I am an adoptive single mom of a 4 year old. He was removed from his birth mom’s custody when he was 9 months old (for neglect) and became my foster son and now is my adoptive son. His bmom and I maintain a very open adoption. We call each other every month or so to say hi, my son understands who she is and loves her.
We live in different states and when I adopted I committed (not legally) to two in person visits a year. Either she comes to our home for the weekend or we go to her home state and stay in a hotel and spend the day with her. I pay for all travel.
This is all fine but last year she had another baby, and the baby’s father immediately thereafter went to prison for a violent crime. I already told her that she could bring her new baby to her next weekend visit here. Now she is asking me if she can bring her boyfriend who just got out of prison! (Just to be clear, this is NOT my son’s birth father).
Obviously my answer to her was no. However, I feel that my comfort level is being stretched to the max here. I want to let her know that our visits in the future are only going to involve her and not any boyfriend, friend, or anyone else. I would feel fine about her bringing her child (or children) but not any other adults. I do not feel at all comfortable about her ability to choose trustworthy people to be around my son.
She was hurt that I told her her boyfriend could not come. So I want to be sensitive but firm. Also, the purpose of these twice yearly visits is for my son to get time with his birth mom. He shouldn’t have to visit with her entire current family. I can see that that might hurt him as he would wonder why he was left out of that family?
Any insight into how to handle this would be appreciated.
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I gotta tell you, from my perspective you seem to have handled this really well. You honored your boundaries, you were still welcoming. At the same time it’s understandable why she’d be upset. That’s not to say that you’re wrong (this is a boundary I would have, too) but that if she thinks he is safe enough to be with and parent with then she’s not going to understand why you don’t see it the same way.
I hope that when she does visit you guys can talk a little more about it. I wouldn’t say anything about her ability to make good decisions though and instead focus on THIS situation and THIS boyfriend. Because theoretically she could meet the most fabulous man next month and want to bring him and you might love him like crazy and say, “Sure! Bring him!” But this is not that guy (obviously). And yes, that might hurt your son (the feeling left out part) but that’s not why you’re saying no to this boyfriend — you’re saying no because he feels unsafe.
If and when (we hope when!) she finds a great guy, you can think some more about what that means for your son. (My daughter’s first mom is with a great guy and has a baby with him and yes, my daughter does feel left out but as time has gone on, she has also been welcomed very much as part of that family, too, and she loves them like crazy. The left out feeling part would have happened whether she’d met him or not — that was more about having a new brother, really.) But really that’s a cross the bridge when you come to it.
There really is nothing left to say. . . Dawn said it all! ;0) I do agree you set your boundaries well. We have met many boyfriends. None (yet) that I would say are good enough for the beloved birthmom of one of our children. Part of it is seeking our approval of the man in her life, part of it is us wanting to know about the man in her life, part of it is her seeking approval from the man in her life about her son and his adoption and our family. We were a little uncomfortable with them coming to our house at first. . . but we did it anyway–BUT–these are not people convicted of violent crimes. Now and then, we ask that she doesn’t bring anyone else so we can spend some more “private” time with her and she can have more “quality” time with her birthson and with us.
We will, however, most likely, be experiencing some things at a level closer to you as one of our other children grows. Our boundaries will be tricky. So, keep us updated on how things go and what worked for you!!!!
Dawn, Jodi,
Thanks for you great advice/affirmation of the way I handled this. Since I posted I actually spoke again with bmom while making travel arrangements for her and her baby. At first we did not discuss the boyfriend thing and it was a little awkward. Then I said ‘hey, sorry you were upset by my decision. When you get here maybe we can talk it over a bit more”. She said ‘oh, no, don’t even worry about it. That is fine. I understand.”
I was so relived that this is not becoming a big issue. I truly like her and to be honest feel a little motherly toward her too (she is quite young). So it was bothering me that she was upset.
However I have learned that it is usually best to be honest with bmom about my feelings and to encourage her to do the same. That way neither person gets built up resentments. So far so good! I am really proud of the relationship she and I are forging. I make my best effort to reach out to her, and I try to answer the phone when she calls even when sometimes I don’t want to (I feel I am honoring our agreement). In turn I trust her more as time goes on because she never challenges my role as adoptive mom. She even sent me a mother’s day card the first year, which I was very appreciative of.
So this is one more time that I was flat honest with her and it worked.
Dawn you are right too about not making sweeping generalizations. I am glad I didn’t do that.
Thanks!
Betsy, you rock.