Birth mom withholding info about my birth dad. Now what?

– March 15, 2010Posted in: Community Wisdom

How would you handled the relationship with your birth mother withholding information about your birth father who may or may not know you exist?

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3 Comments

1. Reply

   momx6

   Posted March 18, 2010 at 12:05 PM

   it may be a painful memory for her. maybe u can try to just get a name and leave it at that

2. Reply

   Erica

   Posted March 18, 2010 at 9:07 PM

   Have you asked why she won’t give that information? There could be so many reasons. She could have been raped, she could have had a painful breakup, she could feel that the birthfather is dangerous. He may have abused her and she may be afraid for both of your safety if he is located. He may have been involved in drugs or illegal activities or been in jail. She may be afraid that if the birth father is included in the adoption relationship then she won’t be as special and her own place in your family will change or be lost. You may need to have an open talk with her and explain why you want the information about her birth father and assure her that your love for her will not go away if he is found. Maybe that will help. I personally lied to everybody in the adoption process about my daughter’s father because he was a drug dealer and had threatened me and tried to force me into having an abortion. As soon as the adoption was finalized I did tell the adoptive parents the truth but I refused to give them his name. I feel that he’s too dangerous to her at this point in time. I will however give her that information when she’s older (or them if he cleans up and would no longer be a danger).

3. Reply

   andy

   Posted March 19, 2010 at 5:21 PM

   This is something that I struggle with too. I am (almost!) 40 years old and have been in reunion with my mother for just over 8 years. She will not tell me who my father is either, even though she did tell me that he died about 4 years ago. Her main reason is that she does not want his family to know about me, since he was married and had other children. I was a result of their affair.

   In my case, she has dropped enough hints, and has even told me his first name, that I’m pretty sure I could find his family if I really wanted to. But what keeps me from just running out and doing that is that I risk what little bit of relationship I have with my mother. I’m not sure that I’m willing to sacrifice that just try and reach out to people who may just end up rejecting me anyway.

   There are no easy answers, other then to try to talk to her about why it’s important to you. In the end, she holds all the cards on this one and you may have to live with the fact that you will never know.

   Good luck.