My daughter will be two next month. Her parents are wonderful. We skype and email often. We’re facebook friends so I can see tons of pictures and get a glimpse of their day to day life.
The problem is that I don’t feel that I’m important in the little one’s life. A two year old can’t understand so what is all of this contact accomplishing except to make me sad? I can’t possibly be important to her parents. I get tons of pictures on her mom’s facebook but everyone sees those things. They’re nice to see but they’re not special because they’re not chosen just for me and no effort is going into making sure that I have them. I guess this just all seems more important to me than to my daughter’s a-parents.
Why do I try so hard to do what they want even when it hurts if they don’t care and a 2-year-old can’t understand?
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Have you communicated this with them?
It has been my experience that many adoptive parents who do this social networking sharing of pictures and nothing else feel like they are doing what is expected and I’ve ever heard some comment that they are doing more, because they update so often.
One way to look at this is that they are treating you like one of their friends/family members – they are giving you a glimpse into their every day life. They are sharing the raw, emotional daily experience of parenthood with you – rather than sending you the sanitized ‘perfect parent’ version of their life, which so many first parents only see.
Open adoption is about creating relationships. It is about building a foundation in these early years that will be strong and hold the relationship in the years to come.
You see this is ‘not mattering’ but it really *does* matter. It matters to the collective relationship. They have invited (and I hate to use that word, but another alternative escapes me) you into their lives as a daily fixture via this social networking/technology medium. They are making you part of their daily/weekly interaction. I don’t see this as a bad thing – I see this as the foundation for a potentially very open, honest relationship between you and your child when she is old enough to participate.
The hardest time during an open adoption is the beginning. You’re all finding your footing, trying new things and doing it all without the input from the person who, in the end, it will matter to the most – the adopted child.
If you want “more” then you have the right, as you do in any relationship, to ask for that. You could say, “Bob and Sue, I really enjoy the pictures you post on Facebook of Jane. I love seeing her grow and become her own little person, but I was wondering if you would mind sending me a picture or two from time to time that’s just for ‘us’. I love that you include me in your circle of friends and family, but sometimes, I’d love to have something meant just for me”.
I think that’s understandable and most importantly, reasonable. Plus, it will give you the feeling you seem to need in the relationship, which is that they’re giving something back to it, rather than just taking from it.
Good luck =)
First, let me start by recognizing the normalacy of the pain you are feeling. Even though the pictures and communication are great – they heighten the reality of what you are missing too. Even so, I want to applaud you for making the effort to stay involved in your daughter’s life. You are right – at two years old, your daughter probably doesn’t yet grasp the exact nature of her relationship with you. However, at two, she is BEGINNING to make the conenction that you are a special person in her life. She probably doesn’t Skype with everybody! And the foundation for a meaningful relationship has already been laid by all of this contact. Over the next few years, she will be able to grasp the ‘birds and bees’ nature of her being born from your body and her subsequent adoption. And she will greatly benefit from knowing that although you chose not to parent her full time, you love her and wanted to be part of her life. And, as she gets older, and has more questions about what it means to her to be adopted – that you spent that time, before she was even able to recognize the importance, maintaing contact and being an active member of her family will mean even more. Everything that you are doing now builds a foundation for the relationship that you will have with your daughter. And, it most definitely helps to shape how she will view and feel about her adoption in the years to come.
Personally, as a first mom, I hope that my love is evident in my interest.
Often for me knowing more about my son makes me feel better, even as I greive the loss of parenting him.
Contact at this stage, for you, in my opinion is valuable because it is good to see your child as she is.
I have read stories of first mothers in closed adoption where they did not know anything about what the child looked like or was like growing up.
For them it was and will always be a great shock to them, something that is hard to deal with.
In my opinion, as a first mom, I see this sort of ‘on-going’ pain something that will mean that I won’t have to deal with a huge shock in years to come because I will know what to expect.
I see it as something that can make me stronger, more able to love, and live.
Just because something is hard doesn’t mean you should stop doing it. If anything, the harder a thing is to do, the more worth it is worth doing!!
Just a thought, a two year old might not understand, but in just five years or more, your daughter will be curious about herself as a baby, and all kinds of things. Personally I hope to give my son something to look back on for when he is older, so he will know that I always was a part of his life, that I never ever ‘abandoned’ him in any way(my worst fear that he will think that)
I think your daughter does understand. She might not be able to verbalize it, or even have an abstract concept of your relationship — that kind of thought-based understanding is beyond a 2 year old — but she *does* understand. Her brain might not able to understand, but her heart certainly does. And when her brain starts to ask itself questions about her first mother, her heart is going to be able to answer those questions: “my first mother knows me and loves me”
I am responding to this comment from the other side…the side of the adoptive parent. First of all…let me just say that you would be absolutely amazed at what a child of 2 years old can perceive. I made an adoption story/scrapbook for my daughter when she was turning 2. It tells the story of how she came to be in our family. It has pictures of us as well as her birthparents. After I read that story to her once…she already could identify both of her birthparents by name. In fact, soon after I finished her book, we were due for a visit with her birthfamilies (families I say, because their parents are involved also). My little girl caught a glimpse of them (separately…we arrange visits separately) and ran right to them, calling them by name. Ok…maybe she could not “know” or think ,”these are my birthparents”…but she knows that they are family and therefore are an important fixture in her life.
I don’t think your daughter’s adoptive parents don’t care….perhaps what they need from you is for you to communicate what you would like from them. I have “checked in” several times with my daughter’s birthmother and father to make sure they are satisfied with the amount and type of contact we have. We cannot see them very often because we live in a different state, but we still arrange for a visit once a year at a fun vacation-type spot. That way, when my daughter thinks about the visits we have with her birthfamilies…she will be building memories of all the fun times we had together in some pretty cool places.
I guess, in short, I’m trying to say that any and all contact that you have with your daughter DOES make a difference, especially at the age of 2. That way, you will be a part of some of her earliest memories.
as an adoptive parent AND adoptee myself…it means alot.
I have open adoption with my son and hes 3,, no he doesnt understand yet how K fits into us
he will. Its hard and always will be but i do it for him, In one month it will be a year that my bmom and i are in
contact, and its great! my sons bmother lost her rights through dcf but for him i will continue to do whats best for him
and thats knowing HIS history good bad or indifferent! Adoptive parents do care, and just knowing the bparent wants
contact, is special and the child will benefit from it