I am an adoptive mom of a 21 month old girl. We have a semiopen adoption. We are in the process of adopting a second child. With our first adoption we were able to meet the birthparents and ask questions that we felt maggie would want to know about, but it was hard and we were not sure what questions the birthparents would find uncomfortable. We are better now, but are also looking to see what other people might ask. Thanks for your help.
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Answering with my adoptee hat on!
These are questions I would have liked to have answers to when I was growing up.
1) the biggie: “Why?” Why did you place me for adoption? What led to the decision?
2) what are your interests? Music, art, sports, signing, playing an instrument
3) what things were you good at in school? what was your worst subjects? favorite?
4) do have pets? Are you a cat person or a dog person?
5) favorite foods, dislikes
6) quirky things about you that may be genetic: can you wiggle your ears, is one toe bigger then the other, do you sneeze through your mouth?
7) medical things that might get missed on standard questionnaires: how old were you when you got your first period (if adopting a girl), is there baldness in the family, what age does menopause hit in your family, were you a “late bloomer”, what age did you have your biggest growth spurt?
I hope these help! I know they sound all very personal, but to an adoptee, EVERY shred of info that helps you feel connected to your first family is important.
@echaos5, wow, Andy, this is such an awesome list!
@echaos5,
Andy – I remember awkwardly telling Dee (post-placement) that I was an uber late bloomer, haha! I mean, Cupcake was probably a year and a half at the time – but I remember Dee saying how beautiful she is and how she can tell Cupcake is going to have my long legs, etc. I said something like, “Well, can you remind her how much she likes those things when she doesn’t get boobs until she’s 19???”
But yes, great questions overall!!
Oh, Andy, these are brilliant questions that I didn’t have the foresight to consider way back when. Thanks so much for this.
I would also ask (and did) for her to tell how she envisions the adoption going over the years. How much openness? What kind of contact? What is her ideal scenario?
Just to see if you’re on the same page, or if you could be.
I think that the questioning shouldn’t be the sole responsiblity of a pre-adoptive parent.
When I placed my son, both the first father and I filled out a 50+ questions questionare.
They told us to do this before we were even allowed to see profiles of pre-adoptive parents!!
It covered at least three times as much as Andy’s questions, which are very very good BTW.
I don’t really know if my son’s adoptive parents got a copy of it though…the agency might still have the orginal, if they wanted to know things.
I really actually doubt that they do.
Some of the facts are kind of embrassing to be honest.
The fact that I have a history of depression and ADD and that my son’s first father and I both came from disfunctional families is kind of something I don’t want my son to think about(at least until he’s much older and can handle that).
Yes, many questions are too hard for a placing expectant mom to answer because most are afraid you might reject them if they tell you something too strange.
I know I was nervous that my son’s adoptive parents might get a bad impression of me.
Especially if it is Open Adoption, the first mom wants you to like her enough to *want* to keep her involved.
Finding a comfort zone in getting to know each other is very tricky…