Or maybe, my question is “what is a ‘parent’”? I think this is a touchy subject but I would really appreciate some thoughts. Our birthfather said that my husband and I are not our son’s parents. He said that “legally, we take care of him” but that he and the birthmom are his parents and make the decisions about his life. His sister told us that this is the over-arching challenge in our OA- that the birthparents honestly think that we are just raising their son for them. The first 9 months of our son’s life, they would shuffle him off to family or friends when they weren’t up to parenting him. Then they would go get him back. Finally, our bf’s sister and mother said “no more” and encouraged adoption. The sister told us that Child Protective Services was about to remove our son from the bparents- they contacted her looking for him a week after we brought him home.
2 months after we brought our son home, the birthmom started emailing with her directives. She told us he can’t celebrate any holidays or birthdays. She told us to pad our walls and doors when he started walking. She told us that he must wear shoes when he plays outside. It’s not given as advice or her opinion, it’s told to us as what we are to do while caring for her son (like he’s at the sitter’s or something). We usually try to ignore those emails or we politely respond that she doesn’t need to worry or that we were raising him in our faith like we’d agreed before placement…
They are his parents in that he wouldn’t exist without them. They do love him. We’re his parents because we are pouring our lives into raising him. Who are we all, really?
No related posts.
I think you’re asking the wrong question here. First of all, you ARE the parents and you are responsible for him. Second of all, they are the parents, too, but they have no parental rights or obligations. They have surrendered those rights and obligations and you have assumed them. Of course they are still parents (he is their son, too) but you are the ACTING parents.
I think your question is more about how to handle an incredibly difficult adoption. It sounds like both parents need some help understanding and accepting their new role in their son’s life. I think these later adoptions really need extra care and unlike foster-to-adopt (where one hopes there is a case manager who has been working with the first family ongoing and facilitating the child’s move to his new home) when they’re done through a private agency or lawyer, there isn’t always that support you all need. It’s a lot for you to handle and it should not be your job to lay it all out for the parents but it might end up being your job anyway. What sort of counseling did they have beforehand? Are there any issues that might lead you to believe that they didn’t understand their decision to place their son? And will their families be a help in supporting them in understanding this?
The first thing I would do, frankly, is create a filter for their emails and then only read them when I felt up to it. And I’d set up a phone schedule and let them know when I’d be available (caller ID is your friend). Because you can’t control their behavior and you can’t control what they think of you or even how they see themselves in their son’s life. But you can start setting up some boundaries that will let you handle the situation on your own terms. It sucks, I know. It would be nice if this adoption had played out differently but the best you can do is be clear about your limits with yourself and then with them. Everyone’s open adoption looks different and it sounds like yours will need to be more structured and that’s ok. Frankly setting these kinds of limits might save you all from getting to the point where you feel like you need to shut things down entirely. It sounds like you’re feeling very emotionally battered by how things are going now and you need to take care of yourself so that you are better able to handle what sounds like may continue to be a harder relationship, you know?
You are right, Dawn, I am feeling very beaten up right now. My husband has directed me not to read anymore of their emails and to forward them to him. Fortunately, we have never shared our phone numbers with them, on the advice of our attorney. It’s only 4 months into this placement and our first visit is a month away…
Before placement, we paid to have them both independently evaluated by a psychologist as to their ability to understand what was going on with their son and the adoption process. He certified them ok to proceed. We also have paid for some pre- and post-placement counseling.
Our understanding is that our bmother has a very strained relationship with her family and is not supported by them. She’s in her mid-30′s, living in a group home and employed as a mental health professional with a hospital. Our bf’s sister and mother are trying to help us and help them- this must be very trying for them, as well. Our bf lives with his parents in another state because he doesn’t believe in working (his words) and doesn’t believe in the authority of the government (even though he accepts welfare). He’s in his mid-50′s. He is diagnosed manic-depressive (my mother also has that diagnosis, so I have experience with it). Our bmother suffers from a permanent brain injury after something fell on her head many years ago and seems like she does have some cognitive impairment.
The bf’s comment about who are the parents is in direct response to us trying to set clearer boundaries. However, his sister believes that what he said is their deeply-held belief and not just an anger response. They recently went on a cruise to Jamaica and sent a card to our son that was written like parents who had just left their child with a relative while they took a vacation. I save what they send for him but that card I didn’t- it was kinda disturbing to read for me as an adult and I didn’t want to risk it being too disturbing for him someday…
This morning, we got scathing emails from both bparents separately about how we misrepresented ourselves as being better people than we really are, we haven’t kept to our written agreement (our attorney says we have gone above and beyond our agreement), and that we have shorted him money in a reimbursement (also not true). Our bf reminded us that the bmother’s comments may come from the voices she hears in her head and not really be her own thoughts (apparently she is even more heavily medicated than we understood). My husband says he is going to respond that they need to communicate in a more respectful manner or they won’t be able to email us anymore. If they are negative during the visit next month, my husband said he will end the visit immediately. Our son doesn’t need to be exposed to anger or intimidation from them.
I guess I did ask the wrong question…seems like my question is how to balance compassion for their unique challenges with our own needs. It’s funny that I serve as a deacon in our church and the services we provide are called “compassion ministries”, yet this is the core of my struggles with these relationships with our bparents
But our bf’s words did get me to pondering philosophically about what it means to “be a parent” and “to parent.”
Our attorney advised us to change our email and not tell them. We don’t really want to do this but may have to. We really were hoping for a very different OA relationship- so disappointing…I am considering getting some supportive counseling myself…
I appreciate everyone’s comments, thank you.
OK, now that I know more it sounds like the level of mental health issues here mean that your expectations for their behavior may be what has to change because maybe they can’t change that behavior. I wish we were face-to-face because I don’t want this to sound harsh so pretend I’m sitting across from you in a coffee shop and I’m asking this all gently and carefully, ok? Now when you get those nasty emails that question your abilities or assert their parenthood, what actual impact does this have on your life? Answer: NONE. So don’t let them impact you. I mean, they cannot take your actual parenting away from you and they don’t actually have any say in your parenting. I know they’re painful to read but you can choose NOT to be pained by them. You can reframe the way you’re seeing them and reacting to them and remind yourself that both of your son’s parents are mentally ill and struggling. To expect them to be different is like getting angry that someone with a broken leg isn’t getting upstairs fast enough — they can’t do any better.
Now that doesn’t mean you have to feel like you live at their mercy either. You can filter the emails, you can deal with them only once a month. You can even choose not to read them all and just once a month do a quick scan for news and then send a reply. You can cut back on phone calls, too. And you may need to do this especially as you get your “sea legs” in dealing with them. It will likely take some time for you to get into the practice of remembering that they are unable to do any better.
As to changing your email — you could do this but I’d encourage you to *keep* the email you’ve given them, too. That would be another way of filtering. You could log into that email account once a month.
Because people ARE going to tell you to close the adoption and that’s not the answer — the answer is to figure out how to make THIS open adoption work and that might mean things like creating some means to force the boundaries for your own sake since they don’t sound capable of following guidelines you set up, you know? It may mean turning it into a semi-open adoption because maybe too much openness is too much for this relationship to handle. It sounds like you feel like you’re under siege so you have to remember that you have the real power here — remembering that will make it easier to react to them with compassion, you know? To say, ugh, this is so hard to read but I know this is who my son’s birth mother is and I’m just not going to let it get to me.
The other thing is to remember open adoption is not about punishment or rewards for birth parent behavior — it’s about keeping a connection for your son when he’s older. So if you can keep your eye on THAT prize, you can figure out how to make decisions. You can ask yourself, “Is this helping build the opportunity for connection for my son? Or is this hurting it?” But remember that you can only control YOUR behavior.
What kinds of structures are you building for the visit?
(I’m curious — when you say birth mom is employed as a mental health professional, what do you mean?)
Your comments are worded very well, Dawn- no offense taken at all.
To answer your question: Our birthmom provides counseling to people with mental illness- exactly how she does it with her challenges, we don’t know. She gave us her business card at our first meeting. She has also emailed from her work and sent pictures of her work friends visiting our son pre-placement, so we know it’s the truth. And her ongoing counseling is covered by her insurance.
We received an email from our bf’s mother last night where SHE herself encouraged us to change our email. She said that our bm can be very manipulative and her son can handle himself better than he has been. She said that the rest of the family have full faith in us and that we should be enjoying our son and not to let anyone “ruin it.” Strong words from his mother.
For the visit, we’re doing it in a public place (our attorney and the bf’s family advised us never to invite them to our home). Our bf’s mother and his sister are coming to try to help everyone through the situation. Our bm is inviting her mother (who has insisted that our son be dressed as a girl when she visited pre-placement) and one of her sisters. 2 of our close friends, who are our son’s godparents, are coming as support for us. We are keeping the visit to no longer than 90 minutes, as it will be held between our son’s naptimes and he will just be 15 months old. As our bm was not allowed to be left alone with our son pre-placement out of fear she might accidentally injure him, we have been warned by our bf’s mom and our attorney to watch her very carefully when she interacts with our son.
We have encouraged them to read about “stranger suspicion” in toddlers so that they might be prepared for how he may react to them. He has a shy streak even around people he sees regularly and we didn’t want them to be too upset if he didn’t run into their arms when he saw them.
I know that he deserves to be able to try to have a relationship with his bparents. I wish I had a crystal ball, not only to see the upcoming visit, but also to see our son’s future with this extended family
And I hear what you are saying about saving everything for him, even the things that might not show his bparents in the most flattering way.
One more thing — save stuff. Even the disturbing stuff. You can’t — and shouldn’t — protect your ADULT child from the reality of who his parents are. Sure, you have to screen things when he is a child but once he grows up, he has a right to it and you will be there if he needs you. So even that card? He will have a right to it one way and I’m sure reading it will help him understand more about who his birth parents are and it will also help him figure out what kind of relationship he wants to have with them.
As a first mom I would never ever ever tell my sons adoptive parents how to parent him.
Of course that is because, personally, I just don’t feel I know anything about real parenting.
I know what kids need and stuff, but I personally,(with the exception of pregnancy) have never actually parented. I have taken care of kids but I know that parenting is so much more than ‘baby sitting’ for sure.
Anyways, you can ignore the above ramblings if you want, that’s just my sort of ‘disclaimer’.
I agree with Dawn(that is YOU Dawn, right?) that what you have to deal with is very tricky.
Honestly I really think that you just need to be patient. Sounds like, to me, that your sons first parents sort of build up a ‘habit’ of running their sons life through others. Constistancy is what your son needs. Do what you know is best. You sound like a smart person. I think what your son first mom needs is someone that stands their ground in the face of her ‘demands’. Answer her back honestly, but respectfully about how things are going to be.
I hope that things get better for you. I’m sorry that you are in such a hard place right now.
I changed my login to Dawn but it’s still showing me as Admin. Argh!!! And I’m not getting comments sent to me unless they need to be approved. Argh again! I keep missing stuff!
wow..tough call. you are the parents..mom and dad…they are the reason that child is here..YoUR the reason he lives and goes through life. I think strick boundaries are needed. Maybe find some printable material on the internet about healthy open adoptions and how people deal with them and let them read it. I would very nicely say next time they “tell” you what to do…Remember..adoption means you gave me and his daddy the sole right to make decisions, thank you for caring.
It may mean you need to give them the reality check.
good luck!
An update: because of our efforts to set boundaries, our bf has now made a formal complaint to social services, alleging that we are in breach of contract. Unfortunately, we found out that the social worker who negotiated our contract put in writing somewhere that we agreed to videotape birthday parties. We do not have a copy of this but the bf does. Not knowing that we had agreed to this (and not owning a video camera at the time), we didn’t tape our son’s party in February. Otherwise, we have been told again today by both our attorney and that social worker that we have gone above and beyond what we agreed to as far as contact and updates.
Our attorney has told us that we can take all the pictures, which we’ve already presented to the bparents, and put them on a disc with music, mail it to him and call it good.
The bf has also gotten the contact information for the judge that is supposed to oversee our finalization. Our social worker gave him that information. He is also contacting the judge and demanding that he be present when our hearing is scheduled. *sigh*
Dawn, we are under siege- our attorney has advised us that we have to do all we can to appease the bf until we finalize so that he can’t, in her words, make this any messier.
I am so sorry that the first father is making this transition for your family so difficult. Remember that you are doing everything right, and the first father does not have the right to do any of what you describe if he signed adoption papers.
Honestly, I would hope that there is some clause that allows you to change that weird agreement(videos??what so important about them?… I mean, they’re nice and all)
You HAVE done much more than is even your moral obligation.
I would try and put all this craziness that the first father is stressing you out with OUT of your mind. At least until the actual trail. Have faith in yourself as a parent.
By his actions, the first father is only proving himself to be unfit.
I can only wonder where he was when his son needed him *before* he was placed with you. What he is doing now is not only harmful, but too little too late, really.
Well, the good news is that this has motivated our social worker to help us try to finalize sooner than September. He’s moved our home visit up from next month to less than 2 weeks and says we may be able to finalize in June.