After 2+ years of fostering our neice(came to us at 3months due to bmother’s substance abuse problems, etc and now we’ve adopted her and she’s 3) The bmother settled on the day of her trial for an open adoption with us b/c her lawyer advised her heavily on doing so so she could at least see her daughter.(bmother never cooperated with DSS and couldn’t stay clean) So in the Open Adoption the bmother (who is my sil) is allowed 2 visits a year as long as she calls 2 weeks before visit and confirms visits the day before…Well for this visit(only her 2nd) she called to set up the visit but never called to confirm the day before….So I get a call on the day of the visit saying she’s at the meeting place…I told her she didn’t follow the agreement and I can’t make assumptions when I hadn’t heard from her…Well she was telling me how she has a call into her lawyer…..I’m pretty confident they’ll just tell her she has to follow the legal agreement and she didn’t…But is there any chance I will get a call from a lawyer??? I really don’t want to go to court for this but she was absolutely in the wrong. I have documented every phone call, conversation, letter over these passed 3 years and she consistently does the wrong thing…????? Any advice would be appreciated….I have gone above and beyond to help this woman and am keeping out side of the agreement 100%
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You are unlikely to get a call from a lawyer.
That said, maybe you could have responded by trying to set up another visit. Remember, open adoption is not about punishing or rewarding your SIL — it’s about giving your child connections to her first family. I totally understand being angry and frustrated with SIL but I think it’s important to continue to give her opportunities to succeed. How about setting up a visit where you won’t mind if she bails? Like at an ice cream shop where it’s fun to bring your daughter even if birth mom doesn’t show? Or a park?
I agree. I think that requiring the two week notice makes a lot of sense, and I LOVE the idea of making it a fun thing that can still happen whether she shows up or not.
You should check with your local DSS office and ask what the rules are in your state. Here in Massachusetts parents have a right to an attorney. If they are indigent and most families involved with DCF here are, the attorney will be paid for by the state. BUT – once the parents’ rights are terminated, they do not have a right to a free Court appointed attorney to enforce the open adoption agreement. So unless your SIL can afford an attorney on her own, she is unlikely to have one.
I also adopted from foster care and realized early on that my son’s bmom is cognitively not capable of following through with all the hoops and hurdles written into the Open Adoption Agreement. We could easily have closed the adoption long ago – but we didn’t. Because we really want to honor the spirit of the agreement. And because the visits have been healthy and fun for our son.
Plus – I know that it is highly unlikely that my son’s bmom even has a copy of the OA to remind her of what the rules are. Even if she did, she doesn’t understand it and there is not likely anyone around to explain it to her. We work around her limitations. We don’t wait for her to contact us – we contact her. We don’t wait for her to confirm, we call her to remind her (repeatedly). We schedule visits near wherever she is living at the time and always at a place where our son is guaranteed to have a good time (playground, bowling alley).
I know it is hard – and frustrating and complicated by the fact that your child’s bmom is family. But OA can work after foster care. It takes work and flexibility.
Good luck on your journey.