How do I tell my birthdaughter that I do not know for sure who her birthfather is? I was heavily drinking back then and had several relationships. I have always kept in touch with the adoptive family by letters and photos and when my birthdaughter turned 18 actually met her and have developed a wonderful relationship. So disappointed about my past and afraid for anyone to find out I lied about the birthfather to her, her family and mine. Now at 24 she wants her birthfathers name.
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Just be honest with her. In my humble opinion, you don’t have to couch the conversation in shame or apologies, either. She’s 24 and I would venture a guess that she knows that real life can be messy and complicated. Don’t be afraid of anyone’s judgment- trust in your relationship with your daughter and her adoptive parents. In my own experience as a birth mother, I know that I spent a lot of time trying to maintain a certain positive presentation of myself to my child’s adoptive family. I was afraid that if I showed my authentic self, I wouldn’t be considered worthy of a relationship with my child. What I didn’t consider was the possibility that I wasn’t trusting in the relationship that I had forged with my child and his family. I didn’t give anyone a chance to accept the ‘real me’, because I was chock full of self-doubt. I would argue that to be straightforward with your daughter constitutes a positive risk, where you allow her to have a fuller picture of your shared reality and you give her a chance to accept and respect you as you are. Maybe I’m an idealist…
Just be honest with her, at this stage it’s too messy to try and find out now..