Today is my daughter’s 4th birthday. When the mail came, I expected to receive something from both of her birthparents (or at least, to have received something BY today.) A package came from the birthfather. Nothing from the birthmother. I checked my e-mail, because in the past she at least sent her an e-card. Nothing. I haven’t yet opened the box from the birthfather because I know that my daughter will question, “Where’s my present from K?” It is possible that it could be late. It is possible that she did not send anything at all. I don’t want my daughter to think that her birthmother didn’t think of her today or loves her any less than her birthfather because I know that is not true. But how do you explain to a small child that even though one sends presents and not the other…..they both love and think of her with the amount of love and affection?
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I think the biggest thing you should be teaching your child, adopted or not, is that love isn’t for sale – gifts don’t equal love. We are experiencing the hardest economic time our generation has ever seen, so there are any number of things that could play a role in why a gift wasn’t sent.
What is the communication like with your child’s first mother? Do you talk to her? Do you know what her situation is like currently?
My daughter has a birthday at the end of the month. She’s older. I won’t be sending her a gift this year and I didn’t send her one last year.
It should also be noted that for the first ten years of her life, I didn’t send her a gift/card at all – it was just to difficult for me. For the first year, I visited a few days after her birthday, but after that, it just passed without my involvement…which was my choice and was something her parents understood.
We all have reasons for doing/not doing stuff. As I mentioned above, I didn’t give my daughter a gift last year and I don’t plan on it this year…I have very valid reasons for this and I’d be happy to share them with her or her mother, if they ever asked, but they haven’t.
I would suggest that, rather than looking for ‘reasoning’ from outside sources, you open the lines of communication directly with your daughters first mom and find out if everything is ok.
It’s pretty common for the reality of placement to hit someone years later…my daughter was 8 when it hit me like a bus – I ended up having to be hospitalized because of the emotional state that overcame me.
Placement is still a pretty traumatic loss – some people deal with that differently and some don’t deal with it at all…
You need to find out where her head is at – and the only way to do that is to talk to her. Good luck – this whole gift giving thing is just one more difficult aspect of OA.
I could be something as simple as the gift got lost in the mail.
That *can* happen, right?
Also, the date of a child’s birthday, especially for a first mom, is hard on them(the first mom)
Life sometimes gets in the way, she might have only remember to mail the gift right on the date, this gift might still be coming.
Try not to jump to conclusions when you really don’t know why a gift has not come.
Honestly I second what was said above.
Her situation, from what she has communicated…she is from a family that is well-off. She is in college, and graduating this May. She is also starting a new job in May. She recently sent me an e-mail that she is just got engaged and will be getting married in the Fall. We sent e-mails back and forth about how we were so excited for her and about the fact that we wanted to send something special to her for her graduation. She seemed really happy and excited and said that she appreciated and loved all the e-mails and pictures we have sent to her. I think it is very possible that she has SOOOOO much going on in her life right now that she just didn’t get a present or card in the mail in time for her birthday.
And I do try to teach my kids that size of gift, and if there is a gift does not equate to how much they are loved. My daughter also loves to receive cards…even if it is an e-card that costs nothing. She just loves the fact that something was sent to her….even if it was just a card. She is extremely perceptive for a child her age. She picked up a couple of years ago on “who gave me this dress”, or “who gave me this toy”. She has remembered our answers to this day.
I hear what you are saying about the fact that it may be that it is just too difficult for her, emotionallly. I can see that. I have tried to reach out to her to share her feelings. She is the type of person that keeps her feelings very close to herself and does not share them. However, she gives me the impression that she is a very strong person and has moved on with her life in a very healthy way. Not to discount that she does not feel pain or loss because of the adoption. Just basing my impression on what the birthfather has said. He is very envious of her because she has seemed be able to deal with the adoption and move on with her life so much better than he has.
Everyone deals different. I seems to get harder for me as the years pass. Its been harder now that I am in a relationship and we have a child together. I always send them later because I want him to understand that his adopted parents come first. He knows I am his birthmom and that I love him dearly but Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Mothers Day, his birthday the day i got and found out i was pregnant, the time I had to sign those papers and the day it was all completed all bother me. Yes we may seem strong, but we never forget what we have had to do. she may be trying to respect you and let you have the birthday to celebrate with his now parents. You may want to send her an email just letting her know how the Birthday went and just see what happens.
Just because she seems on the surface by the birthfather that she’s moved on from it, that doesn’t mean she has. I play happy go lucky birth mom too, especially to people that I don’t want to see me hurting (like the adoptive parents or some friends). That doesn’t mean I am all the time. There is still a loss and grief no matter what and even if we deal with it in the healthiest way possible it is still there. Sometimes you think you’re perfectly okay with it and then something sets you off. I hadn’t cried or felt sad in months until I was at a kids place with my nephews and saw a girl about my daughter’s age playing with her father. I cried for an hour in the car. Your daughter’s birth mom may just be busy or something but I would ask her directly. I know with me sometimes it’s hard to send presents or even cards because I don’t want to let it go. I buy it and then I have trouble sending it because having it with me is like having a little piece of her with me again. That may sound silly but that’s how it is for me.