So Our oldest sons birth mother contacted him over the internet last year when he was 16. She knew how to get in touch with us and we had asked for an open adoption at his birth. She chose not to and then went behind our backs 16 yrs later, We have since met, I found out she has a mental illness. I have tried to facilitate communication between the two but I am now out of the loop, he is a senior. They had their first face to face behind my back a few weeks ago, and now she is calling him daily. I am very uncomfortable with this, I want them to have a relationship and I don’t want to be in control of it, but I worry about her boundaries, and that she has shown me no consideration or respect to inform me that she is communicating with him. We are adults, he is the child in common. She tells him all the time that he is a man while I of course know that yes he is getting ready to move on but he is still a child. She gave him a nude painting of herself..do I need to say more? Help!!!!!
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Wow, that’s a tough one. My approach would be to work with your son and not his first mother. You will have much more control/influence over him (having parented him for 16 years) then you would over her (a virtual stranger).
Talk to him about her mental illness, how it makes her make bad choices, how he doesn’t have to go along with what she says, and that you are there to help him and support him.
Good luck!
Yeah…that sounds scary!!
I would support the idea that you need to talk to you son. You likely have more influence on him than his first mom.
As a first mom I would just like to say that many times first moms are scared of talking with adoptive parents.
Being a first mom is a huge blow to the self-esteem.
Many women like myself who are first moms are emotionally unhealthy *because* of the choice to place a child.
You first priority is your son, if *he* is leaving you out of the relationship going on with his first mom, you need to find out why.
Please try not to judge your son’s first mom, she is a part of your son so she really can’t be ALL bad.
Just focus on your son, he’s the only one who’s choices you need concern yourself with.
Having adopted multiple times and been blessed with open adoption and one missing mom, I have had the opportunity to experience both wonderful and mind boggling moments (like this). The mind boggling moments do pass, and the foundation you have given your son will allow him to make his own positive choices in the future. Hang in there, it does get easier~c
im having issues with my sons first mother. she has been away at school, which is a good thing for her. His birthday was oct 20 and she got leave to come down.
She called me a on his bday and never even asked to say happy bday to him. Then she said she would call me bak that week with a day and time for her to see him
every time she did call she didnt give me a definite answer. it was more of,,ill give you a call after,, or im not sure ill get back to you. My main problem now is i found out from
her mom that she was in contact with the bfather! See, his rights along with hers were terminated! I only agreed to open adoption with her 3 times a year. She isnt supposed to be givin f fatherinfo! hes dangerous..ie..gang,,drugs, prison etc. Im not sure what to do. This isnt your average adoption because he was adopted through foster care and removed for drug abuse and parental neglect. Im beginning to wonder if open adoption is right for him at this time! If she is going to continue to put us as well as him in harms way by giving ffather info im going to close this until hes of age~
@momx6, I think there’s somewhere in between full openness and full closed for you right now. I think that it’s time for you to set some clear boundaries that you both understand. You can’t control her behavior including forcing follow through — all you can do is set boundaries and act as gatekeeper. If she’s making excuses about not being able to see him, then know that this is something that she does and make up your mind how many chances you give.
As far as contact with the birthfather, is this a safety issue? Do you have concerns about him showing up at your door? Closing the adoption won’t stop this from happening if she has all the info from you already unless you move and go underground. So maybe it’s time to talk to her, set those boundaries and hold her to them. But do it from a place NOT of anger but of loving concern for your son.
the bfather has no contact..his rights were termed almost 2 years ago.i guess she just keeps in touch with him. Yes he is a safety issue. He is a full flegged gang member
and a well known drug dealer. We told her and she agreed that she would not tell him about our son. But when i spoke with her mom about her not seeing him this time around on break she said she was to caught up in talking to him (bfather). Basically next time we speak i will say..when she says shes going to see him..she has to keep to it. And if shes going to go running bak to bfather with pics and info, we will use a mediation center where it will be supervised and no pics will be taken. Not that i dont want HER to have them, i dont want Bfather to,he has to many dangerous connections.
We are in a similar situation. The birth father of our son is an extreme danger to him and his sister. We have an open adoption from foster care too. We do use a secure visit facility for him which goes as far as a full search for him on entering and leaving to ensure all is appropriate they also provide security. We monitor the visit thru 1 way windows and they are video taped. That being said the visits are very important and in my humble opinion required for your child well being. The botom line is that you must always protect YOUR child yes they are the birth parents but you are the parent. What I have told the birth parents is that I need to ensure the kids safety(both our kids have the same birthparents) and they will be treated as parents as long as they act like parents. They are required to be clean and sober whenever they have contact and they must act appropriately or by contract I have the right and will exercise the right to stop or block the visit. So far it has worked well for 2yrs birth dad’s mom said he is better behaved around us then anytime in his life. our kids are little so they don’t understand much yet but we feel laying the ground rules upfront helps the most.
sounds like you have it well under controll. my sons bmother is always on her best behavior when with me. i just wish shed continue that behavior through
the rest of her life! If my sons bmother doesnt contact me b4 christmas, the adoption is closed. its been 3 years shes had enuff time to straighten her life.
Speaking as an adopted child personally with my experience my birth mother contacted me when I was 16 as well, and I went behind my adoptive mother’s back to be around my birth mother. My reason for this was because I felt it would upset my adopted mother. Although in my situation I feel that it was handled very wrong. When my adopted mother found out about my birth mother’s visits, the bashing began. She was a drug adict and she didn’t want you and she couldn’t take care of you. This really confused me and still does to this day because there are mixed stories with this. I am 25 now and still don’t know who to believe. My advice to you is to talk with him. Let him know that you know of it if he doesn’t already know, tell him how you feel and try not to bad talk his birth mother because honestly no matter how bad she is if it wasn’t for her you would never have had the previous years with your son there wouldn’t have been a son. Talk to him and find out what it is that he wants out of the relationship. Communication is a big thing when it comes to almost everything. Set a date where the three of you or four if there is a father can talk about everything. Discuss the boundaries at that time. Your main concern would be to make sure that he is not pressured into anything. The reason I say this is because I was pressured into a lot when it came to my adoption. I haven’t talked to my adopted mother in almost two years and rarely talk to my birth mother. When I do I am often left upset. Consider his feelings and listen to him. Respect him he is in a rough state right now he is at the point in his life where he is figuring out who he is in the world, and this is only going to make things harder. Try to make it a little easier.
Another note: A nude picture of herself!!! Good luck with this one, hopefully he didn’t keep it? I think that should be some type of a crime. I know legally she isn’t his mother any more but morally that is just sick!! I am surprised he is still wanting anything to do with her at all
I empathize with your situation. When we adopted our son through a private adoption agency, they did not disclose to us that his biological mother had a criminal history and had lost custody of her other children because she had prostituted her daughter at the age of 12. At the time, we made promises of an open relationship with photos, letters, and visits. As the relationship has developed, however, it has created a great deal of stress for our family. She cancels scheduled visits, demands phone contact (which we never agreed to), and treats us like we are babysitting her son for her even though she is not his mother.
All that said, I agree with Mark’s comments above. When we make these difficult decisions in our family, we think always about our child’s perspective (not now, necessarily–he’s too young to even understand–but when he is older). I shuddered with anguish when I read Mary’s comment above, and how that must just send a dagger through her mother’s heart. As adoptive parents, we sacrifice so much and crave nothing more than being recognized as the rightful and full parents of our children. Anyone who threatens that relationship causes us tremendous pain. This is the inherent difficulty with open adoption–we sacrifice our sense of who we are as parents so that we can ensure our children’s psychological well being and understanding of who they are. It may not be PC to discuss it in those terms, but if we are frank and honest, I think most parents who have adopted children will agree that “sharing” the title of “mother” or “father” with someone was unable or unwilling to fulfill that role themselves is often a demeaning and thankless relationship. I think ingratitude and isolation from our children is probably our greatest shared fear. I would encourage you to try to listen to your son, share your concerns with him, be honest about your misgivings and your own feelings of insecurity, and just constantly let him know how much you love him and support him. Hopefully he will realize that family has more to do with the people we love and respect than it does with DNA.
@Kate,
[ I think most parents who have adopted children will agree that “sharing” the title of “mother” or “father” with someone was unable or unwilling to fulfill that role themselves is often a demeaning and thankless relationship. ]
I am a 23 year old single mother of two amazing children(considering placing them in adoption), I was raised in a very abusive situation by a single mother as well, my mother always claimed that she loved me, and that she did her best to raise me. I honestly feel resentment for her, her “best” didn’t include considering placing me in a more stable enviroment, with a family who could love me and provide for me. I recieved distorted view of life and relationships from my mother and I believe that contributed to me becoming a single parent at such a young age. I really believed that I could do a better job, and in some ways I have but REALISTICALLY I do not have the resources or support to provide my children with the type of care that I always wanted to recieve as a child. My point in replying to your comment was to let you know that I completley agree with the above mentioned comment. I was not ready to be a mother when I gave birth to my children, and I do not want them to experience anything similar to my own childhood. I do not have the mental issues that my mother has but I also do not have the means to care for my children. The title Mother is a very honorable one, even though I was never adopted and lived with my “birth-mother” until the abuse became unbearable around age 15, I still to this day feel like I had no guidance in my life.
@Christy, I’m SO glad you’re on THIS site if you are considering placing. While I think you might get some distorted views (like that all adoptive parents are afraid of their children’s birthfamilies or that all adoptive parents want to close their open adoptions, which seem to be the two basic themes), I know you can get some great support from parents who have chosen to place in the past. The other places you might want to check out are:
http://www.birthmombuds.com/
http://lilysea.blogs.com/peterscrossstation/2008/02/pregnant-consid.html
I know you wrote this a month ago….how are things going? Have you made a decision? Have you found an agency or attorney to work with? Or decided to continue to parent?
Best! Calix
“As adoptive parents, we sacrifice so much and crave nothing more than being recognized as the rightful and full parents of our children.”
I think that parenting, in general, demands sacrifices.
“I think most parents who have adopted children will agree that “sharing” the title of “mother” or “father” with someone was unable or unwilling to fulfill that role themselves is often a demeaning and thankless relationship.”
It sounds like you and the OP have certainly encountered challenges and difficulties in your open adoptions. As a parent to a biological child and a parent to a child who joined our family in an open adoption, however, I have to disagree with the above statement. I have no difficulty is sharing the title of mother. My child HAS two mothers and we have both played an important role in his life. Just as I can have two children and love them both, I fully believe that my child can have two mothers and love them both and this does not diminish my role in any way. I also do not find anything about our relationship with our child’s first mother to be “demeaning” or “thankless.” For one, I don’t think the first mom owes me any thanks. I am grateful that she has chosen to continue to be in our lives and I she is and will always be a part of our family.
I have just had the most amazing year. You see, we have two teenage sons. Both came to us through open adoptions. My 15 year olds b-mom was active in our lives until he was around 3, then her life took her to another state. My 13 year olds b-mother did not choose to be involved with our family after placement. Over the past year, both of these lovely women have come back into our lives. I cannot tell you the amount of love I feel for them. They complete my sons in such a beautiful way. My husband and I do not feel any threat from the relationships that are developing. I am fully their mother (and I have never thought it a “thankless job” as someone mentioned in a previous thread). Their b-mothers are also their mothers. What I have encountered with these women is that they are respectful, considerate and loving with regards to our family. My boys have gained so much in knowing them. Are they perfect…no, but neither are we. Their lives have been filled with the bumps life loves to throw at people. But they are so important to the lives and well being of my boys. Their life choices would not be my life choices…but that doesn’t matter, they are a part of my boys, and therefore, they are a part of me. If you are reading this wondering if open adoptions can work, if this way is even an option, it is my wish that this little sliver of our story can give you a starting place founded in hope. It has been 15 years, and I wouldn’t change a thing.