We agreed to our first visit with our son’s birthfamily (birthmother and birthfamily are all who are listed in the agreement) being at 6 months after placement, which is coming up in May. The birthfather has told us now that they want to have the birthmother, him, his sister and her family of 4, his mother, the birthmother’s mother, and some number of her family (she has 15 brothers and sisters) all along on the visit. We feel that this is too many people for a 15-month old (how old he will be at the time) to be crowded by. We don’t think they understand that he won’t likely remember any of them, especially since he was passed from family member to friend throughout the first 9 months of his life. We are worried that so many people demanding his attention and affection will overwhelm and maybe even frighten him. Anyone successfully navigate a similar situation? Our birthfamily is pretty selfish and not overly caring about our son vs. their needs, unfortunately. Thanks!
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I AGREE!!!! Visits are stressfull enough for the adults..but to have your child surrounded by strangers all that will want attention is to much. Id start out with who you originally agreed upon, and maybe little by little at future visits increase if YOU as the PARENT feel is good! My sons bmother tried that by bringing a “friend” who missed my son with her,,my response,,she leaves or visit is DONE. Remember best interest of the child, not what makes the bparents happy!
I agree that having more than a few people would be overwhelming. But come on, momx6 ~ one friend? In your own words: remember best interest of the child. The best interest of the child is to see his/her first mom, have a relationship. To deny this poor girl a visit with her child because of one friend? I think you are grasping for a reason to cut your child’s first mom out of your life.
SORRY SUSIE..BUT THAT FRIEND IS A KNOWN CRIP GANG MEMBER AND WAS RELEASED FROM JAIL 3 DAYS PRIO TO VISIT!!!!!!!SO YES BEST INTEREST OF MY SON WAS JUSTIFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNLESS U KNOW THE WHOLE SITUATION ITS NOT A GOOD IDEA TO JUDGE, NOT ONLY HAVE I ALLOWED MY SONS BMOTHER OVER ON CHRISTMAS DAY BUT SHES SPEND WEEKENDS WITH US. SHE BROKE THE DEAL..NO FRIENDS!
Don’t ignore that little voice in the back of your mind that is telling you this is not a good idea – it’s your mommy intuition.
You’re number one job is not to make everyone happy but to protect your son. If I was in your shoes I would let them know that those listed on the agreement are welcome for the visit however you *know* the too many people will be overwhelming for him. (Don’t say “I think it will be overwhelming” say “I KNOW it will be overwhelming.”)
Granted I don’t know all the details so really you’re the only one in the position to be able to say yes or no but I think the fact that you’re uncomfortable with the situation should be evidence enough of the choice you need to be making.
You absolutely can set appropriate limits and you can decide what appropriate is. I know your open adoption is still fairly new and as you all get a better sense of each other, you can figure out whether flexibility works for you all or if firm boundaries are what’s healthier for you all. From what you’ve said before, she is really struggling and it sounds like kind but firm boundaries may be what she needs so that she isn’t trying to figure out your expectations, you know?
i agree too
I wonder… do you think this could be some kind of a “test” by the birthfamily to see how open you REALLY intend to be?
Of course this is too many people for a first visit. Just one or two–birthmother and/or birthfather–would be best for a baby, and for you, too. This is a new relationship, and the people most important to it are two sets of parents and the child. Once those folks have a sense of shared goals and respect for one another’s boundaries it would make sense to consider including some others–but still, a few at a time.
Our open adoption is now almost 26 years old. For a while it was just birthmother, us, and our daughter. Then we included our other kids, her other kids, and her husband. It wasn’t until our daughter ( a shy person by nature) felt that SHE wanted to meet the extended family of grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins that we did that. By the time she went to college, she had a free flowing relationship that she felft comfortable about with the whole group–especially enjoying her similarly-aged cousins and just slightly younger half-sibs.
My daughter is 18 and graduating from high school, so I’ve been doing open adoption for a long time. Would you normally take your son to a party, reunion, etc. with many people? Like would you not attend your own family or high school reunion because you are worried it’s overwhelming? If the answer is yes, then you have your answer. Tell your son’s first family that large crowds overwhelm your son.
If your answer is “no” then consider what is really bothering you and dealing with it honestly. I don’t think a toddler is necessarily going to react negatively to a large crowd. If you’re worried about your reaction or your husband’s reaction, that’s a different story. To me that would be a legitimate worry. It’s a lot to absorb all at once. Perhaps an initial meeting with a smaller group would be easier for you. Talk to your child’s first mom honestly. Don’t make threats and ultimatums. This is a life long relationship, not only for you, but for your son. Try to build bridges, not burn them.
It’s obvious you want the best for your son. My guess is that his first family does too. It sometimes just takes some real careful thought to figure out what that looks like.
I wish you real luck and congratulations on your child and choosing open adoption.
I’m new to the forum and this topic caught my attention! We are adoptive parents to a 9 month old (Ty) and are in a very open adoption with his first family. However, they live several states away and we haven’t seen them since we left, last July (we had to stay in there state for 3 weeks). In those three weeks we did a lot of party hopping and got together with large groups of people. It was exhausting, but we were happy to do it because we didn’t know if it would ever happen again. Any piece of information I could collect on Ty’s first family was invaluable to me (and as a newborn he didn’t know any different).
Now, 9 months later, we are planning a trip back in April. Ty’s birth mother has become one of my closest friends and I’m ecstatic that we are finally getting our long, awaited reunion. I am nervous, however, about how Ty will do. He is starting to cry when strangers are around. He does okay in a room full of people as long as I’m holding him, but I know everyone is going to want to hold him and play with him, once we get there.
We have pictures of Ty’s birth family all over the house….but, it’s just not the same. We have a close enough relationship with all of them that I know we can talk it through if need be, but I am afraid that Ty’s clingy-ness will hurt feelings.
All that to say….I feel for you!
Rebekah, we attended a family reunion when Madison was 15-months old and definitely very clingy. It was hard because there was sadness among some of her first family members who were so prepared to embrace her and then ended up feeling a little bit pushed away. BUT it was also the reality of adoption, you know? I mean it was am important time for all of us because it helped create a deeper understanding of the reality of the loss in adoption. It was the first time that Pennie’s dad really confronted what the adoption meant and that helped him and Pennie heal over some hurts that happened long before the pregnancy. It also created a much stronger relationship between Pennie and me as we worked as we united to try to make the visit easier for Madison was had a great time but was pretty overwhelmed.
Visits can be hard, definitely but they’re also a terrific chance to adjust to the reality that is being a family by open adoption. I think if we can remind ourselves of the bigger picture, it makes the hard parts easier. And the fact that you already have a great relationship with Ty’s birth mom tells me that this is going to be a good visit whatever challenges might crop up!!
My Isabel was the same way leading up to a visit. She wanted nothing to do with anyone but daddy or I. I was so worried that she wouldn’t let her first mom or anyone else hold her. I was so pleased when we got there and it was a complete change. She let everyone hold her. Her Gigi fed her and her cousin (11 yr old) rocked her to sleep. Hoping the same will be true for Ty when you go.
I really feel for you. Setting boundaries at the beginning of the oa is not fun. If you are like me, I struggled so much with what we were feeling, but I certainly did not want to step on anyone else’s feelings, either…especially the birthparents because I felt SOOO indebted to them for having chosen us to be their little baby girl’s family. In our situtation, the birthmother has a really big family. The birthfather….not as many people involved…just that the ones who are are very “overpowering”, to put it mildly. Our agreement with the birthparents in the beginning of our oa was to have visits with just the birthmother and just the birthfather (separately, because they broke up soon after our daughter was born.). Since the start…the birthfather insists on bringing his parents (and sometimes his brother), and the birthmother usually just brings one other person. That has been just fine with us, because it wasn’t TOO many people. The only time we told either one of them “No, too many” was when the birthmother invited us to a Thanksgiving/Family reunion. There were going to be 50+ people at that gathering and both my husband and I agreed that we would have felt SOOOO awkward (especially after her grandmother had verbally abused me at the hospital when our daughter was born…she accused me of stealing her granddaughter’s baby!). So, we very gently put it that we were not comfortable in that setting and could we meet at the local aquarium instead and make a playdate of it with her and a maybe her parents and siblings. That worked out great! We had a wonderful time.
So…long story short. Yes, set boundaries. You are perfectly right to limit the number of people at the visits. What our birthfamilies do in our oa is bring video cameras and digital cameras and take a ton of pictures of our daughter at the visit and share them with other family members. Also, anytime I send an update with pictures to the birthmother and birthfather, they forward them on to their family and friends so that everyone is kept up-to-date.
One day, we might make it to a family reunion…as our relationship grows and strengthens..but right at the beginning…it was just too much.
If you were talking about a 6 month old I would say just let them all come with the understanding that it’s a one time thing that won’t happen again. That a limited number can visit in the future.
But in your situation it sounds like setting a limit is in the best interest of your son. But I would try and assure them that they are welcome to bring different family members to the next visit (assuming you’re okay with that).
Remember only you know how your son handles a room with 5 people vs a room with 25. And given his past and his age I’m guessing he does better with 5. I know my daughter at nearly two can get a little overwhelmed sometimes and she’s been home with us from an early age. You might still be having bonding and trust issues with him, so don’t let anyone tell you that you should allow a big family reunion right now. Like someone said, it’s your mommy intuition.
I don’t know the full situation, so I’m just throwing this out there:
Are birthmom and birthdad still together? If not, I’m wondering if their desire for a big family gathering is to avoid tension between them or because they might need someone to support them, and won’t have that from one another.
If that is the case, might you possibly allow each of them to bring one other person so you can both limit the number of people and help them feel supported. If that would still be too much, would it be possible to have separate visits?
Good luck!
Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. You have helped us to formulate a plan that seems, so far, to be acceptable to the bfamily and that we can feel comfortable with. We said that each parent could bring 2 family members with them but advised them that, the more people who are there, the more likely for our son to feel uncomfortable. Also, the more people vying for his attention, the less time they will have to interact with him on a deeper level. He is very clingy with us even with people he sees every week, like his sitter, so we recommended they read up on stranger suspicion in toddlers, as we did.
Those of you who commented that some of my concerns were from my own feelings are correct. I am struggling to remain compassionate and understanding with bparents who lack basic social skills and continue to make very confusing choices with their lives. They live across the country from each other but regularly have “conjugal” visits (in fact, the bfather’s sister brought up the idea of us adopting their 2nd child, should they get pregnant again!). During this conversation about the visit, our bfather said that my husband and I ‘legally care for’ our son, but they are his parents, not us. That was a hurtful thing to say
The last we had heard before this planning started was that part of the reason our bmother attempted suicide on Christmas Day was because her family had disowned her for adopting her child to a caucasian couple (she’s Vietnamese- our son is half-Vietnamese and half-caucasian). Now some of them want to come to the visit? The grandmother actually used to require that our son wear girl’s clothing before she would see him! We most certainly will not put him in a dress to make her feel comfortable! Once after the bfather dropped our son off at his sister’s when he couldn’t care for him, bmother’s family showed up unannounced and demanded that they hand over the baby. There is a tiny fear in our minds that they might try to grab our son and run.
We don’t know whether they will bring some of the family or take our advice to keep the group to just them and our bfather’s sister (she offered to chaperone to help the bparents act more appropriately and not accidentally physically injure our son by being too rough with him). But we sent an email with very clear boundaries around the visit and the bfather replied back that he agreed to our “terms”. Now, to wait out the next 2 months until the visit…