My son, who is 2, was placed with us as a newborn in a closed adoption. We had wanted a fully open adoption, but his birthmom did not. Over these 2 years, we have sent letters and photos once a month. Initially these were held by the agency, but then the birthmom contacted them and asked for the letters. At 1 year, she sent us a brief letter. In the past year, we had heard nothing from her, but continued to send monthly updates.
Then, much to our surprise, she sent us some photos and her phone number! I exchanged several text messages with her and then talked on the phone with her for about 15 minutes. It was very, very, VERY exciting although also a bit awkward — she’s one of the most important people in our lives and yet we had never seen or spoken to her before. At the end of the call, she said to “call or text anytime.”
I really, really want to grow this new relationship with her, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to come on too strong but I don’t want to be too reserved. Anyone BTDT? Ideas or suggestions?
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Text a cute picture every now and then… text messages are light and fluffy and non-threatening. It always brightens up my day to get a picture and I feel like she’s sharing slice of the little one’s everyday life… Probably she’ll reply or even call to thank you for the picture and either way, you open up a dialogue.
Make sure when you talk to her that you tell her she can contact you. Even if she never does, it’s nice to hear that you can. You said that she gave you her phone number…but does she have your information?
Thanks for the ideas! Yes, I gave her my phone number and told her that she is welcome to call or text anytime — I just don’t know if she will.
I was thinking of sending her a text asking is she’d like me to send a DVD with video of our son in the next letter. She told me that she loves the letters and shares them with our son’s birthfather’s family.
I would suggest not waiting too long before calling. Otherwise, the longer it takes to make oneself call the number, the harder it gets. Pick a time, even txt if it is ok, and follow through on it.
Tell her how much she means to you! Our daughter’s birthmother originally wanted a closed adoption and it is now open. We tell both our children’s first parents that we love them all the time! Tell her how much your son means to you and how much you love him. Share little milestones–past and present. Do whatever feels right for you. Sometimes when you ask somebody else they may say you are initiating too much or too little. Do what makes you feel right in your heart–no matter what anyone else says. We always get “advice” or comments from people because our adoptions are extremely open and I have learned to trust myself and what is right for our families. How exciting for you!!!! And what a wonderful blessing! Hang on to that relationship!!! :0)
I agree with Jodi. Do what feels right to you, deep in your heart (not your head, as heads can be filled with fears and judgments).
As a first mom, contact from the adoptive parents are bitter-sweet. It brings up emotions that are incredibly hard to deal with, but are definitely worth seeing the beautiful, healthy child we made.
When society tells us girls that we “should move on with [our] lives and get over it,” we kinda hope they’re right. But it doesn’t work that way. She’s probably had enough time to realize it’s terrible not knowing about the safety and health of the baby she brought into the world, and that she’s not ever going to forget about losing her child; and so now she wants to try to have the relationship.
“It never gets easier, but we do get better at it.”
I send regular (like very two weeks or so) emails with little updates and photos, because that’s about how I often I download pics from our cameras. Once a month or so, I use Jalapenyo.com to send short videos. This gives her the chance to choose whether to watch the video or not (which I know is sometimes hard for her). Jalapenyo keeps your video card for 30 days.