I posed this question to the biracial group, but no one has responded. Our son is half Vietnamese and half Italian. My husband is a blue-eyed blonde and I’m a green-eyed brunette- needless to say, our son doesn’t look anything like us. In reading about adopting a child of another ethnic background, I read about people staring and asking questions. But I guess I am a little surprised at how frequently it happens. I’m even more surprised because we live in southern CA, one of the most ethnically diverse parts of the country. I grew up here and don’t even think twice about how anyone looks…
When people “on the street” ask where our son gets his coloring, or his dark eyes and hair, or however they ask the question, I have been responding with confidence “he’s adopted”. Most people act uncomfortable. A few have politely asked more questions and we are happy to share our adoption story.
Is there a better way to answer or does this seem o.k.? I’ve read that talking about his adoption story around our son (in positive terms) will help him as he gets older (he’s 14 months old now).
[I brought this question up with some friends who haven't adopted. One answered, 'of course he likes like you, he looks happy.' That was a wonderful comment to receive 
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We get these questions often. Usually it’s not because of how our kids (adopted daughter, bio son) look but because of their peculiar and obvious-for-now spacing (6.5m apart). Are they twins? How did THAT happen? Etc. Every now and again people will ask where someone gets their eyes/hair/whatever, but rarely really. And now that they’re older (2 and almost 3) the other question is actually coming up less, too. Kids get harder to tell apart age-wise. lol
At any rate, we’ve always been open and honest like you’re saying you have been. If people don’t like it, they shouldn’t ask strangers questions. We usually say something short….and sometime questions do follow. (When they don’t and all I’ve said is that they’re 6.5m apart, I often am left wondering why the person thinks bio children could be that close, haha.) If people ask questions, we answer them. I don’t want my daughter or son to think there’s anything wrong with how they were conceived/came into our family. We usually don’t get much past answering that she’s adopted and he’s IVF before the adoption questions come, and we answer those, too.
Our daughter is getting old enough that she’ll tell people she’s adopted, or she’ll say that she got something from “Mama Rachel” which I really love to hear. If asked, our son will tell you he’s “from a dish” which REALLY makes people uncomfortable. But hey, I think they’re going to be asked for a long time, they may as well own it starting now!
Good luck…I really think that honesty without divulging personal info is the best policy, especially with little ones listening! They’re going to have to deal with the world, and the more the world hears of openness (and IVF), the better, imo!
When we get these questions from complete strangers, we look at them and flatly say “Genetics.” It usually shuts them up and we move on.
If it is an acquaintance or someone we will likely get to know and see again, we do a basic adoption answer. But I do not bother with random people we pass on the street and will never see again.
Gretchen
You shouldn’t worry about other peoples comfort level. Actually, when it’s about you own family, it’s really none of their business. I mean, it’s great that you are so good in telling people. I mean, lots of good things make people ‘uncomfortable’. I think it’s good to ‘challenge’ peoples perception once in a while.
To tell you the truth, even long before I became a first mom, I would never DARE to ask people why there kids look the way they look. Long before the THOUGHT of adoption ever crossed my mind did I ever think that I should ask people why they look the way they, but that’s just me.
As a child I always was very uncomfortable with peoples comments about how I look ‘just like my mom’. I wanted to say ‘HEY! I look like *me*!’ I have a sister(by birth) who looks almost nothing like me. People said things about her appearance as well that I was not pleased with.
So I guess that’s why I personally would never ask such things. I know how it feels as a child to be compared to parents and to see my sister endure such rude questions as well.
It seems to be part of human nature to make comments like that concerning family all the ‘who looks like who’ stuff. While it is exceptable in immediate family circles, I personally don’t think strangers need to be informed of how you grew your family, or speculate on how they inherited certain traits and looks.
I’m an adoptee who doesn’t really look like her adoptive parents, other then we are all white. I was taller then both of them by the time I was 12!
My mom always answered truthfully when these questions came up. “She was adopted or I adopted her”. It never bothered me and made me happy that my parents acknowledged that part of me.
Good luck!
I agree with all theses comments…. You could go into the whole thing or not. I ti YOUR choice! Always remember that!
You’ll come up with the perfect answer that works for your family!!!
Cheers!
KA