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April 16, 2010Posted in: Community Wisdom
I am having trouble getting a lifebook for my daughter(age 2) started. I have gone to a number of websites for ideas, but am still not sure what I want to do. I do not have any pictures of her birthfamily and do not see them sending any. Does anyone have any suggestions?
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I am so sorry that you aren’t able to get the input you need from your childs first parents.
I hope someday that it changes for you and you are able to know things about them.
Personally, I am a first mom and I do have plenty to make a ‘lifebook’ with, but I’m just not very crafty(although I envy those who are) and have put it off.
Just my opinion but I feel like you are stressed about something that you need not be stressed about because your daughter is 2 years old. She won’t really need to know anything but your loving care right now(and I am saying that as a first mom!!).
I plan on getting aroudn to making the lifebook that I have all the stuff for(pictures galore, family info, the works..) made by the time my son goes to school. Which will be in about a year(yeah…time goes so fast!). I figure that is when all the non-adopted kids at school are going to ask the most of really scary questions and my son will need to be able to answer in order to stay sane(I am kind of over-stating, but I hope you get my drift). Right now his life is really governed by his parents(he is four) so they are literally *there* to answer questions. It will be a different story when he goes to school on his *own* in a year(sniff…growing up too fast!)
You daughter is only two, if the life book is for her what is she going to do with something at her age and stage. You can verbally talk to her about your own journey to adopting her. That would be very good, reassuring her that it’s an ok and ‘normal’ for her and not a subject to be scared of.
I guess I am just confused as to what your rush is to actually *make* this life book. As far as I know, scrapbooking means that you sort of make these books over a period of time, adding stuff as time goes on.
I mean, theres no harm in *starting* this life book with whatever info you have.
You just never know what you learn in years to come. Keeping some kind of record of what you know *now* about her will be something that she will enjoy in her later school years as well.
Hey, maybe the agency you placed with has some stuff for you somehow…just throwing that out there.
Anyways, I am so sorry that you don’t have the info that you desire. I wish you had it too. I am sure that your daughter will be glad for any way that you can honor her, especially with a ‘life book’.
I did…I don’t know if you call it a life book…but I call it my daughter’s story and wrote it like a bedtime story. It starts out how my husband and I prayed and prayed for a 2nd child….how her brother asked us and prayed for a little brother or sister. (Included pictures of us to go with the words.) Then I told her of how we first met a “young mother and young father”…and told her their names. (I had a couple of pictures, but I used more words to describe them) In my story, I told her that they loved her from the very thought of her…and why they chose us to be her family (because they were too young to provide the kind of life they wanted for her, etc, etc.) The story goes on to tell about the day she was born and the day we brought her home and who was present on those days (a few pictures to with story) and ended it with how much she is loved by everyone in her story and how grateful we are to (names of birthparents) for choosing us.
I did this right as my daughter turned 2. She is 4 now and still loves to read her story and knows it by heart. The story itself (without a lot of pictures) has made a big impact. She talks about them and she seems to be more comfortable with them when we meet…I think because she has heard their names so many times and knows they are important to her because they are part of her story.
Hope this helps!
Ooo, I’m so glad you asked about this! I love to talk about Lifebooks.
We did one for our eldest daughter, who was adopted internationally, and we have no input from her bio family and very little info about them. I used an online photobook service (Shutterfly) and we love it! I made it for her when she was about 3, so it’s great that you are starting early on this. I’ve seen recommendations that you do one for them as preschoolers, then help them write their own version of their story when they are in elementary school, and then again when they are teenagers. It helps them process and own their story. Telling them their story with words and pictures from the start helps build trust and gives them a good visual aid to understand their adoption story. I can’t say enough good things about lifebooks!
I started the story of our daughter with her birth, then went to what we know of her bio family , what info we have for why they placed her for adoption, then what her life was like in the orphanage. I ended it with how she met us and a few pictures of what her life is like now. You can also do it in reverse order, starting with her now and working backwards, but I like the chronological way best. ALWAYS write it from the point of view of your child, not you, because this is HER story. It should be “I was born ….” not “you were born…” etc. There are some great resources out there that talk about how to introduce difficult topics (unknown dad, prostitution, rape, incest, you name it). If you have any of these issues, there are gentle, age appropriate ways to introduce these to a young child (“I don’t have a picture of my first dad because my mom didn’t know him very well…” etc.) Because you want to always give what info you have for trust purposes, even young children can be introduced in gentle ways to difficult topics. And trust me, starting early will help you get more comfortable answering those tough questions later on that always seem to crop up when you are unprepared and caught off guard!
I am getting ready to work on our second daughter’s book (domestic open adoption) and I’ll be happy to share the link with you when I finish if you want to get some ideas.