We adopted our grandson because our cps took parental custody from our daughter. She had lost other children to adoption with strangers to us. Couldn’t bare to have this happen again. But now we are involved with his adult brothers & Sisters and other members of our family. His father is deceased. His b-mom wants him and/or wants to see him. She is an addict. He is very sensitive and she is very inappropriate. Family basically thinks we should allow visits. Husband on the fence (for over thirty years). So, if you have suggestions about this I would appreciate hearing them. I feel very alone here. Thanks.
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You said, “husband is on the fence (for over thirty years)” – are you saying that the adopted child is an adult?
This is a question I will need an answer to before I can comment on anything.
@Jane, Our adopted son is 6 years old. When I say my husband has been on the fence for 30 years, it is because he loves daughter and feels he failed her somehow. He doesn’t get the part about “letting her go and if she belongs she will come back” you know? We have been struggeling with our daughter and her addiction for nearly 30 years. Our adult grandkids seem to think we should let our son visit with her. They all want to whitewash her behavior. Yes, they all have problems because of the kind of parenting they recieved.
I hope this helps. I look forward to input on this. Gives me another point of view. I am kind of sick of my own.
I am under the impression that this is a child – young enough to be incapable of understanding the ramifications of the decision. And therefor should be left out of the decision process. If he is old enough to have an opinion – old enough to understand the ramifications of the choices he makes I would say do what he wants.
My impulse is to say no. In truth only you can really know if he should or should not see his birthmother. If she were not your daughter I would say hands down no. But being your daughter the relationsip is different. But then what do I know – both of my children’s birth mothers live in different countries. and therefor we have a fairly closed adoption in both cases.
My reasoning for saying no actually comes more from the fact that she is an addict then that he was adopted. See my dad is an addict and my mom let me visit anyway. I spent summers with my dad and I have distinct memories of him taking me with him to buy drugs. ANd while I realize that you are probably talking about visits with you there I do not think it matters. Addicts do inappropriate things and hurt people. And children should be protected from that.
Either way good luck – I will pray for you all.
@Upstatemomof3, Thank you. What you shared about your childhood really helps. I also came from an alcoholic family live so I don’t always know if I am making “proper” decision. Another thing about this situation: the bio-mom is our daughter. Because she is an adict, we really can’t be around her but, we have truly lost our daughter. That is a huge piece of the dynamics I think. Nobody is willing to really let her go.
We are in a roughtly similar situation. Our grandson, who is now 5, was taken by cps a year and a half ago. His bio mom is a meth addict. We have always had a close relationship with this child, and that has continued through his stay with his foster family. They hope to adopt him. We had moved out of that area soon before he was taken by CPS and after meeting and getting to know his foster parents, decided to support his continuing stay with them. In order to do that, and to be supportive of them, we do not allow him any contact with his birth mother, who has also given up her visitations are cps, with him.
We strongly feel it was detrimental to him, to see her, even in a supervised situation at CPS. She would say things to him, like, “I am your REAL MOM!” and confuse him. She would mess with his little head and he would have behavior problems for days afterwards. Simply put, in a supervised situation or not, a child should never be around a drug addict. Drug addicts are basically selfish people and incapable of putting anyone, including their children, ahead of their drugs. They do not make good choices or decisions and can totally mess up a child. I know it is hard to tell her “no” because she is your daughter and you think she might get better IF she can see her child, a person tends to think maybe that will motivate her to change, but changing her and motivating her is NOT your grand child’s job…. her child deserves a chance at a peaceful life, free of the drama that always surrounds a drug addict. I vote no.
Yes. You stated this so well. Thank you! I have been trying to convince the rest of the family of what you have said here. If it doesn’t change them, at least it helps me feel like I am on the right track. As I said before, sometimes if feels very lonely in my shoes. Thank you again.