Here is the problem that we are having… bdad’s mother wants to see our son but has no respect for us and bad mouths us and even calls and verbally abuses us if we are to busy ..she wants to see him like once a week…. bmom is 17 and is acts like my son does not exist at all .. when she calls all she does is talk about the bdad and how she loves him and she is breaking the law by talking to him from jail when there is a no contact order in place and how when he gets out they are going to run away and hide … but never once does she want to know how our son is…she calls like once aweek to chat… we have no clue how to expalin to her that we dont agree with this and how we dont want to talk about it … the bdad has repeatedly had relationships with lil girls and got a slap on the hand cuz the bmom spoke on his behave to the court so he is out in 6 months does not have to register as a sex offender and wants to see our son …. I would never let a child around some one like this and we have no clue on how to handle this …. both bparents come from bad homes and I mean bad !!!! I know this is alot to handle but I’m starting to lose control on this my son is 7 months old now and I feel like it’s never going to stop unless we put a stop to it .. but we are first time adopted parents and have no clue how to go about addressing it ……please help
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This all sounds really really difficult. From this post I’m hearing what you don’t want but I guess I need to hear what you DO want, too. Do you want her to call less? Do you want her to ask more about your son? Do you want her to be more respectful when she does call? Do you want her to stop supporting biodad?
Some of those things are reasonable (like being more respectful or calling on a different schedule) and some of them are not (you can’t control her choices around biodad). That’s why I think it’s important to sit down and ask yourself what do you WANT from her? And then ask yourself what you can reasonably ASK of her.
Now as far as how to tell her you don’t agree with her support of biodad, I think you can just tell her that. You can tell her about your concerns without being condemning by being neutral with your language. Like instead of saying, “What kind of idiot supports a child abuser?” (not that you would — I’m being extreme on purpose!!) you can say, “Listen, I feel really upset about what he’s done and I don’t feel like he’s a safe person for our son to be around.” If she hollers you can say, “I understand you feel differently — I’m just telling you how it is.” Because he IS your son now and you need to protect him and you can do that without jumping on her and you SHOULD do it because you’re not just protecting him but you’re setting up a reasonable model (which is to say what you want from her isn’t ridiculous by any means, it just may not be what she can give right now) of what you expect your relationship to be like. When you give appropriate boundaries, you give her the opportunity to rise to the occasion, you know?
I hope I made sense here!
~ Dawn
(trying to get in the habit of signing my posts since I’m not signing out of the admin account lately!)
My heart goes out to you! What a challenging situation! We’re struggling with our relationship with our bparents, who we feel can be very disrespectful, too. Our son’s birth aunt gave us a very good piece of advice recently: set boundaries now so that you can move forward being able to say nice things to your son about his bparents and actually mean them. Easier said than done, but this will best serve EVERYONE involved in the adoption relationship. On the advice of our attorney, we never shared our phone number with our bparents, only an aunt who lives nearby and with whom we’ve developed a good relationship. This does give us some space.
As for not agreeing with choices made by the bmom or bdad- well, it’s tough not to be judgmental. We shake our head in wonder at many of the choices made by our bparents and are sometimes very disturbed by them. My mantra is becoming “it’s not personal, it’s not my life; it’s not personal, it’s not my life.” As long as it doesn’t directly affect my son or me, I’m trying to learn to let things slide. My husband is much better at this than I am…
You are committed to only what is in your legal adoption agreement. Beyond that, you have control over your son’s life and who is in it and who isn’t. Seek the advice of your adoption agency or attorney as to what you are obligated to and what boundaries you can set. Dawn’s advice is good for all of us on how to actually go about this
As an adoptee, I have to say YOU are the parent of this child, and whatever doesn’t feel “right” or makes you and YOUR family “uncomfortable” voice it. It’s nice that you have an OA but there is a fine line between being a “door mat” and an “aparent”. Sometimes being blunt is best; it let’s people know how you feel and conveys the message ( so to speak). Tell the bmom disrespectful language will NOT be tolerated when speaking to you and that a set schedule will be put into place. I wouldn’t worry about how she feels because at this point, boundaries are needed in order to allow the OA/relationship to grow. If she doesn’t agree then scale back visit and don’t answer the phone- she’ll get the message.
All the best,
atimmons