That is, that contact with first families could possibly make adopted children question who is the ‘real’ parental authority and all.
I have found that this idea is really common even with first families who limit contact themselves because they don’t want to ‘confuse’ the child they surrendered.
Also, personally, my own sons adoptive family will not include me in special events and family/friends get-togethers because as well as having step-siblings who adopted and have no contact with the first family(supposedly the first moms choice??) they also have friends who adopted internationally(no first family contact of course). The children of these friends and family are very close in age with my son, that is why they spend so much time together and also why they don’t feel ‘comfortable’ in even possibly including me, even though they tell me it’s not about *me* per say. They once told me in a message(some time ago) that *most* people are not comfortable with the thought of a first mom or first family being a part of an adoptive family. I myself sometimes feel that my son is likely *better off* not knowing me too much, because I want him to follow the examples of success around him so he can be a success. A smart decent girl who has nothing to live for.
As a child, even though I was raised with the family I was born to, the most frustrating and damaging thing my parents ever did was limit information about family, mostly because they thought it would ‘confuse’ me if I was told certain things. For example, my dad hid his addiction to cigarettes while often going on and on about being healthy and such. This would confuse me because I could obviously see(and smell) things that didn’t match his words. I was really angry when I caught him smoking one day(a good decade and a half ago now) not just because I knew of the harm his actions would do, but because of the exclusion of facts from myself. This is just one small example.
What I mean to say is, how many people think that children would not be able to ‘handle’ knowing the truth(without the gory details) about their first families? Or is it the adoptive parents who can’t handle the truth, or even the first families?
Related posts:
“They once told me in a message(some time ago) that *most* people are not comfortable with the thought of a first mom or first family being a part of an adoptive family.”
To this, I say, “It isn’t most people they need to worry about, it’s the people involved. If they are worrying about what everyone else thinks – then they got bigger issues than open adoption…”
Oh..and also, kids are only as confused as the adults around them.
That’s just my personal experience and opinion
I think a lot of people believe this. Our family is pretty much aghast at the amount of information we share with our kids about their adoptions and their first family – which is all we know (in age appropriate language).
They are less bothered by the contact, but that’s because our daughter was adopted from foster care and her first family has been part of her life since birth.
I think kids get it – and even if it DID confuse them, so does physics at first, you know what I mean?
I think a lot of people believe this, too — it’s one of the most common questions I’m asked. But if they’d ask MADISON, they’d know she’s not confused and she’s actually pretty good at explaining it to her friends when they ask about her adoption.
I’ve never gotten the “confused” theory. Kids understand their world as they live it. Some kids were confused that Liam has 3 moms (were lesbians) but Liam was equally confused by a little girl being raised by her grandma. Once we explained it, everyone was fine and that was the start of the conversation that every family is different. Little kids are confused by the fact that I don’t own a car, but I don’t go out and rent one when they come for a playdate just to keep them from being confused!
It’s adults that are uncomfortable that use children’s “confusion” as an excuse.
“Or is it the adoptive parents who can’t handle the truth, or even the first families?” I think this is often the cause and in your case it really does sound like it.
My family believes the confusion theory. But we still invite our daughter’s first family to everything we can because we know it’s important for our daughter. Hope things get better, but for the time being just be there for your son every time you are invited.
It’s interesting, because two of the blogs I read regularly have addressed this topic this week.
http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com/?p=1045
http://writergrlpdx.blogspot.com/2010/06/family-ties.html
Thank you!! those are awesome!! … I was ‘triggered’ by a radio show that I listened to. Dawn was in one, and as I was at the site I started listening to some of the others past shows. One made a remark about ‘confusion’ that boiled my blood. I am glad that I am not the only one with this on her mind!!
Oh, they’re out there. I was consistently pestered by an adoptee-and-adoptive-mom who was 100% adamant that openness was confusing and ultimately detrimental for adoptees. She made me doubt myself for awhile. I now see that she was dealing with her own issues and projecting her anger on me.
My own uncle, a man with whom I was very close, told me (AT MY WEDDING) that I should cut ties with my daughter’s family so that they “could live their own life.” He further hinted at a confusion thing. That stays with me to this day.
In my personal experience, kids will accept what you give them. If you don’t give them anything, however, they have nothing to go on. Lack of information is a breeding ground for confusion. My children, the lot of them, have questions but do not show signs of confusion. They show signs of acceptance, understanding, curiosity and, of course, love.
I know, lots of people I know at work think it’s ‘weird’ that I go to see my son. I guess they think if I want to see him, then why didn’t I just ‘keep’ him in the first place.
You’re awesome Jenna, you words always comfort me.
You are so so right.
I just hope with all my heart that my son understands.
Thanks again for your input
I know a lot of people say they believe this, but honestly I think it is something they just say, as if it is conventional wisdom, and don’t really think it through. When someone tells me I am confusing my adoptive son by allowing his bmom to have contact, I just tell them he is not confused by having two mommys any more than their child is confused by having two grandmas, or two aunts. And that is the truth! He knows whats what. And he is only 4.
Usually they just look at me and don’t say anything. I think they are only then thinking it through and are like, oh yeah. That really is not confusing in the least!
I think confusion happens because of how the openness is dealt with, so some kids may be confused where others are not. I have two adopted children, both open adoptions, and I actually see somthing within most of these responses that is one of the things that I feel causes the confusion. In our adoptions, we use the term ‘birthfamilies’ with ‘birthmother’, ‘birthfather’ etc.. I see from the above posts that everyone seems comfortable with using those types of terms (ie: first family etc..) in reference to themselves, and yet they continue to call the adopted children ‘son’ and ‘daughter’. Should it not be ‘birthson’ or ‘birthdaughter’? To me, this is the type of thing that causes confusion for the children, not the openness.
My daughter gets called “my daughter” by both myself and her birth mom and she’s not confused. I think language is more flexible than people realize. My daughter has called us both “her mother” and she has called us both “mommy” and “mama” (although she usually calls Pennie by her first name). She has referred to Pennie (in conversation) as Pennie, my birth mama, my real real mama, my mother who borned me. She’s referred to me as my mommy, my mama mama, my adoptive mother. How she uses it depends on who’s listening — she’s not confused but she appreciates other people might be and she changes her language for the context. She’s also referred to herself as Pennie’s daughter, my daughter, Pennie’s birth daughter, my adoptive daughter, etc. but most generally the labels she uses are: Pennie, Mommy, Daughter
Don’t worry, your child will not be confused. My son is 21 now and has known his birth family since he was 2 years old. He is very well adjusted. He travels out of state to family reunions with his “birth” grandma and even has a new baby “sister” (his birth father recently had a daughter). There are no “how-to” manuals out there for raising a child in an open adoption. We let my son decide how much contact he wanted. In the very early times, before he could express himself well, the visits were always with us present. I believe when he was about 4 he spent the night with the grandparents and his birth father started taking him out on outings when he was 4 or 5. He would call every 5 or 6 weeks or so and I let my son decide if he wanted to go. He always wanted to go. They had a great time together. Don’t give into fear and pressures from well-meaning family and friends. This is one of those things you have to follow your gut on. Remember children are not your posessions, adopted or otherwise. They are God’s children and entrusted to your care.