My daughter is 14 and we’ve had an OA all of her life.
Distance, logistics, life and finances have made some times better than others – but we’ve always maintained a rather close relationship – if no way else than via the phone and email.
Three years ago, my daughters parents separated and got a divorce. Up to that point, things between my daughters dad and I had been strained – not for any reason really other than normal tween/teen issues coupled with difficulties that were obviously taking place in the marriage.
When mom and dad separated, mom and daughter came to stay with me for a period of time – what had been strained before became impossible.
Accusations were made. Names called. Nastiness and general ugliness followed.
I was just trying to be supportive and offer a refuge for my daughter and her mother – I never considered that my actions would create this hatred.
In the end, we don’t talk – I don’t really have a reason to talk to him, besides, he’s made his opinions of me fairly clear to anyone who will listen.
I am evil incarnate; before the separation, it was because I’d had an unplanned pregnancy – forget the fact that this little slip up resulted in his fatherhood and after the separation, it was because I was keeping his daughter from him.
I never did anything of the sort – but in the interest of pleasing her father – our daughter might have (I don’t know for sure) told him that I had been telling her to say her father was abusive – again, not something I did – in fact, I went out of my way to remain neutral because I felt she just needed someone interested in what she wanted – not what the adults wanted.
Anyway – welcome to Backfiresville.
So – fast forward – Dad has met a woman and is planning to marry this summer. She’s not keen on OA, according to Mom.
Our daughter? She’s moving in with them this summer.
So what I’m wondering is if I should reach out to him? I haven’t since they separated – but not because I didn’t want to (I’ve wanted to – you have no idea…) but because I didn’t feel he wanted me to.
I admit, also , that this olive branch comes only because I worry about what all this means for our daughter and honestly, neither of them (mom or dad) have been real interested in sharing in the last year or so – for various reasons, some of which involve extreme mental illness (long story).
So – do I dare? Do I reach out, open myself up to potential rejection and try to ‘mend’ what has been broken for so long?
I could use some major advice.
Sorry – I’ve tried to give as much backstory as I can – I got a little winded 
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I think I’d try to reach out. At least in a “let’s make this work for our child” way. Blessedly, even if he’s not into patching things up, your daughter is old enough not to assert herself! Hopefully she does and you don’t lose touch! It sounds like a very dangerous situation and I don’t blame you for worrying.
Man alive! Sometimes it’s like no good deed goes unpunished!
Divorce is messy for all family, and families build by adoption makes things even more complicated for sure. I hope that your daughter will be able to make decisions about being in contact with you, and that her adoptive dad will honor them. I hope that the adoptive mom can still be involved in her daughters life. In doing so, would she be able to advocate for contact with you as well?
I am sorry that you have this huge mess to deal with. I hope things can change.