We have always wanted a fully open adoption with our son’s first mom but she was not comfortable with this. Over time we have had more contact — within the last year we learned her name, received a letter and photos from her and have text messaged with her. We send letters and photos once a month as well and have always made clear that we want her to be a part of our son’s life. In a recent text message exchange, we discussed meeting and she said that she would “think over” meeting with me and my husband at the adoption agency. She said she wasn’t ready to meet our son. Then, a few days ago, she sent us an invitation to see her in a public performance. I’m so excited by the possibility of meeting her — she said she wants us all, our son included, to come — but I’m a little worried about the format. I don’t know what’s MY job though. Should I be asking her if she’s thought about how she’ll feel, meeting us for the first time in a very public way? Should I be questioning her desire to meet our son since she just recently said she wasn’t ready to meet him? Or should we just accept that this appears to be the way she is most comfortable with meeting us and go for it? I’m not concerned about our comfort — I’ll meet her anywhere — and our son is still very young. I’m mainly worried about first mom’s feelings.
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It was initiated by her–I’d take the invitation at face value and go for it!
i agree with heather..She initiated the meeting..weather it be in a crowed forum or private place thats a good sign. Dont read too much into it..go into it with an open mind and remember baby steps!
My best guess would be that she’s choosing a way to meet with him and you in a setting she feels safe and comfortable. Maybe it will take some of the focus off “the meeting” and just sharing an experience together that is important to her and most likely makes her feel good about herself.
I would go unless the venue wasn’t child appropriate. To me my daughter’s well being will always come first.
Good luck to you. Open adoption can be a wonderfully supportive, scary, amazing experience. In my heart I know for us it is the best situation. I can’t say it would be for all families but it does work for ours.
Good luck to you. I hope you let us know how it works out.
Julia
I think it’d be ok to express your concern IF you couch it with the same excitement and enthusiasm you do here. I’d just say to her, “I don’t know how you feel before you perform but if you feel like our being there will put you off your groove, we understand.” Then I’d gush more about being happy/excited and thrilled. That way you’ve given her an out if she needs one AND you’ve let her know that you WANT to still meet with her but care about her, too. Let me emphasize the gushing though!
Honestly as a first mom who has learned a bit from other first moms this is what I think:
She might be afraid of causing negative emotions in her/your son(or herself) with a ‘up close and personal’ kind of contact, but just seeing you in the crowd is probably more at her comfort level. Personally as someone who used to ‘perform’(well…at church) I can imagine feeling more comfortable with seeing people at a distance, from the stage, than people right next to me that I have to interact with. That way, when she is ‘ready’ she can come a greet you and have greater control over her emotions, in theory anyways. That’s just what I imagine she might be thinking.
I mean, from what you have told us, she has only seen pictures and know details through updates. Seeing her/your son from a place where she is comfortable and where she can first ‘test’ how she feels about seeing her/your son *live and in person*(because there is a HUGE difference between pictures and a real life person that can be overwhelming).
I mean up until now, she has only seen or known things about her/your son at her comfort level and in her own time, as you have allowed her. I agree with the other posters too, GO!! If you don’t I believe she will see it as an insult, because *I* would…