I recently posted here about the possibility of meeting my son’s first mom for the first time at a public event. I appreciated all the encouragement I received and we did meet her. It was wonderful to see her in her element and felt very comfortable to me.
After the performance, she greeted us warmly. We spoke very briefly, took a photo of her with our son and then she said goodbye. Her interaction with our son was very brief — she said hello to him and stood next to him for a photo.
Since then, my son has not wanted to talk about her and if I mention her he says, “I don’t like her” or “She’s mean.” We have the photo we took framed in his room and he points at it and says “I don’t like her.” I am thinking that he is just overwhelmed, perhaps beginning to understand that this person we have always talked about is actually REAL. I don’t have any concern that he truly doesn’t like her, but I’m not sure of the best way to respond to him. I’ve been saying, “That’s okay if you don’t like her. But I like her a lot and she loves you very much.” Any input?
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I’m going to go out on a limb here. There was a time when my daughter was angry with her first mom only she expressed this by being rough with her and not with words. What she needed was for me to give words to what she was feeling, which took some careful discussion. For my daughter there were two issues:
–She was angry at her mom for giving her away. I know that’s not the politically correct way to talk about adoption but those were my daughter’s words. I said to her, “You seem very angry, can you talk to me about that?” She couldn’t really (she was about three? Four?) Then I said, “I wonder if you’re upset because you are missing her?” And that’s when it came out.
–The other thing she needed, and this was later but could have some bearing, was explicit permission from me to LOVE Pennie. I just looked it up — it was when she was four and it was here: http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2008/10/01/visit-decompressing/
So I guess I’d encourage you to dig in and ask about his feelings and I’d start with asking if she is angry with her because I think very often when kids say, “I don’t like this person” it’s because they are angry with that person.
Thanks Dawn. I’ve always admired how you talk with Madison and appreciate your input here. My son is only 2, although a very, very verbal two year old. I’ve tried asking him why he doesn’t like her, but he just says, “I just don’t.” Maybe I’ll try the “you seem angry” approach and see if he can express himself.
I agree with Dawn. Personally, I would like to say that even though I love my son like theres no tomorrow, he doesn’t really like me either. I am ok with that, I know that my son is well-loved and that he might see me as a person that threathens the love he knows.
Take heart, your son will change his way of thinking over time as he grows up.
I know you would like to be able to direct his thinking into postive ones, but there is no guarentee that you will succeed.
Dawn’s kind of an expert on this helping a child understand adoption, try what she says, she’s smart.
Our daughter is an infant, only 16 months old, but we had a similar experience today when meeting up with her birth family. It’s been a year since she’s seen them, yet she knew them and rejected them *immediately*. It was very hard on all of us, as she clung to me for the entire visit (3 hours) and wouldn’t let go to play with her sister, eat lunch (her favorite past time) or even pet the dog. I hugged on her mom and dad, patted them, told her how much I liked them and how much I trusted them, but she wouldn’t loosen her grip on me. It broke their hearts to sit there and not even be able to watch her play.
I took her to the back to change her diaper and she pointed down the hall where they sat, shook her finger and said “No no!” Then she patted me, said “Mama,” and then pointed down the hall and waved. “Bye-bye,” she said, and in her own way she told me that I was her momma and she wanted them gone. As soon as they left she let go of me and ran off playing with her sister, laughing. We are going to try again tomorrow, but damn, this sucks! I want the open adoption for her, but if it stresses her this much every time I’m not sure I’ll encourage visits until she is older and asks for them. Of course I’ll keep up the level of continuous email and phone contact between us, just not the physical visits if this upsets her so much. Dawn, what are your thoughts? I value your opinion (and that of all of you who have been at this longer than me).
Soper, I’m gonna write you off blog because there’s some stuff that I’m not wanting to put out here, ‘kay?
Thanks for all the responses. My son said again that he didn’t like her and I asked him if he felt angry. “Yes,” he said, “I don’t like her because she’s NOT my best.” Then he held my hand and said, “YOU”RE my best and I would be sad if you leave.” It was a big revelation and I took the chance to tell him that I am his mommy forever and that I will not leave him. Over time, I hope that I can help him feel comfortable loving/liking BOTH of us and not feeling that a relationship with his first mom threatens his place in his own family.
Sharon, that is just great that he was able to share that with you! And that you were right there ready to listen. You rock!