They know my full name and where I live. I’ve told them that I need space. My child’s a-parents just won’t leave me alone. It’s not that they’re constantly in touch but every time I feel that I’m healing a little bit, I get an email or a text message and it just tears me back apart.
I think if I was sure it was best, I could brick up that doorway to communication so that neither of us could ever pass through it again. I don’t want to do that…but I want the doorway to remain closed for now, no surprise emails or text messages. Nothing that arrives by mail to blindside me on a day that had been going well until then.
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I don’t think this is the best site (an open adoption support site) to get help *closing* an adoption. Most of us who are here are here because we believe in openness. But I do think you might get some support about setting boundaries. It’s reasonable to want to control how and when you are contacted for now. (Although I think you should revisit this as time goes by since your feelings might change and eventually your child may want input.) I think you should approach the adoptive parents and let them know how it feels to get “side swiped” unexpectedly. Let them know the emotional toll this takes on you. Together you can think about having a more predictable schedule so that you can prepare yourself and give yourself room before and after. You may also want to find a third party intermediary for the time being. is there a friend or family member (if the agency or lawyer is not available or is not workable for any reason) who can be that contact? Who can hold letters or get messages to you if there is an emergency?
I was going to say much the same as Dawn- setting up a specific update schedule and using a third party would give you control over when you receive information. Say, if you know they’ll be sending a letter March 1st, you know it will be available for you to pick up any time after that you are feeling emotionally strong enough to do it. If you’re feeling strong March 3rd, great… if not, you can wait until July to see it… or October. Another way this could work is for them to set up a private blog that you could go to and look at when you want and can handle the information and don’t have to be caught off guard with it when you’re really struggling.
You didn’t mention how old your child is, but you may not always feel this way. Setting protective boundaries would allow you the space you need now without totally shutting out the possibility of future communication.
I am a first(birth) mom and I just want to tell you that “open adoption” is not about how you feel. Your feelings are important, yes, and I understand that you are having a hard time.
Open adoption is for the benefit of your child. It is so that your child will understand everything that *your* child needs to understand. Being there for your child, through open adoption is not easy for a first(birth)mom, but it is about *your child* and not your feelings.
Being in emotional pain can be a good thing. I believe that we, as human beings, need to feel all our emotions to the fullest, including painful emotions.
I want to compare it to a sort of physical healing process. If you have a sore(from some unfortunate accident or illness) you need to keep cleaning it in order for it to heal. If you *do not* clean this sore, it will get infected, possibly badly, and cause your body more damage than the sore did intially. Ask anyone who has had to nurse a gunshot wound. The scapes are not allowed to grow because they will trap harmful bacteria inside the body with them.
This pain that you are feeling when you are ‘blindsided’ by messages and such may be needed. Even if you decide or figure out a way to shut your childs adoptive family out of your life, your life itself will still ‘blindside’ you in many ways that you can’t possibly predict.
Also I really want you to think about your child, when he/she grows up and wants to know things, will you be able to tell him/her?? Will the knowledge of this possible disappearance in your child life now negatively or positively affect your child?? Think about your child, even if it hurts, especially if it hurts, because the most important things in life are also always the hardest things in life to do.
Cindy,
I just wanted to let you know that I think you are simply amazing. That’s what I feel when I read your posts. Wow. . . . My prayers and support are with you!!!
*blushing* aaww…*totally loss of words* umm..thanks!! =)
Thank you for your reply to this question Cindy. The OP could very well be writing to me (except I don’t text). We continue to send updates, pictures and the occasional email to Liam’s mom and I fear that her reaction is going to be the same as the OPs since she has pulled away contact and does not respond to us. And I don’t know what to say to Liam about that.
One solution for all involved would be to communicate. I have a hunch that you don’t want to completely close these doors forever, just until you are better equiped and able to deal with the pain and raw emotions that the messages you receive bring to the surface. You need to be able to tell the a-parents how you are feeling. Let them know that it hurts. (I’m sure they can understand that more than you realize right now. They have been through a lot of pain in their past as well only from a different perspective, I am sure.) That said, you also need to seek the assistance of a therapist or counselor in dealing with your feelings (grief is the main one I would imagine) so that you are better able to cope with them (and kinda like Cindy above said, so the wounds heal from the inside-out and don’t heal only on the outside so they leave a festering absess on the inside). Another suggestion would be to continue to allow the a-parents to send messages and the like, but have them go to a trusted friend that can hold on to them for you, for now, until you have dealt with these emotions that are causing you so much pain right now. I don’t believe it will always be the awful pain you are experiencing now because adoption is a gift you gave to your child, and while it hurts you right now, it is the most loving, caring thing a birth-mother can do for their child. I trust that in the future things will be easier for you. God Bless you for what you were able to do for your child! It takes courage and guts to do what you did and I, for one, applaud you.
Our daughter’s birthmom just closed our adoption. When we started our process my husband and I were unsure how open adoption would affect us and 2 1/2 yrs. into it we enjoyed updating our daughters birthmom. To let you know there was never any contact from the bmom, her decision. I had always hoped she would change her mind about that. Then the letter came that stated she did not want to receive any more updates. I cried, even though she had not contacted us, she is apart of our family and I was saddened for our daughter. In past letters I had let her know that we could change our adoption contact as needed. She also stated that she had moved and now we no longer have any way to contact her. Please consider everything that people have said above there is a lot of good advice. Good luck.
I would be so sad. I guess I would recommend to continue writing those updates and saving them for her. She may think she wants to close things now because it is so difficult for her. . . but she may change her mind again–or even when your daughter is an adult you can explain this to her and pass on the letters to her someday. Your daughter is only 2 1/2 and a lot can change in the next few years, months, even weeks. I hope things change for you.
if you feel it needs to be closed, close it! If the aparents know all your info, when the child is an adult,
if contact is wanted by the child, then you can answer questions for him. seem like the only one wanting it now is Aparents.
Melissa, it sounds like you are not clear that the purpose of our site it to support openness in adoption. From this comment (and other comments here and elsewhere) it also sounds like our values (posted right at the top of every page on here in the blue box) don’t resonate with yours. Our site is certainly not for everyone and if you are not wanting encouragement or to give encouragement around open adoption, you may find more support for your point of view elsewhere.
sometimes the best interest for the child is to close the adoption. not to punish a bparent, or punish
an aparent, as people here sa,y but to protect the child. if a bparent isnt comfortable with contact, let it be. maybe they will come around, maybe not, but to live life looking through rose colored glasses isnt productive. yes open adoption is good, and yes sometimes so is closed, every one has to be open minded! the old saying if it doesnt need fixing dont fix it…in adoption, i beleive if its…its it NOT working..FIX IT!
This is not a site to help people close an adoption. This is a site to encourage people towards openness. People who come here hoping that they will get advice on closing their adoptions or who want other people to help them justify that decision should remember the name of the site.
” We are flexible, understanding that needs and circumstances change. ” that is what im talking about. if a circumstance changes, you have to adapt. if openess is going to emotionally or physically, harm your child, you have to protect them. Just because someone chooses to close an open adoption does not mean that honor the connection,,it means they honor the fact that its not productive to continue..AT THAT TIME. IF you have all contact info it can certainly be tried again at a later time.
We very much agree that an adoption should be open, but you also need time to heal. We advised our son’s b-mom that we knew it was a hard decision and she would need time to heal. We advised that we will not force him on her, that we would know she was ready for photos and communication when she contacted us. Our son is 8 weeks old. She sent a text 2 weeks ago asking for pictures and sent another 2 nights ago letting me know she was ready to see us. We will be seeing her at the end of this month. Don’t close the door, although you have an open adoption, you need time to mourn, to request time is not bad, In my opinion it is the healthiest thing for all involved.