well i received a call from my sons bmother. she asked me..when i come down next weekend, can I take a picture with K? I said sure,,she wants to go to sears. She said..i never took a picture just mommy and son! Well, now, I am going to allow the picture BUT wondering how Im going to address the whole..mommy and him thing. He calls her by her first name and since he just turned 3 he has no clue what adoption is just yet. So again,,shes managed to put me on the spot. Not sure how to address her.
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My daughter definitely knew what adoption was at three so I’d encourage you to start talking with your son NOW. He really is developmentally able to begin to process his story. For our daughter, we have always had visits with her birth mom so she knew theoretically who Pennie was but it was at about two where she had the language to start really getting it. Our discussions were prompted by a friend of ours who was pregnant and like any 2-year old, Madison wanted to know about the baby in our friend’s tummy, which led to us talking about her birth mom and growing in her birth mom’s uterus.
As to her saying “mommy and son”, I’m not sure about the rest of your relationship (you mention her putting you on the spot “again”) so I’m unsure of what part of this is bothering you. Is she calling herself mommy to him? Because if she’s not, I wouldn’t be too worried about it. But it sounds like there’s more to the story so maybe you can come back and share some more? (You can comment with the anonymous@openadoptionsupport.com address to maintain your anonymity.)
Just thinking out loud here…well…thinking while typing. My MIL did not want to be called “Grandma.” She wanted the grandchildren to call her “Mama” (French pronunciation). My sister-in-law and I hated it. Our children called US Mama, and the slight variation in accent wasn’t enough. So in my house I referred to her as “Grandmama.” I never confronted it, I just used a different word and my kids were never confused. They knew who was there every day and who wasn’t.
My sister-in-law tried to cooperate, but her kids just refused to use the same words. Instead of “Mama” and “Papa” they called the grandparents “Maw” and “Paw.” It was hysterical.
I think that kids are smarter than we sometimes give them credit for. Your son is with you every day and will follow your practice.
i tell my son hes adopted..here and there..unfortunatly he has a speech delay so if he did have questions he prob cant ask them yet. He knows her by her first name and honestly doesnt remember her from one visit to next. he only sees her 3 -4 times a year. Ive caught her when im not in the room saying come see mommy,,,but when im around its come see K. Im adopted and i had nooo idea what it meant till i was older..id say closer to 7 or 8. my mom told me but the concept…wayyyyy to complicated . so basically i need to tell her that he knows her as K..and mommy is me.
@momx6,
We help our small son know who his “mama B” is by having pictures of her and her family in his little photo album. He’s 16 month old, so we are helping him learn their names, along with his other grandparents and aunts who all live thousands of miles away. Also, it is our tradition that every night before bedtime he gets a kiss from daddy, a kiss from mommy, a kiss from mama b, and kisses from all the people who love him. That way he hears her name and her love for him every single day. We believe it is our responsibility as the adoptive parent to help him know his family members and maintain his relationships with them.
From your clarification, it doesn’t sound like this is the case… but, when I first read it, it reminded me of my own wish that I’d gotten some professional “mommy and son” shots when I WAS mommy. (prior to signing TPR) Any possibility that’s what she’s referring to?
Momx6,
God is an EXTREMELY complex concept, one that the great philosophers could only fully argue, and yet children who are TOLD God exists, accept God exists. Do you understand what I’m getting at? It’s complicated because you are MAKING it complicated. Children are simple, faithful beings, without the fears and judgments we adults hold onto. You didn’t “understand” the concept of adoption until you were 7 or 8 because it wasn’t openly explained until you were that age. If you choose to tell him that he has two mothers, (and the sooner, the better) he’ll understand that he has two mothers. And yes, he knows on some (although probably only subconscious) level that she is his mother. He heard her voice for nine months as his nervous system developed from a single cell: those are the type of things “remembered” on a deep level.
The more people there are to love a child, the more happy he will be. You could just as simply tell him that he’s extra special and that’s why he has two mommy’s to love him, you– his mother–and her: “Mama K.” She can never take away the space in his heart that he holds for you, and you can never take away the space in his heart he holds for her. It’s not a competition, and she IS his mother. No woman can even STOP being a mother once she gives life to another.
As for his speech delay: I hope you will take the time to study his development. For a child with delayed communication does NOT equate to a child with a delayed intellect. That has been proven.
The best time to “explain” it to him (and I know from experience it takes a simple statement, for example “This was your mommy a long time ago, we call her Mama K, but now I’m your mommy, because I take care of you now, and will always take care of you. Do you have any questions?…”) is when she is there for him to relate to (no pun intended).
The best of luck.
cant agree sorry.was told from day one i was adopted and knew i had a Birth mommy! i just knew those were words! No understanding at all and actually,
im 38 and i STILL have a hard time understanding that my birth mom placed me. Grew up Very secure and loved and still loved and secure. I can say to my son,
your adopted, k is your birth mother,,he looks at me and says …nada. He will hear it but only god knows when hell understand, take it from an adoptee,,,we really dont understand
we ACCEPT!
one more comment ,,,im a teacher so im fully aware that speech Doesnt mean dev delay!
I would explain to her that your son knows her by her first name and YOU are mommy. Maybe she doesn’t know how to address herself. In any case, the sooner you talk about it to her the better. Remember you are the gatekeeper of the relationship until your son can navigate it on his own, and YOU have to do what’s best and, what feels, comfortable for you.
Best of luck!
@melissa, I appreciate your experience but I feel like we’re talking about two different issues here. Understanding that your mom placed you (with the inherent loss, etc.) is different than understanding that you grew in her body. My daughter certainly struggles with the WHY of her adoption but she gets the bare facts and I believe that openness is WHY she gets this so clearly and so early. I mean, open adoption is not the same as closed adoption and it certainly impacts the adoption experience. We all need to be careful about extrapolating our experiences and putting them on our kids and I think this is one case where you need to appreciate that his adoption experience is going to be fundamentally different than yours.
I hope this doesn’t sound harsh because I don’t mean it harshly at all. It just sounds like this whole thing is a lot more complicated than her saying “mommy.” Forgive me for venturing this but does his open adoption bring up any of your adoption stuff for you? Do your feelings about your own birth mom impact your feelings about her? I think it’s totally normal for our own histories to impact how we interpret our kids’ experiences (I’ve been struggling with that myself this year ‘cuz my son is the age I was when my parents divorced and it’s coloring my parenting through these tween years, let me tell you!).
I agree with the other posters that if she’s calling her SELF mommy that you need to talk to her about it though.
We adopted our grandson. He is four and has been with us since he was 5 weeks old. My daughter is dual diagnosed (bi-polar and drug addiction) the father, also addicted to drugs. She is in her second year on the wagon, with several slips. She is attending couseling for her bi-polar, but not taking her meds. Her mood swings are anywhere from gradual to extreme. I promised her he would be in her life and he would know she was his b’mother. I read we should let him inquire and keep the answers brief and honest. She has decided she is tired of waiting and threatens to tell him, herself. We are starting to have explosive phone calls, and I am feelling quilty and second guessing my approach. I don’t see overnight or unsupervised visits in the near future, but she thinks this is coming. I don’t enjoy her visits, I feel I’m on guard, she is very impulsive: however, I also read that she’s lost her child and to lose her family would be hateful. Hey, let’s just live in guilt!!!! His well being is first, I know. Tell him “what” about his parents. She has prepared her “mother and father” stories for him already. If they are such great people, how will understand why they couldn’t take care of him. ANY BOOKS anybody out there been through this same situation. I sure you have. write me.
Susan, I really encourage you to seek out a counselor who has experience in kinship adoptions who can help you manage all of this. It sounds like a very difficult situation and you deserve the support.
As to feeling guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Acknowledging her grief does NOT mean you have to assume any guilt or that you have to kowtow to her grief; it just means getting some perspective on her behavior. It also doesn’t make her behavior ok — it’s understandable that she misses her son and it’s even understandable that she might be angry with you but that doesn’t mean it’s ok for her to be “explosive” with you.
As far as telling your son, you should tell him BEFORE he asks. I would tell him NOW. I would tell him that your daughter was making unsafe choices and because keeping kids safe is a priority, you and the caseworker and the judge decided that you should be his mother. Then just answer his questions. If you need help practicing how to say this, try roleplaying with your friends/partner or again, with a counselor familiar with kinship adoption. I know it’s a hard story to tell but it’s also a hard story to live and you will be able to help your son with the living in part by helping him with the language for his story.
Also as far as them being great people (as you said) I think you can help him start thinking about her choices and her mental illness as being separate but part of her. Because he might struggle wondering if his birth mom is so bad, is he bad, too? (My daughter sometimes struggles with this in regards to someone in her birth family.) You can explain that his birth mom is NOT bad; she makes some dangerous decisions and she is responsible for those decisions.
I’m thinking of you.
Dawn, Thank you for your support. You sound very confident in your advice and that strengthens me. I will try to line up a “kinship addoption” counselor to help me gather my thoughts and approach. I will save your name in hopes of getting intouch in the future. Greatfully, Susan