Since my sons bmother completed her job training away from home..shes trying to turn her life around so ive been allowing her to spend a night here and there at my house..shes always respectful to me and the kids her moms home isnt very stable..drinking,,verbal abuse etc. shes come to church with us a couple of times also. my 2 concerns are..could her previous behavior rub off on my kids..especialy my teen girls and is ther a such thing as tooo much contact? I enjoy having her..i just get nervous because her past behaviors, pills,,guys,etc ..and shes only 21. my son is 3 and knows exactly who mommy is theres no confusion there..so is having her around maybe 1 to 2 times a week ok for him?
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i guess i have to answer my own question because one fear came about!
last night i allowed my oldest 16 and bm to go to the movies. she apparently called some guys from
her face book page to come and MEET her atthe movies. My daughter was freaked out. she refused to leave the movies to see this guy. she was left in the theater alone for about 30 min while my sons bmother talked with this guy. she then came bak in and said..he said we can go hang with him..thankfully my daughter was smart enough to say no way and the guy left. Im hurt,,mad..and sad all at once. i honestly beleived she changed. I cant beleive she didnt think twice about a strange guy . I feel used,, a nd stupid. many people have told me she hasnt changed her ways..i was just hoping for my son she had
To be fair, the actions of Melissa’s son’s birth mom don’t predict what the OP’s son’s birth mom will or won’t do. (I’m very sorry you had your trust broken like that, Melissa).
I’m not sure how someone’s previous behavior can “rub off” on kids. If the behaviors that concerned you aren’t part of her life now, then how would the children be affected by them? People deserve to be judged by their actual choices, and it sounds like she’s given you no reason thus far to think she’s being a poor influence on your children. If you’re getting along, you’re enjoying the time with her, and your son is reacting to the whole thing just fine–all of which sounds like it’s true, based on your post–then I’d encourage you to keep trusting her unless she gives you a reason not to.
Enjoy the good thing you’ve all got going right now! There’s no such thing as too much contact if it’s working out for the people involved.
unfortunatly heather by doing what she did when she went out with my oldest, shes showed me shes the same and has no regards for anyone but herself. to put my child in danger by allwing a complete stranger to hang out with them is nuts. IT shows me that she isnt responsible . im going back to the original agreement…3 1 hr visits a year supervised. im sooo dissapointed!
Hey Melissa, somehow I missed that you were replying to your own question. I thought you and the OP were different people. Sorry about that!
Melissa, I totally agree with you on the supervised visits, it doesn’t send like she is ready for contact otherwise.
I would think about how often you have them though. Three times a year isn’t that much if it felt like you wanted more. I agree the situation with your daughter was a backslide- and warrants supervision- but if it was going was well before, maybe you can still have supervised visits on a more regular basis. I would take it visit by visit.
She actually could have changed and grown a lot, she’s just not perfect.
The other thing is that your family could be a good influence on her and is one of the things helping her to grow.
You said there was no confusion with your son, and I don’t think her visiting will rub off on him- and obviously your older daughter made a good choice when a bad situation.
I hope it works out for all of you.
I guess I’m confused.
She and your 16 year old daughter went to the movies together and met up with a stranger – that makes you unhappy (which I totally agree with) so as a result, you’re going to cut down the visits she has with the 3 year old son she placed with you?
You don’t indicate if she has had unsupervised visits with the 3 year old – do they spend time alone, outside of your home?
Has she displayed this irresponsible behavior in front of him or with him?
I guess I don’t understand how what she did, outside of your home and not in front of the child she placed with you, should have any impact on the number of visits you’re allowing her with the child she placed with you.
Sure, don’t allow her unsupervised visits with the child or with your teens – that I totally get – but if, by your own admission, she is respectful and acts appropriate in front of you and your children (read: when she’s with the 3 year old) – I don’t understand how come you’d reduce the visits.
I’m also really really confused about how her ‘past behaviors’ would be an issue – were you not aware that she was having unprotected sex and potentially participating in risky behavior before you adopted the child that was the result of an unplanned pregnancy?
My daughters adoptive father tried to use the “rub off” reason for why he wanted to close our adoption – you don’t ‘catch’ sex before marriage or get the ‘unplanned pregnancy infection’…thankfully he backed off of that, although I know he still really feels that way, for whatever reason…especially since he knew I was having sex and had experienced two unplanned pregnancies when we met – it was, after all, the way he became a father
In closing – I agree, supervise the visits – but don’t hold what she does outside of your home and away from the child she placed with you against her…you obviously trusted her enough to send your 16 year old out with her…that was a clear mistake at this point (and an understandable one, based on her actions in front of you) – so don’t allow her to do that any more – that seems like the simplest solution.
well jane..we adopted through dcf and our agreement was ONLY 3 visits a year. Ive never stuck to that..meaning ive given her MANY more that that over the past 2 yrs. She lost him because of drug uses, violence, neglect. I felt bad because shes just a kid and her own life was awful growing up thus no way for her to learn how to raise her son. So shes built a relationship with my oldest girls beacuse theres only 3 years difference and i allowed them to go out together. My fear came about that she is still making VERY poor decisions inspite of the jobcorps experience she just finished. So until she shows that shes going to be a better influence on my girls as well as her bioson,,im going back to the june, october, feb visits we decided at court. And being in mass open adoption isnt enforced, and the agreement also stated if she put any family memeber in danger the adoption would be CLOSED! so i think im being very reasonable~~
So, were you looking for someone to back you up and say, “You’re doing the right thing!” or were you looking for some feedback/advice on how to handle things going forward?
It looks like you’ve already made up your mind, which is fine…and I’m sure it doesn’t matter to you at all – but I disagree with your decision…
yes my decision is made..best for my son. im adopted as well and honestly,,,i could care less if my bmother is in my life or not..we are in a reunion and im no different now that i know her,shes just another person and im sure my son will be fine because with her decisions shelll just be another person to him as well ,
as a birthmom, I must say that this HORRIBLE!!! I am so glad I did not pick someone like this to raise my child!!! It’s because of this woman that you even have your son, she is WAY more than just another person. ugh!!!!!
SHE DIDNT PICK ME…DCF DID! SHE WAS DEEMED UNFIT . SO SHE DID ME NO FAVORS BY CHOOSING ME. [this part of Melissa's comment was deleted by the site editor]
Ah, so there we have it.
Well, I am also adopted – and unlike you, I very much enjoy (and have enjoyed for as long as I can remember, since my birth mother has always been a part of my life) having my birth mother in my life.
Realize, I’m not trying to change your mind – I’m just showing you that there is a 50/50 chance he’s going to share your feelings about his birth mother.
I hope it turns out whatever way makes you most comfortable.
I agree…there is a chance that he may not feel the same way you do. He may, but he may not. I’m not going to try to change your mind either as I do not know all the details or anything about your family, I just want you to keep that in mind if you haven’t thought about it.
P.S. I feel the same way as you do about my bio-family right now, but I know that not everyone feels that way and that’s why I wanted to point out that your son may feel differently (or he may not…)