My husband and I just adopted our beautiful son less than a week ago as a new born. We were matched through our adoption attorney. We feel it is very important that we keep an open adoption for our son. Throughout the pregnancy, we have gotten to meet many members of the extended family. They are extremely poor, but seem to think nothing of it. It was nothing for them to ask us for things- I bought birthmom 2 cell phones, she lost one and threw the other away the day she got it because it was not good enough. I was able to say-legally I can’t pay for this or can’t pay for that. I am not trying to sound high and mighty, but if it were not for us, they would not have had a Christmas nor an Easter for themselves nor the children- we were Santa and the Easter bunny. The birth mom has 2 other children that were taken away, she has not had them for over a year. It is unknown who the birthfather is.
Two days ago, I received an email from the grandmother thanking us and telling us what a blessing from God we are and how at peace she is knowing that the baby is in loving arms and will be taken care of. Yesterday, I got a call from the birthmom asking us to pay for the insurance on her car and get it registered -the attorney’s paid this in January, but she used the money for a game set. I told her that I needed to talk to the attorney she advised her case was closed, I advised mine was not- the adoption has not been finalized. (consent is irrevocable at this point) I let her know that I am legally unable to help her with this, per the attorney (She just got money for expenses from the attorney and bought I-phones for her and her boyfriend-neither of them have jobs and had advised they were both getting tattoos also). Yesterday afternoon, I received an email-attached to one from me telling them about him and that we were looking forward to seeing them next month-that we have lied to them and deceived them and are not following through with anything we told them and for that reason they are ending the relationship, because the birth mom went through trauma mentally and physically for me and I am unwilling to pay for things. The email ended, this is not to guilt you if that’s what you think it is. I am seeing a totally different side of them now and am not sure that I want this in my son’s life. They are threatening to close the door because I wont give them money. Birthmom has not called except to ask for money. If I help this one time, it will open the door for handouts. This baby is not a tool for their working. I am very angered and upset over this. I have not responded to the email, and am reconsidering the extent of openness at this time.
Advice? Please help we are new to this.
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Keep in mine that you all are one week into this and I’ll tell you, the early months of open adoption can feel like flailing for all involved. I’m not excusing their behavior but saying that who knows what people are telling them and who knows if they’re reacting from anger/pain from relinquishment or if they’re just rotten people who want to exploit their kid. I mean, you can’t know yet because it’s too new. So taking your reactions one day at a time may help you not burn any emotional bridges. I totally understand your feelings, mind you, I’m just saying that it doesn’t mean that you will always have this kind of relationship with them.
As to the money, definitely go with whatever your lawyer advises. Different states have different standards and I would not pretend to know what you are allowed to do. I can imagine that if they had been receiving support and then once they handed the baby over they lost it that to their minds it might feel like they were used. I certainly don’t think that this is what you were doing — I think this is just the nature of the beast that is adoption sometimes.
Now you can’t control their reaction when you say “Enough” but you still have to say “enough.” You will have to decide how much help you will give and for how long. Will you be the Easter Bunny and Santa forever? If not, will you still give presents to your children’s siblings on a smaller scale? You need to figure that out for yourself separate from how the first mom and her boyfriend react because any help you give needs to be given freely and without resentment whatever she chooses to do with it, you know? You can’t make her act appropriately.
My guess is that she will not keep the adoption closed and even if she chooses not to be a part of her child’s life out of resentment towards YOU, well, that’s her choice. You can continue to send pictures and letters. You can even continue to send gifts on the holidays. You can do these things for the sake of your child and his siblings — because whatever relationship he ends up having with her, he and his siblings still have a right to build one with each other if they still choose.
Now as to your son being exposed to her. To my mind, figuring out his first mom’s character while he is young and while you can mitigate some of it is one of the blessings of open adoption. She may continue to be demanding and manipulative (she may not so don’t give up on her yet even as you hold her responsible for her actions!) and you will help him understand that it’s not about HIM, it’s about HER. You can place boundaries so that he is able to have some measure of contact in a way that will not hurt him (by placing limits as you need to).
While everything is still new and you are all still getting your bearings and you are becoming accustomed to life with a new baby (!!!!), keep some serious space for yourself. Personally I would respond with something about how you understand if she needs to step away but that you welcome her as part of your son’s life and will continue to send pictures, etc. and leave it at that.
Dawn (aka OAS Administrator) gave you some great advice (as usual).
I want to address the importance of deciding how much is “enough”. Our son’s birthmother has occasionally asked us for money. She is not a frivolous person, but she is a trusting person, and sometimes that hurts her, even financially. It was very difficult, in the moment, to decide what to do. I think if we had thought of all contingencies, practiced what we might say, that certain conversations and situations would be easier.
It’s important to note that when you adopted your son, you did not adopt his birthmother too. Now, she is a part of your family, but she is not your child, nor is she your responsibility. Her other children are not your responsibility either. Trust me, I know this is a lot easier to say (write) than to put into practice. I personally try to think about this as “What would I do if my sister were in this situation?” or “What about my cousin?” and so on.
Right now, your ability to do anything financially is limited by your attorney, so you kind of have an “easy out”. That is, you have an excuse for not doing anything, and you have the time to think about what you might do in the future. I think you need to sit down with your husband and decide what you’re willing to do for the birth parents and your son’s siblings. I think you’re right, that if you start paying for items now, it’s just going to spawn more requests. Take some time to calm down, decide what you want to do, then write it down, as nicely as possible, and explain it to your son’s birthmother.
I like what Dawn said about telling her that you understand her need to take a step back. She’s just given birth, you’ve got a brand new baby, there are all sorts of emotions going on here. Give everyone a chance to breathe and adjust before you close the door or accept her closing the door.
Just my 2 cents,
Robyn
I know it varies by state on what you can and can’t pay for but I think the only expenses you should pay for are the ones related to your child (maternity clothes, maybe rent and utility expenses during the pregnancy, possibly some pre and post adoption counseling and medical bills) and once the baby is born those obligations stop. It sounds like the birthmom is trying to take advantage of your kindness. I would NEVER ask my daughter’s parents for money!
I agree if you don’t draw the line then the requests will never stop. I would gently but FIRMLY explain to them that your obligation is to take care of your child and while you sympathize with their money woes you simply can’t help them out. You shouldn’t have to give a reason, a no should be sufficient. As much as you may want to play Santa and the Easter Bunny, you have to draw the line. Think of them as family, what would you do for another relative in their shoes? Only help as much or as little as you would for another family. If you want to send gifts to the children then by all means but you should not be obligated to do so.
As for their threat to close the door, I suspect they only said that because they think you will react and give in to them, but don’t do it. Just remember, you can’t change them, you can’t control how they act. All you can do is control how YOU act. Keep sending the updates and pictures as you promised and inviting them for visits as planned. If they do not respond then that is their issue not yours. Hopefully one day they will come around.
Since the situation is so new I would try to be extra sensitive to their feelings. As happy as you are to have a child think of how much it would hurt if you had to give that child up now. Even when it’s the right thing to do, it is very painful and scary. I’m almost a year into an open adoption and I still think about my daughter and miss her every day.
I know when I was pregnant I felt super important to the adoptive parents. They constantly emailed and asked how I was doing and were very willing to comply with any requests I may have had (I didn’t have many) but as soon as our daughter was born they stopped doing those things. I understand that they were busy with a new baby and all the changes to their lifestyle and family but at the time I was really hurt. I did kinda feel like “they got what they wanted (my baby) and now I’m chopped liver.” All I wanted was to feel like I mattered. My daughter’s parents tell me once in awhile that they were out somewhere and thought of me or our daughter did something and they were reminded of my smile or something and it makes my day. I was also hurt that contact decreased (again I understand why) and I was so afraid that contact would stop altogether. Think about it, you guys didn’t even know each other a year ago and now all of a sudden you have this important and emotional relationship and you both have to trust each other, that’s hard for most people. I was very worried that the adoptive parents would get mad at me or cut off contact since they “had what they wanted”. I think it took them saying to me, “We want you in our daughter’s life, you are important to us,” to make me feel better. Even though THEY may have thought I understood that, I really needed the verbal reassurance from them to feel comfortable. Even now, a year into it, I still feel soo good to hear those things!
One thing I’ve heard about is that some adoptive parents have their friends and family write a note to the birth family at the baby shower or homecoming just telling them how thankful they are and how much their child means to the couple and their family. I think that would be great to receive and I would treasure such a gift.
They really may not know how to handle the emotions they are going through. Some people shop to make themselves feel better or they may be using money as a way to guarantee they stay in your life. You may never have an answer to the WHY but just make your boundaries and do what you feel is right. Good luck!
Wow, I really feel for you. What a hard situation.
I live in another country so not sure of your laws in regards to adoption, but i can’t even understand why you would have to pay for anything for her, like phones.. its really strange to me.
In New zealand, it is illegal to accept any money in regards to the adoption, the adoptive parents don’t cover any costs of the birthmums besides the lawyers fee for the consent paperwork.
I think shes being really rude and abusing your relationship. Don’t give her anything else, as she doesn’t seen able to use the money correctly. You don’t deserve to be used.
I agree with PPs, but I also wanted to point out one thing about how you might approach this differently. I think perhaps she believed that the only reason you weren’t giving her more money is was BECAUSE you weren’t legally allowed to. If (in her mind) the legal part is over, and that was what the barrier was (because that’s what you told her when you declined requests for money) maybe she now expects money to flow more freely.
Just a guess. I know that telling her you legally CAN’T give them money is easier than telling her that you need to establish some boundaries and cannot afford to continually assist her and her family. But maybe it’s time to provide a different reason?
Whatever you decide to do, good luck! I agree that now is the time because if you give her money now you will likely hear her ask again in the future. I am a foster mom and I have to walk a similar line when it comes to the parents we work with.
My husband & I finalized our adoption in October, in Texas. Under TX law, we could not help out the adoptive parents (is a married couple with other children) until adoption was final. About a month ago (Nov), we sent the birth family a gift card, so the kids would have a Christmas. Today, the birth mom called and asked for $ for car repair. My husband & I had already decided we were going to send $50 – $100 a month depending on our budget (we’re far from being wealthy) to help out the birth family, and the request was for a smaller amount. But, was strange feeling to be asked for money; especially, because had not been out experience with the birth family to date – was a relinquishment and we had to iniate the contact. Bascially, the request made the relationship seem crass – had the birth mom only been nice and in contact, because she was priming us for a money request?
Essentially, my husband & I decided to stick with our plan of $50 – $100 per month but otherwise refuse the “emergecy” request. Is our manner of drawing a boundary and not being used, and yet same time not feeling like we are turing our backs on a family in need.
I will post how our middle ground concept worked out. I’d like to hear how your experience worked out.
Our son is currently only child in our household. He has three older siblings with his birth family. I have their pictures, tell our son how much he looks like his sister, and refer to them by their first name. We haven’t meet them in person, and may never (birth parents resistant to the idea). But, I hope he won’t feel lonely as an “only” child, because he really isn’t. He has a brother & two sisters; at least that is how my husband & I think of it. We just consider us to all be an extended family.