My sister was adopted before I was born – so I have always known her as my sister. My parents were always honest about the fact she was adopted. We grew up happy together and have a lot of wonderful memories. When I was 33 I moved countries and she never forgave me for leaving. We still talk occasionally – but she never contacts me. She is now 38 and our mom told me she is searching for her birth mom. I didn’t think I would feel upset as I have always wanted to support her if she did that. She hasn’t told me about the fact she is looking. I am so scared that when she finds her birth mom she won’t want me as a sister anymore. I don’t want to say anything to her as I don’t want to hurt her and I just want to support her because I love her so much. I just feel upset and I didn’t think I would. Has anyone else felt like this?
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I don’t have much experience with this, but my sister was placed into foster care when she was 14 and I was 8, I didn’t see her again until I was 22. My family was extremely upset that I saught her out, they do not want anything to do with her and did not understand the reasons why I did. It was hard not finding the support from them, but I didn’t expect it. I can understand how you may be hurt that she didn’t tell you, but I think you should put that aside and support her. If you don’t support her then you may lose her because she’ll be upset that you weren’t in her corner. She may just be dealing with a lot of emotions right now and didn’t want to say anything until she actually located her birth mother and knew they would have contact. Some birth mothers don’t want to hear from the kids they gave up decades ago just because adoption was shameful and secretive back then. I would just try to set aside my personal feelings and be there for my sister.
This is her search and for many people, it’s private. I didn’t share my search details with members of my adoptive family, not even my sister who was adopted after I was. Maybe reading ‘Journey of the Adopted Self’ by Betty Jean Lifton may help you to understand. If you google it, you can buy it very inexpensively at Amazon or read sections online at Google Books
Could you say something to her like, “Mom shared with me that you are searching for your birth family. I just wanted to let you know that if or when you want to talk about it – good, bad, or ugly – I would welcome that. You have my full support and I love you.”
Best wishes to you and your family. I hope all goes well for everyone involved!