I have a little boy 17 months old and I also just gave four days ago to a beautiful baby boy who I have
given up for adoption to a wonderful family and the adoption is open and we are like family now as well. We talk everyday and though we are out of the hospital I went for our first visit today and it was ok. I’m having a hard time with moving on. I know everyone says that but I don’t want to go see a counselor, I am so sick of people saying it will be ok when they don’t know. It’s as if part of me had died. I know I am so very lucky that I have two healthy beautiful children and that I chose such an amazing family. I did what was best for him and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect match. But there is still that hurt. I made someone’s dream come true and I gave them the ultimate gift but I’m having a really hard time. I’m currently going to college online and I take care of my little boy but I could use some…advice or encouragement or something. I know it’s a great thing I did but that doesn’t make it easy. I have a little boy that needs me and I just feel like crawling in bed forever. I know it’s still new and it will get easier but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In about a week and a half the family will be taking him home to another country and I know that will be the
ultimate hurt. I will only see him if they ever visit the states or if I ever visit them. She’s very open and loves me as much as I love her and says my son has two mommies and she’s open to as much contact as I want which is amazing I know but, I still have this hurt. I don’t know how, but can you offer anything? Any places to go like chatrooms or books to read or some hobby I should take up, should I run out and try to get a job right away? I’m open to your suggestions and I’m hoping I don’t need any medication. LOL.
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Find a birthmom support group. Ask you agency or attorney if they can suggest one. You can also search for birthmom blogs that might be able to help you.
But seek help or at least someone to talk to especially with him leaving the country.
Try ‘Birthmom buds’
It’s a forum site just for birthmoms, you can truely come there for support.
You can find support groups through pregnancy care centres.
Peer support is different than counselling, I found that my feelings were understood and I was never told that everything would just ‘be ok’ because other birthmoms know how it feels and are willing to just be there with you and listen.
I hope you know that you are an amazing and brave woman. You are doing the right thing by talking to other people and I pray that you find some relief through your search. It takes a VERY special and very strong woman to make the brave decision you did. My 16 year old daughter birthed a beautiful baby boy Oct. 6, 09 (just a short couple days ago) and we had both made the decision to place the baby months ago. I never imagined the pain that would follow our decision. We are grieving and the pain in so intense I cannot stop crying. We placed the baby with a family member but I can’t stop asking myself if we made the right decision. I don’t know if I could bear this pain forever, I only hope it gets better with time. A social worker highly recommended a book called “Praying our Goodbyes”. I have not read the book but plan on reading it very soon. My heart goes out to you and even though it was my daughter who placed the baby I am in devastating pain and do know what you are going through. I’m searching for support groups as well for the both of us. I wish you and your son all the best. And I pray you never forget how amazing you are. God Bless!
Honestly? Unless it was absolutely necessary for your to relinquish your baby for adoption, my recommendation is to revoke your consent to adoption/termination of rights if that is still legally possible.
If that’s not possible (either because you truly can’t parent or because your rights are already permanently gone), then yes, join some online forums, seek out any face-to-face support groups you can find, and get to know other natural moms on this site.
The intensity of the pain does fade over time (or… at least it’s not this intense ALL the time, like it is now)–but the pain never does go completely away, and the ramifications and consequences of losing a child to adoption just continue and in some ways multiply.
I am eight years out of relinquishment. We have an open adoption, my daughter is healthy and with fabulous parents, I have healed a LOT, I love my life–happily married, raising another child, fulfulling job, hobbies that make me happy–and relinquishment is still not something I would ever recommend to another woman unless she truly, really could NOT parent.
@Nicole, Good advice.
The worst part of this situation is knowing that as bad as you feel missing your child, your baby is going through the same intense emotions, he just can’t tell anyone. Even the best of adoptive parents often do not understand that, I didn’t. Until my child was old enough to verbalize her pain to me, I was clueless, and she was suffering. Unfortunatly, year later, she still spends a lot of time acting out her anger and sadness, and that makes it extremely difficult for us to have the good, loving relationship I would like with her. Now, looking back, I would never advise a mother to place her child, unless she truly has no other options, and has really considered the impact of adoption on herself, her child, and yes even the adoptive parents (and I mean post-placement, not if you decide not to place!) The might be wonderful people, but they may never able to bond with your grieving child enough to give them that life that you somehow think you can’t provide now.
Oh sweetheart, I know that pain very well. It doesn’t ever hurt any less, it just starts to hurt less often. Talk about your baby as much as you can. Show pictures of the baby to your son that you have at home. They have lost someone too, and here is your opportunity to show your family how to grieve together. It’s good to come up with a couple of little catch-phrases that you and your boy can say to each other, like “Oh I love that baby… and I miss her SO MUCH!” And start with hugging tight on the “SO MUCH,” but little by little, get to tickling on the “SO MUCH” so you’ll end the game of the love phrase with laughter. Don’t ignore the pain, it’s there for a reason, to go and protect your baby from those who have stolen her (him?), but you’re overriding nature’s failsafes, so it’s going to take some time and some muscle. And some more time. My birth daughter just turned 18, but that first night home from the hospital is just a short reach away in my memory. Insist on seeing your child as much as you can while you can. You’ll not regret that, as well as getting as many pictures as humanly possible of everyone in the equation. We are in the digital age, Skype is never going to replace human contact but it can help humans connect. And there is nothing wrong with a little pain medication while you begin a healing process like no other. In moderation and well-managed, it can help a lot of the wanting to crawl into bed forever, and that buzzing sensation in your head. It’s going to be OK.
Oh my, my heart goes out to you so, so much.
And what Jen said sounds perfect. What wisdom there is in that post.
I’ll be thinking of you and your 2 beautiful children, and sending love. With love and support, you will make it through.
I totally understand.Though I didnt have another child at the time I gave my son up it still hurt. I read the book that the agency sent me about the different levels of grief. It all happens at different times and in different ways. No one can tell you how to react. That is your child and flesh and blood. If it didnt hurt I think there would be more concern. I never wanted to hear anyone elses experiences. I was alot like you and refused the counselors. I did take ativan for awhile because it would help with the initial wanting to cry all the time. One day you will wake up and it will be better. I assure you. It doesnt go away and somedays its worse than others. Its been 6 years and our papers were final about this time 6 years ago. Holidays his birthday, mothers day and things are hard. I dont realize it sometimes until Im already being a major &itch to people. Then I realize it. Goodluck and medication isnt always bad. As long as it helps…