This is something I just *have* to ask everyone who uses this site, but adoptive parents especially.
Do any of you belong to other adoption forums.
I have been reading one lately and the content scares the life out of me.
I worry that many people looking to adopt actually hope that the first family wants a ‘closed’ adoption.
Even the more ‘open-minded’ members posts are really focused on limiting contact with first families.
Is this really the way that average people think about adoption???
Are the members of this site the few ‘enlightened’ people who know that open adoption can only make life better for all involved??
Administrator’s Note: With the questioner’s permission, I deleted the link to a specific forum since getting critical about other sites goes beyond the scope of this site. But do feel free to share forums that have been a help to you on our groups, in your comments or via the link sharing available in your profile. The more great resources we all have, the merrier!
Related posts:
Have you tried Fertile Thoughts? It deals mostly with infertility issues, but it has a really good adoption section as well, with a friendly vibe and lots of useful information: http://www.fertilethoughts.com/forums/adoption/
If you’re looking for good company you might also want to try our forum on for size. We’ve got a great community of about 8,000 members from all walks of the adoption community. I think you’ll find our gang is open-minded and supportive. Fun, too!
http://www.canadaadopts.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi
Good luck!
Thanks Lawerence. I have actually browsed the Canadian one before.
It’s ok, but the style of the forum confuses me. The content is better.
Both of those seem ok. Sometimes I worry that sometimes adoptive parents put out ‘pretty words’ when they think that first parents might be seeing them but then, when they think they are in a place of ‘only adoptive parents’ all kinds of crazy notions get thrown around.
It’s like the same kind of worry when people are nice to your face and then in your absence suddenly they say all kinds of things that are not true just to because they are ‘afraid’ or something…
I still wonder what is the ‘norm’ in adoption ‘attitude’ …. I really hope that is about respect and not about fear.
Thanks for editing that Dawn…I was regretting some of that anyways…
Cindy, before I edited I went to the site and I totally get your reaction. It made my stomach hurt because there was so much fear-mongering and so little understanding. I forget that there are people in the world who are still making those kinds of assumptions.
My social worker (who is my facebook friend and read this post through my link there) was telling me that their struggle is that right now the moms who are placing don’t want open adoptions and many of them are coming to the agency after the baby is born so there isn’t a lot of time to educate them. They are very anxious to sign the papers and leave. She really struggles with this but in our agency, the first parents and the adoptive parents have separate social workers and our social worker works exclusively with adoptive parents so her hands are even more tied. It really worries her.
The only forum I still read is adoption threads http://adoptionthreads.com/forum/index.php It’s a nice mix of adoptees, first parents and adoptive parents (we even have some Dads! )
Sadly, I think that it remains true that more never-before-parents wanting to adopt fear open adoption than not. Probably understandable, if unrealistic, for a number of reasons, including that hidden worry that adoption won’t make them “authentic parents” if the birthfamily is “lurking” nearby, lack of experience with families who are living in open adoption (and so believing the tabloid style, disaster movie-of-the-week view of open adoption.
And, sadly, there are still those same never-before-parents who will make promises about openness about which they have no intention of delivering.
We can only hope that these folks aren’t getting all of their adoption “education” from the forums populated by people who think only as they do, but they are reading books (not just sound bytes) and attending classes or seminars or webinars!
My experience is that people new to adoption are afraid of open adoption, and that people who adopted during the closed era are also afraid of open adoption. So the more newbies and true old-timers you have on a forum, the more anti-open adoption it’s going to be. This is a generalization, and not meant to be any true statistical analysis or anything.
I also find – and again, this is a generalization – that people who have adopted from foster care tend to be actively against open adoption or to not understand open adoption at all. (I do have at least 2 friends who adopted from foster care and have open adoptions, though.) When you consider that most kids are put into foster care due to neglect or abuse, then you can kind of understand where they’re coming from.
The thing is, open adoption, like just about anything else, can’t work if only the extremists get their say. I think a lot of moderates just stay out of the fray entirely.
Again, this is all my opinion. That at $3 will get you a tall non-fat mocha at Starbucks.
Just occured to me…how come a tall latte cost only $3 for you and it’s $5 for me?? lol…;-) (seriously!)
I know they are out there. The waiting parents that hope and pray that they will be matched with an expectant mother that will be the exception that won’t want to see her child. That won’t want them to honor their openness agreement.
I’m speaking honestly here about my experience hoping that I’m not judged harshly as we have learned.
We started down the road to international adoption knowing we would have no birth family contact so when we switched to domestic already financially tied to an agency that only did open adoptions we were praying for just that. But as we continued in the education process with our agency we learned the benefits of open adoption. Now we can’t imagine not having our daughter’s first mom and family in our lives.
It’s fear that leads them and desperation to parent. And if agencies aren’t taking the time to educate the waiting parents then they’ll never learn. Stay away from the boards like that. I recommend this site to everyone that starts asking about open adoption.
I browse lots of stuff on the internet. I have found that there is absolutely no way to know if a forum is populated with people that will be posting stuff that truly offends me or not.
Still I can’t seem to resist reading them, hoping by some miracle that they will change or something.
I hardly ever actually *register* for the various forum boards I come across.
The one that recently offended me was sent to me by a fellow first mom who was like
‘look at this!! can you believe them!!?’(not exact words but along those lines)
Honestly though, I would never actually try and correct their opinions, even though the forums that I *don’t* and *won’t* register too make me feel crazy and still sort of drawn to them.
Sort of like a horror movie instinct I think…lol..I just have to keep reading…even if its really shocking…lol…I am sooo bad for that…lol
Thanks everyone, you are the awesome part of adoption just by supporting *this* site that is actually made of awesome as well. =)
In adoption, as in every topic out there, you can find all kinds of very, very scary things. As a reference librarian I would help people to navigate the internet and then tell them “examine the source.” Is it an established organization and/or reputable individual? Do you believe in their stated vision & goals? Are the founders/leaders of the group visible or do they hide behind logons and anonymity. The example I always used is: Is the information coming from the American Heart Association or some guy named Bob in Cleveland.
Before I join any online forum, regardless of topic, I examine it pretty closely. Most of the time I move on. The internet is a big place and, unfortunately, it is far too easy to make statements from behind a disguise. Or to “flame” people for expressing a view other than your own.
And by the way, I live in Switzerland. Infamous for having the most expensive Big Mac in the world (about $12). A tall latte will run ya about $8 bucks here!
the only one I really go to is Bethany Christian services, the agency we use, some drama, but for the most part I would say there is a good mix of the triad and a few people that are old timers that can kinda keep others “in check” so to speak. But honestly I can see the fear, I am in a very open adoption and I think it does scare people from the outside looking in and sometimes I wish that me and my daughters birhtmom could speak to groups together and give people a real look into our world! and I went to one of Pat Johnstons workshops and it was awesome! I saw her comment on her and thought I would mention.
Just as a little bit of reassurance, we’re just starting out on the adoption path and actively searching for open adoption situation. It took a little reflection on my husband’s part, but reflecting on what we know of adoptive families this is our desire. However, as I only belong to this adoption forum right now by choice, I might not be the best example
the others creeped me out too.
I am new to this forum, but love it so far! I am one of those “newbies” and open adoption was scary at first for us, too. But, being a therapist for children and reading only a few books, it became very clear what is best for the child. Since I want what is best for my child above everything, including my own desperation and wariness, I sought out an agency that encourages open adoptions. Also, I really like our forum at http://www.tryingtoconceive.com and you just need to click on Adoption for the adoption discussion board. I learned a lot from them and they seem to really “get it.” Thanks for the great site!
I found your site confusing and I couldn’t find the adoption link…but thanks for trying..
My husband and I are in an open adoption and would love for more contact. We also went into our adoption not knowing exactly what open adoption was, but had a wonderful adoption counselor that guided and educated us. I have also found many of the other adoption forums shocking to say the least. I hope and pray that the people who post on those websites are the minority and the educated, open adoptive families are the majority. It makes me sad to know that people don’t seem to care about the first families. This has been the best site for my family.