I don’t know if anyone else has a similar situation…but, until we adopted our little girl 4 years ago…no one in my family or my husband’s family had ever adopted a baby. So it was new, unfamiliar territory for everyone. And when they found out we were entering into an OPEN adoption, everyone pretty much freaked out and fought it. Especially my parents. My husband’s parents have since “come around” and have not really said too much regarding our daughters birthfamilies. However…my parents (esp. my mother) continues to say negative things about them, calls them “THOSE people”, and really tries to persuade us to cut all ties with them….or hopes one day that they will move on with their lives and never want to see her again. I have been patient, I have tried being firm, I have tried “laying down the law” about how the promise my husband and I made with the birthparents is a lifetime commitment that we intend to keep. My mother especially insists that doing so will be detrimental to our daughter in the long run…(she is basing this opinion on the fact that we’ve had many challenges with the birthfather and his parents.) I know she doesn’t mean to do harm or really mean to hurt me, and I know that she is coming from the place of being a mom and not wanting her children to get hurt. But I really want her to get passed the “old school” view of adoption and see that what we are doing and why we are doing it is really a good thing and really is healthy and positive for our daughter. Nothing I have said has sunk in or persuaded her in any way. Does anyone have any suggestions? Any comments would be greatly appreciated.
How do I handle people’s negativity about our daughter’s open adoption?
– April 4, 2010Posted in: Community Wisdom
I’m in the same situation but my daughter is only 2. My mom is against it and multiple times as suggested or questioned in a certain way when we won’t ever have to see “her” anymore. She even believes that adoption is wrong but would deny it if I confronted her on it. I didn’t learn that until about a year ago with a comment she made.
My husbands parents weren’t understanding at first but were supportive. I took my MIL with me for a visit 3 hours from home because my husband couldn’t come with us before she was even 6 months old. It was shortly after that visit that my MIL mentioned that she understood now that we didn’t do it for her birthmom but we did it for our daughter. So she would have that connection. The visit was with her entire side of the family, 10 people.
So being in the same situation the only thing I can suggest is try and include her in a visit if she hasn’t been. Other then that I look forward to reading others comments so I can learn as well.
Tell her that you love your daughter more than anything and will do anything that will benefit her life (and yours). Tell her if she ever says anything negative about your open adoption in front of your daughter or to you again that you will have to cut ties with her and hope she moves on. Maybe that will help.
We have three open adoptions and have had our challenges. We also have two interracial adoptions so we have done a lot of educating on “proper” language in the cultural aspect too. The openness isn’t just about and for your child. It’s for you and the birth family–whomever may be involved. I could not imagine our lives without our birthmoms and those involved from their family. They are our heart and souls–part of the reason who we are this very day. I will not tolerate criticism and you shouldn’t either. I have found that it is better to talk about your more challenging days related to the open relationship with others whom have adopted or whom can remotely relate, sympathize, empathize, and support you rather than replying that you should just cut ties. If you stand your ground. . . they will respect your wishes–or lose your relationship. (I know I sound harsh. . . I’m not really. . . I know how those comments hurt and if you let them continue–they will only get worse and hurt your child when she can understand.)
Would it be possible for your parents to join you on one of the visits? My parents also did not understand and were against keeping the adoption open. But they joined us on one of the visits and then understood. They are now fully supportive of keeping the adoption open.
Good luck!
Gretchen
I would like to take my parents to one of the visits. But besides the fact that they would feel awkward…they don’t want to make the 14-hour drive to see them. (It’s hard for them to leave town because they take care of my grandmother and my great-uncle.) I made a scrapbook/story book that we read to my daughter that tells her the story of her adoption. Pictures of her birthparents and included, of course. And I shared this book with my parents, hoping it would “sink in”. My mother says it is very touching and she tears up every time she reads it. And then goes right back to her same old attitude. She understands and knows that we will be making a trip this summer to see her birthfather and his parents. She knows that we are keeping a promise..understands that…just wishes that one day it will end.
my mom & in-laws were also not keen on the open adoption either. one thing that has helped is to tell them that lots of studies nowadays show that OA is better for the child. You could print out an article to show them. and my wise brother-in-law, who is a school social worker, says: knowing her birth mother means my daughter will never ask why she is adopted. (I realize that that’s not true for lots of people, but my daughter’s first mom is clearly someone who is not able to parent for mental health reasons)