My son’s birth mother wrote us a wonderful letter recently describing how well she is doing and how happy she is. Towards the end of the letter, she stated “Thank you for raising my son.” This phrase threw me off. It made me feel like we were simply doing her a favor by raising her child, just until she could do it herself. As an adoptive mother, I sort of felt demeaned, like I was simply a “stand in” for her. My question is: do I address this in our next letter to her? Or do I let it go b/c it’s my own issue that I need to deal with on my own?
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Oh honey, you are projecting. You are way reading into things. The use of “my son” here doesn’t do anything to diminish you, trust me. Don’t let your insecurity tarnish what is, to my read of it, a testimony to her gratitude for you and her love for the son you share.
As a birth mom, I have all the respect in the world for my sons’ adoptive parents. I don’t think your birthmom meant to demean you. She chose you. She chose you because she thought you would be the best parent possible for the child. And yes, she still thinks of the child as her son. She always will. That doesn’t mean she wants to parent or thinks of you as a stand in. That is the way it is for me anyway!
I hope this helps!!!
KA
He IS her son, and always will be. That doesn’t make you a stand-in, and doesn’t (in my opinion) take anything away from how she feels about you or about who you are in your son’s life. It also does not mean he’s not your son, too. I would take it at face value in context of a wonderful letter, and feel proud of yourself that she is happy with how your (collectively) son’s life is going in your family.
Good job, mama. Don’t let it make you feel insecure – just know that you are moving forward with a new kind of parenting that includes all the people who contribute to your son’s life.
Thanks for all of your comments. He is absolutely her son as well. I don’t deny that, and I never will. And what I feel is just pure insecurity – the first time I think I have really felt it, so it hit me kind of hard. I guess it’s like when someone says to me “oh, you’re son is so lucky to be raised by you and your partner.” I just want to scream “No, he’s not. We’re the lucky ones to get to be able to raise him!!” I’m thrilled that she is doing well, and I’m happy that she is grateful for us, but the truth is, we’re the ones who are forever in gratitude to her.
Thanks for helping me.
Don’t worry — it gets easier and that insecurity crops up less and less as your kids grow.
Reading this I wanted to add a little bit.
Honestly she should have stated ‘our’ son. What a difference just one little word would make.
I agree with the others, she didn’t mean to offend you. Sometimes words that are meant to have a postive affect do the opposite.
As a first mom I am certain she meant to be postive.
Sometimes as a first mom, I worry about the ‘burden’ I have placed into the lives of my son adoptive parents. I mean, I think my son is amazing and wonderful and everything of course. Sometimes it comes back to the feelings I had before I gave birth to him. When I was still pregnant and meeting the adoptive couple for the first time I was worried that they might not think that my baby was ‘good enough’ for them because I had a low opinion of myself and saw my son and myself as ‘one’ person while I was pregnant. Sometimes that feeling crops up again, because in my own life I sometimes worry that I am an burden to others. Even though that is not really true because I live normally and mostly well.
Anyways, if that doesn’t make sense, disreguard it.
Your son’s first mom was probably just trying to show her gratitude for accepting and loving her baby just as she does.
Cindy, I wish there was a way to change your thought of sometimes being a burden. I don’t know you personally. . . .but I assure you–you are never a burden to anyone–especially your son’s adoptive family. Truthfully–there are probably adoptive families out there who may feel that way. But we don’t have any control over that. If they feel that way already they are probably never ever going to listen to anything any of us has to say about it. I was out to lunch with our newest daughter’s birthmom on Saturday and it is obvious that she is her mom as I am white and they are black. Some gentleman asked me if she was my baby and I replied “She’s both of ours.” That’s all I said so who knows what he thought. haha!
See, the word that got me was “raising”. Nannies and other intermediaries can “raise” children too. “Thank you for parenting my son” or “Thank you for being my (our) son’s mom” something like that wouldn’t bother me, it’s the raising part. In the absence of context, it might be plausible to say that the birthmother in question does see the adoptive parent as a stand in, or doesn’t completely accept the adoption yet, simply with that one little word choice. I’m not saying any of this is true; I just wanted to validate the poster’s feelings.
I just think she was sincerely sharing her gratitude and love for you and the love that you have shared with her while caring for and loving your/her child and those happen to be the words she wrote. I find that many people spend way too much time analyzing and reading into things. Wasted time. I know–been there done that. Now I’m a seasoned adoptive mom with three beautiful children and three beautiful birth/first moms and each are very different and unique. I choose not to read into everything that is said or written. Our children are shared. . . by us, their birth families and God. They are children of God–not ours. Imagine how I felt when one of our first moms said, “I can’t wait until me and my child can get our first tattoo together.”–while my mom and dad were there. And then it hit me. When they are 18 they will make their own choices anyway and if that is what they want to do–they will do it. If anybody reading this can understand that sometimes we cannot express our love in the perfect words–you will have so much more time to actually enjoy your children rather than worry about something you have no control over. (I do understand that there are some deeper and more complicated issues and this thought can’t always apply. If I could divulge more info–I would certainly share–but I can’t for privacy.) All of our beautiful children will grow far too quickly and we should be spending this precious time enjoying them (and their tantrums!) haha!