
4. that, because I’ve been around and consistent, if birthdad ever does decide to really participate in openness, the newness will be more exciting than the old standard and that will hurt my relationship with C’s parents.
5. that C will like birthdad more than me. (yes. it’s selfish. I admit it… but it’s there.)
6. that his involvement will mean “got away” with how he treated me. (there’s a lot of hurt there!)
7. that if things go rotten with birthdad, they won’t want me around anymore, either.
I would assume that some of these are similar to what your kids’ birthmom might be feeling…
My advice would be to sit down with her (in person or on the phone) and ask, specifically, what went down… let her know that you hear it and (if it was unacceptable) that their behavior was unacceptable and that you having a relationship with them is in no way evidence that you condone them treating her poorly- you’re not pursuing this relationship (primarily, at least) because you think your daughter’s paternal birthfamily deserves it, but because she deserves it. Let her know that you won’t allow them to trash her in front of your daughter or to you and that any relationship you have with them is separate from the one you have with her. And, as someone else already mentioned, reassure her of her role in your lives and your commitment to maintaining it.
It sounds like you’re trying to do what you think is best for your daughter while doing what you can to respect her birthmom- which is really all you can do… Good luck!
Sorry, Gretchen… It looks like you responded while I was typing my response… given the new information, my response is not very helpful.
I loved your reply. I was actually really hoping that YOU would reply, being a fellow first mom like me, but having an kind of experience I lack.
I do have some of the same qualms that you do though!
That my sons first dad will be favored, etc..so far nothing to actually worry about.
As an adopted child myself, I support your desire to let your child choose for themselves if they want contact with her birth family. I know my birth-mother and half sister but my birth-mother refuses to give me any information on my birth-father which upsets me. It’s my right to if I want to contact him(I’m 27 now). I’d simply like to know his name, his ancestry and any relevant medical information.
We had to deal with a similar situation, although luckily DS’s FMom and I have a good enough relationship that I was able to say flat out “It’s not about you, or your relationship with FDad or his family, it’s about what is best for DS and DS’s relationship with them. I will not become involved in any drama between various parties” .
Easier said then done, given that FDad and his parents have a terrible relationship with each other, but we have a good one with his family and the one with him is more strained. FMom and FDad’s girlfriend hate each other passionately, FMom’s parents have no idea how to reach out and create a relationship with us or DS, though they are perfectly pleasant to be around, it’s much more like good acquaintances than extended family. Some people have asked that we somehow create circumstances where they are most comfortable, even if it’s burdensome on us.
Basically with all this in mind, I let everyone know that DH and I would facilitate contact to whatever degree each person was willing/able until such a time that DS is able to maintain his own relationships, that the foundations for those relationships with him were THEIR own responsibilities, and if WE also created relationships with each other, then awesome. If not, then oh well, their loss. Also I had to kinda lay down the law about the second year that we would no longer cater to pettiness or go out of our way to ensure So and So doesn’t have to see Such and Such.
For example, this year for DS’s birthday, we arranged a trip to an area close to the families, but where we had wanted to vacation anyway. We announced “We will be in X town for these dates and are staying at this hotel. We would love to see you, if you can join us for DS’s birthday.” We ended up with 7 of DS’s family members, from both sides, at one meal together! FDad and his GF couldn’t make it that day, but came to hang with us earlier in the week.
It’s been 4 years now, and we still discuss it and clarify things, and re-examine things amongst all of us, but this is life and a bunch of people and it’s messy, and that’s okay! DS is loved, DS has solid relationships with some of his family of origin and they are growing nicely and he has taken to asking for phone calls and such.
Putting the responsibility on each individual, and taking it off of me, was immensely helpful as was declaring myself Switzerland as far as their dealings with each other.
I am an adoptive mom in a pretty open adoption. I don’t think there is a “right” answer for you, but I personally feel that the birthmom and the birthdad should have the ultimate say in whether their respecitve families are contacted. After all if someone wanted to contact my family, and I said no, I would want them to respect my wishes! If they ignored me, I would be very upset. Imagine if the birthdad wanted to contact YOUR extended family and you said no and he did anyway? How would that feel?
So if I were in your shoes, I would just say (gently) to the birthmom “I understand that you would rather we not contact his family, but we feel it is the baby’s best interest and so we are going to ask the birthdad if it is ok with him. Since it is his family, we are going to abide by what he says just as we would abide by your wishes when it comes to your family.”
Then I would try to contact the birthdad and say we understand that you do not want to be a part of the childs life, but please may we contact your family?”
My son’s birthmom is not on good terms with her family, including her parents. This means that my son is growing up with no contact with his birth maternal grandparents. I would like him to meet them, and they are good people (from what I know), but if I went around the birthmom, and went to her parents, it would (I feel) do irreperable harm to the relationship of trust i have built with the birthmom.
Yes, I want what is best for my son, but there are limits to this. For example, if what is best for him is harmful to someone else, then I need to consider this too and balance the issues.
That’s my 2 cents. I hope you figure out what works best for you and all your open adoption members.
I would never contact the birth father’s family without his permission! I thought I had clearly stated that.
But either way, it doesn’t matter. I would have no way of contacting them. I have no idea who they are. His last name is very common.
Update
I still haven’t received a reply to my e-mail to the birth mother. I have no idea if she received the e-mail and hasn’t contacted me. Or if she changed her e-mail and I don’t have the new one. That was the only contact information I had for her. The agency has also not heard from her.
I also e-mailed the birth father with the last e-mail address we had for him. No reply to this e-mail either.
Are we being divorced? Have they decided they do not want any contact any longer? I’m very sad and hope this is not the case.