I recently opened our daughter’s adoption with her maternal grandparents (written contact between me and them only for now). We had no formal agreement with them or bio mom. We fostered to adopt our daughter through DCFS. Bio mom abandoned her for months, then made a few visits, relinquished her rights at the termination hearing and then finally after numerous attempts to schedule- did make the final goodbye visit. At the final visit she told us she wanted an open adoption. I told her to contact her attorney, our attorney looked into it as well and nothing every came of it. My question is- should I be in contact with bio mom too? What’s best for my daughter? (I have everyone’s contact info through the foster care process). Bio mom and grandma talk, I am sure she is sharing the information I share with her. I am reluctant to engage with bio mom as she is very inconsistent and is unsafe (prior to custody she removed my daughter from her bio grandmother’s care and crossed state lines). My daughter’s bio grandmother took care of her most of her life anyway. What relationship will be more important to the child in the long run? Anyone else been in a similar situation?
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I don’t think I have enough info to really give an honest opinion.
Much of what you say is confusing to me. I have to believe there is more to the story than ‘she abandoned her’. There must have been something going on in her life that caused her to neglect her daughter. This first mom also could have been waiting for YOU to contact her.
Are you saying you need her to contact *you*??? Is that something she can actually do??
I will always be on the side of more openness because it is an opportunity for you to keep the conections your daughter will always have to her first family.
How that openness happens is up to you, you have all the power here.
I think inevitably, the birth parent relationship is the most important one to the child long term. My children were raised for 3 years by a loving foster parent, and now as teenagers that relationship is not nearly is important as the scraps of info we get from their family of origin.
If there is a safe way to maintain contact, I would encourage you to do so, if at all possible.
I being an adult adoptee in a full open reunion now, will say i really have NO need for a connection to my bmother. I care for her as i do for any human being but shes nothing more than someone who chose for What ever reasons( which i now know) to place me. I have an adopted son who i have an open adoption with his bmother, but the only Ireason i did was for him to know his history medical, etc. I dont belelive in the primal wound or any of that (for myself) because im NO better or Worse for knowing my bmother. I beleive open adoption is an OK thing, but I would never want MY bmother involved in my life as a child, teen etc. I dont resent her,,i Pitty her,as well as my sons bmother who also lost him to tpr and we adopted through dcf. Honestly , you owe her NOTHING, what you do owe is your child a Stable family and by including this fly by night person prob isnt the best.
the most IMPORTANT relation ship is the one between the mommy (you) and the child. good luck
I think you should reach out to her and offer to keep her informed on your child, but I would keep that relationship between the adults for now. A letter now and then wouldn’t be too much effort on your part and may mean the world to her. As a birth mother I would be way too unsure to open contact to my daughter’s parents if I didn’t have it. Most birth family I have talked to feel the same way. The adoptive family has all the power to control the relationships and how much or little a relationship the birth family has with the child. Perhaps you can ask her parents for advice on that since they know their daughter? If you reach out to her and she repeats the past behavior then you are no worse off. If she has straightened up and can be a good part of your child’s life then I would think that would be better for everybody. You can test the waters and see without compromising your child.