I adopted my son from foster care when he was two. He arrived at our home at 11 months. He is now almost 5.
We have an open adoption with bmom with two visits per year. It is going well, but because she has significant cognitive challenges, I have to work hard to maintain contact and arrange visits. I fear that I will lose contact with her, probably within the next year or two.
She has a large family, but doesn’t have a relationship with most of them. I have no idea why. I noticed yesterday on facebook that a friend of mine is connected with several members of bmom’s extended family including siblings and cousins. I know from the case history that bmom’s extended family are lovely people with no issues that should scare me away, just for whatever reason bmom and bgrandma have sort of dropped from the family.
I would love for my son to be able to have the ability to know his bio family as he grows older. Is it reasonable for me to reach out to the extended family through my friend? I was thinking about asking my friend to approach them and just ask if they would be willing to meet me. Is that okay?
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I would do it. My son’s grandmother has a great relationship with him. He has only seen his first father a handful of times in the last 7 years, but he has a regular relationship with his grandma. It’s a wonderful thing, and has been the key to keeping the door open to his first family. I’m now friends with aunts and cousins on Facebook.
I would first ask your son’s birthmom. Otherwise YES! do it!!
It might be that there are some personal differences that keep extended family apart from the first mom and her mom. Or it might be that they are separating themselves because of the fact that they placed their child/grandchild with you. I know I have isolated myself because of placing my own son in open adoption. I am sure there are many reasons.
The only worry I would have, as a first mom is that the extented family might not know your son even exists. If they do, they might have unpleasant reactions to the fact that your sons first mom placed her son with you. If you can learn about them without telling them(at first) why you want to know them, do that. Then you could know about them. I would really ask the first mom about them before you do anything though. From what you say she could be having a hard time with the loss of her son to you. Be patient, don’t give up hope that she will continue to have a relationship with her placed son.
Cindy made a point that I hadn’t thought at first- that your bmom’s family may not know about the situation. Our bmom didn’t share what was happening with her family until after the paperwork was signed (we were told this from the beginning). However, if you can make contact with them without compromising your bmom, I’m with Lisa- DO IT! We have good relationships with our son’s aunt, uncle and grandma from his first family. His aunt and her family live close by and she and one of his cousins came to his first birthday party. She and I talk regularly and she has been a real support in navigating some of our challenges with the bparents. Plus, our son will get to grow up with a close relationship with his aunt, uncle and 2 cousins who can share his first family’s history with him.