I was wondering how you deal with boundaries and respect in your doption? I am a birth mother, just two months into the adoption. While I was pregnant and going through the adoption process I was treated pretty nicely, everyone bent over backwards to make me happy. Now that it’s done, I’ve experienced a fall from grace. I don’t think anybody lied to me and I don’t feel coerced or anything, it’s just a little difficult to settle into the new role. I know relationships take time and work and don’t happen overnight.
That said, there are two issues I’m having. One is the adoptive parent’s address. We are supposed to have an open adoption. I have given then my address but they have not given me theirs. I don’t ask for it, I simply hint and hope that they will give it to me. I don’t ask because 1) I want it to be because they want to not because I asked and 2) I’m not sure how I’d handle it if they said no. I’m supposed to get yearly visits so eventually I’ll have it, but I just hate sending stuff through the agency. I wonder if they open it and read my letters. I also hate how slow it is, I want to send presents and letters TO HER. NOW. Oh and know she got them (tracking number or something). I feel like they don’t trust me with their address. I trusted them with my baby and I’m not good enough for their address?
The 2nd issue is pictures. I asked if they would mind if I posted a couple pictures they sent of our daughter on my private facebook page. I promised I would not use any photos that had anyone else in them. I was told no I could not post her pictures. I asked permission because I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone placing pictures of my other daughter on the internet without permission. I never imagined they would say no, after all she’s my daughter too! I may not be her mother but I am still her birth mother and I love her. I have pictures of her up already, the ones I took from the hospital (and I feel those are my property they were taken while she was mine before I signed and I will not take those down). They did say they asked all their family members and friends not to post her pictures on the internet so they are not just singling me out. I am very hurt and saddened, this isn’t turning out the way I thought it would. I don’t know if I should say anything or just let it go and pretend it doesn’t bother me, risking the chance that I blow up later. What do you think about it?
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My heart really goes out to you. It is still so early in this process and I am sure the adoptive parents are afraid. If your agreement is to go through the agency, you will need to respect the process for now and hopefully trust will build as things stabilize and your relationship can become more open. Hopefully as the adoptive parents become more confident, they will freely give their address and have an open heart and home to you. Do you have any kind of mediator in the agency?
As far as the pictures on facebook….I would not make it an issue. You have every right to post the pictures of you baby before she was placed with the adoptive family but just respect their feelings about their pictures. Some people feel like facebook is such an invasion of privacy in general and I can understand why they would not want their current pictures placed on your facebook.
I am a birth grandmother…daughter the birth mom in an open adoption and I know my daughter would not post pictures of her birth daughter on facebook out of respect for the adoptive family. We are new at this also.
How old are you? Is your extended family (your mother or father) involved at all?
I know that we are very careful at this point to respect the boundaries that have been set and we are finding that the adoptive family is becomming more open all of the time as the trust builds.
Maybe you could write a letter regarding the gifts and see if you can come up with a solution on how the gifts could reach your birth daughter quicker.
Hang in there and God bless.
There’s so much that I feel like I am missing. So many questions that I don’t know how to ask about you.
I am a first mom in an open adoption. While it is not as open as I hoped at first, it is still open.
When I read your post I felt very glad and lucky that getting the adoptive parents address was never an issue.
Before I had even choosen them, the homestudy(that I still have)had their address, as well as phone #’s and emails and workplaces even!!
All the homestudies I read from the agency I placed with did.
I think it was because the first father and I already had been in councelling with them for four months before we saw any homestudies and by that time, they knew we were completely trustworthy, but I am not sure.
In fact, I used to send presents by mail for almost every month of almost the first whole year of my son’s life!!
I would have kept it up but they told me to stop with the random gift sending, I guess it overwhelmed them a little.
That’s the only reason I can think of for them saying ‘no’ to your requests, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s that they probably are not even really listening to your quiries.
I feel like, through what you are saying about them is that they are responding by saying ‘whatever you want, the answer is no’ because not just you but EVERYONE is asking them to do this or that or the other thing.
I would give them some time, taking care of a baby is the hardest the first six months or so, then most parents fall into a routine. Until then, they are running on four hours of sleep(or less)forgetting their own needs and trying to focus all their energy on the new baby.
The more the baby grows the more they will think of you(hopefully) and have the sanity to answer you. Right now they are probably just trying to figure out how to be parents and maybe they’re are afraid that you might be disappointed in them???
Open adoption doesn’t always work out the way you hope it will.
I know my son’s adoption didn’t, I want more visits, they want less.
I want to send more presents, they want me to send less(not none though..)
Give it time M’dear, and take care of yourself, K?
Both these ladies have given you great advice. I’m an adoptive mom in an open adoption.
I think giving it just a couple of months and then writing a letter explaining that you’d like to cut out the middle man (agency) to get things to them quicker would be a good way to handle the address. I don’t want to add additional worries but they may not be planning on having you to their house for your visit so they may think they don’t need to ever give you their address. Some adoptive parents are just really scared especially the first 6 months or so. They’ll come around though.
Can you talk to your contact at the agency? Explain your desire to have their address to them and see what they say.
Hope it all works our and you all figure it out together.
I’m three and a half months or so into an open adoption… I don’t know the APs address, either, but I’m not worried about it. Everything else about their behavior has said that they’re serious about wanting me around, so the address isn’t a big deal. We’ve also had several visits, none of which (obviously) have been at their house.
There have, however, been other bits of information I felt I had a reason to have access to at various points along the way which they hadn’t volunteered and for which I didn’t feel comfortable asking. On several occasions, I mentioned something like that to our social worker and she’d (with permission) bring it up to them without naming me as the source. Pretty much every time they just hadn’t thought about it and volunteered it in the next e-mail/text/call/visit. If you’re still in contact with your social worker, that might be an option. But, like Deborah said, if your agreement was originally to send things through the agency, then you should respect that.
Good luck
I’m a mom in an open adoption. If I hadn’t journaled about my son’s first few months, I wouldn’t remember them. My husband and I were both exhausted, totally centered on the baby, all about spending time with him and doing laundry. Thank you notes were delayed by months. My own mother was upset because I wasn’t calling her enough.
I would write a letter to the adoptive parents asking if it’s OK to cut out the agency. Explain that you don’t want the agency reading your letters, even by accident. Have an impartial friend read a draft of the letter first, to make sure it conveys the information and sentiments you want to convey. I think that by not asking for the address, you’re playing the mind reading game, frankly. They can’t know what you want unless you ask or tell them. Especially right now, as they’re likely part zombie. They may also be getting advice from their agency to keep the agency as the middle man.
My son’s birth mom has a MySpace page, though it hasn’t been updated in almost a year. She mentions that she has three children, and there are pics of the two she’s parenting. If she had posted a pic of my son, I would have been very upset. And if she had asked permission, I would have said no. I’m not comfortable with pictures of my child out on the Internet where anyone can see them. I don’t even post them. I choose a few pics and put them on our family’s web site, but the rest go in a password protected online album. Why? There have been many instances of photos being used inappropriately. A friend of mine found out that someone had been using a picture of her daughter to solicit funds – the person was saying that the child in question was in Haiti or something and asking for donations to an adoption fund. Cloth diapering communities have had issues where child pornographers were appropriating their pics.
I hope you’re able to find a counselor or someone to talk to, as I’m sure that this time has to be incredibly difficult for you as well.
Good luck!
I am an adoptive mom..and I have to say that in the beginning…I had a LOT of insecurities because adoption, much less an open adoption was new, unchartered territory for us. Like others have mentioned, just give them some time to get to know you better and build some trust in you.
FYI…we have never met either of the birthfamilies at our home. Of course, now that is because we live in another state. But, when I plan our visits…I plan to meet them at a scenic state park, or a zoo, or an aquarium. Some place that is fun and can be enjoyed by all of us. I noticed that when we started picking these types of places for the visit…everyone kind of loosened up and we all became more comfortable with one another. This is also a great way for us to build happy memories for our daughter.
So maybe bring that suggestion up to the adoptive parents. Maybe by getting them out of the setting of the adoption agency and meeting somewhere “fun” might make things more comfortable and easy for everyone…so you can work on your relationship with them. This sure has worked for us!
Good luck!
Two months in–there is a strong possibility that they are exhausted and overwhelmed with little stuff like laundry, feeding themselves, showering…Ok, I’m projecting, but that was me–and aren’t at all catching your hints!
My first thought is to be explicit in your request.
If they say they’d rather not (which would surprise me but what do I know) you can know that they probably read that in some dumb book or something and it’s not about you AT ALL.
As a mother of a child my husband and I adopted through open adoption, I would like to offer a point of view that might be in line with the adoptive parents in your situation.
Our son is 20 months old, and his biological mother has very impatiently and insistently requested our phone number, repeatedly. We have politely declined, and tried to explain to her that it is nothing personal, but we don’t want phone contact.
Our reason, as hard as it may be for a biological mother to understand, is that as his parents, we need to be able to fully bond with him and feel that our psychological role of parents is sacred. If he’s having a bad day, for example, having temper tantrums or not sleeping well, it would be easy to feel like a failure as a parent. Those days are tough on any parent, whether your child is biologically connected to you or not, but when you are an adoptive mother, it’s easy to blame yourself and say, “Maybe he wouldn’t be behaving like this if we shared a deeper connection.” That is absolutely the worst feeling–a feeling of failure–and that is the absolute WORST time to get an unexpected email or phone call from your child’s biological mother, especially when your own insecurities in the middle of the night sometimes leave you wondering if you are a “real mother.” Although it is certainly not the biological mother’s intention, it can seem like a terrible threat to the fragile and essential family bond.
I would guess that it’s not that they don’t care about you or your feelings, but they need you to honor your arrangement through the agency so that they can choose when they read your letters, and hopefully choose a time when they are happy and receptive to having another person in their child’s life. An unexpected phone call or email or letter or package on a difficult day can lead to a sense of invasion of privacy. Using the agency to facilitate your relationship will only help put a buffer between those very raw emotions that both you and they still feel over the adoption. As hard as it is for a biological parent to be separated from a child, it’s too often unspoken the pain an adoptive parent feels over not having given birth to her own child. If they are craving privacy, it is probably so that they can focus on building a bond as parent and child, a very precious, fragile bond that is the most important bond your child will have in life. Chances are you chose adoption so that your baby could have that bond with a family–but that bond takes time and privacy to grow, especially in the early months.
As for facebook–I absolutely hope you respect their request, not just for their sake but for yours. If you don’t respect their parenting choices regarding the internet they may decide just to cut you out entirely, and everyone would lose. It’s not unreasonable for them not to want their child’s picture on the internet–lots of parents don’t want that, and it has nothing to do with adoption.
Please try to empathize with the parents–it is very hard to be willing to share the title of “mother” with anyone when you alone are responsible for raising a child.
Good luck. If you give them space and patience and understanding as they learn to be parents, they will likely respond with receptivity and respect. If you push for more openness than they are psychologically able to provide, they may just decide the open relationship is too hard to maintain. I wish you luck!
Kate,
I must disrespectfully disagree with you on one thing: if you agree to an open adoption, you agree to an open adoption
from the day you adopt that child, not when you decide that you want an open adoption.
I think that’s part of the reason so many “open” adoptions fall through the cracks; some adoptive parents might feel like
they get to decide when it time for the adoption to be open. And let’s face it, after months (or even years)
Of not having to be completely open, it must be incredibly tempting to just keep with the status quo instead of forging a
relationship with the childs first mom- which has been left to deteriorate until adoptive parents are “ready” instead of
Being nurtured from the instant they were entrusted with the child (apologies for the run-on thought).
Just as it isn’t the adoptive parents to facilitate healing for the first parents, it likewise isn’t the first parents job
To be invisible until the adoptive parents are psychologically able to “handle” said “open” adoption.
That being said, original poster, I believe it is very important to respect the adoptive parents wishes about pics online.
Also, as long as you do so in a open, mature way, I think a letter expressing your wishes to cut out the middle man
Would be a good idea.
Many people have many definitions of “open adoption”. Some think that it means pics a couple times a year; others know
That it actually entails continuous relationship building for the well-being of the child involved.
Were you given a clear picture of where THEY stood on what “open” meant?
I know I wasn’t, and it threw me for a huge loop once we actually discussed what having an “open door” meant to them.
Good luck to you in this. I know it is hard.
Omg kate, I meant respectfully disagree. My bad.
I have to respond to this:
*Our reason, as hard as it may be for a biological mother to understand, is that as his parents, we need to be able to fully bond with him and feel that our psychological role of parents is sacred. If he’s having a bad day, for example, having temper tantrums or not sleeping well, it would be easy to feel like a failure as a parent. *
…. Kate, I want you to shout at the top of your lungs as many times as you can before you completely lose your voice
IT’S NOT ABOUT ME!
because it is not about you. It is about your child. Your childs needs. As much as I respectfully admire your admission of guilt, I think you need to change your attitude. You do this for your child because its in their best interest, not because it’s in yours.
*That is absolutely the worst feeling–a feeling of failure–and that is the absolute WORST time to get an unexpected email or phone call from your child’s biological mother, especially when your own insecurities in the middle of the night sometimes leave you wondering if you are a “real mother.” Although it is certainly not the biological mother’s intention, it can seem like a terrible threat to the fragile and essential family bond*.
what I have to say to this
To tell you the truth, a first parent can often make the bond of an adoptive parent stronger with the child because she/he can boost your confidence because they believe you are the best parent for their child. And they will always be family, if you ignore or avoid an email or phone call, you are breaking that ‘fragile thread’ of family bond that your child needs.
I totally agree about everything being about the child! I thought I had an open adoption, but it turned out to be not so open. I was actually okay with that b/c I still was in an unstable place in my life until I got married and had the children that I am raising now. I got/still get one letter a year and a couple pictures. I thought..or made myself think that this was best. I wanted so bad to do what was right for everyone involved, and I certainly didn’t want to cause confusion. I wanted my birth daughter to have stability and security. I still do! My other 2 daughters are 7 and 6 , my birth daughter is now 14. My 7 and 6 year old have always known about their half sister. I have pictures up in the house. We all love her very much.
Something incredible happened last Friday. I opened my email and there was a message from my Facebook inbox that read: Hey, It’s M*****, your daughter.
OMG! I was so shocked! Happy, Confused, Excited…It all seemed…seems surreal. The first thing I asked her is if her mom knew. She does not. Being a parent…not just a birthparent…i absolutely believe her mother HAS to know! I honestly did not think the reunion would happen so soon. But it is almost 2010…technology is well and good in our lives…so 14 must be the new 18?? Wow.
My birth daughter said she’s been trying to find me for a long time. I’m so sad she has had to do this in secret b/c her adoptive mom surely knows how to contact me through the Adoption Service. I absolutely want to do what’s best for her, but I feel like calling the AS would be not good. She should not get in trouble for trying to find me!
I could really REALLY use some insight. I let my birth daughter know how much she is loved. how her mom loves her and how happy i was that she found me. I also told her that if she needed or wanted my help talking to her mom that i am here. wow.
Kind Regards
~K.
Maybe our situation is a bit different and that leads to a different take on the issue of open adoption. We’re in the process of adopting from the Dept. of Family and Child Services (DFCS). This agency also encourages open adoptions…I guess it’s an industry norm. Anyway, it seems to me that if a state agency went to court to terminate parental rights then the birth parents were probably not individuals that I would trust. When I think of the trauma, abuse, or neglect that these children have endured, I’m not so sure about the psychological benefits of open adoption. Perhaps there should be a continuum of openness. I mean that in our situation, a birth parent might not be a safe adult for a child to interact with. Perhaps updates via pictures and visits at our local DFCS office would be the right thing to do in this situation. It’s not about my comfort, but the child’s safety. How can a truly open adoption work for us? However, if the birth mother voluntary chooses adoption for the benefit of the child we would be totally accepting of open adoption.
@LH, I would encourage you to look at the archives that deal with these kinds of issues. Many adoptive parents do maintain some level of openness with children adopted from DFCS although it certainly depends on the situation and what works for each particular child. And yes, it may be someplace else on the continuum. One challenge for many foster-to-adopt parents is figuring out how to maintain relationships with siblings who are still being parented or who were placed with another family. It might be helpful for you to start reading about families who have managed to work out some kind of openness arrangement so you can start thinking on what situations you might be confronted with.
I remember being totally consumed with weariness and everything was a blurr for the first 6-9 months. We had visits with birthmom every week for first month, then every month for two months and then every other month since then. She does not have our address, we visit at her parents home, her home or other locations. There is a risk and safety factor with birth fathers that plays a role in her knowing where we live. She doesn’t quite get this but that’s okay. She wanted more visits but to tell you the truth, having so many visits when you are trying to adjust to parenting was very stressfull and I’m not sure in whose best interests it really was. Hers or our daughters. I think it was good we got to see her so often to build a relationship but it would have been nice to not have that pressure for a bit. We are quite open and now have adopted her second child and are going through the process to adopt the third baby. We have visits every other month, ususally about 3 hours or so. Sometimes we visit in between and sometimes not. I would be patient as it will take the parents some time to adjust to being parents and to adjust to their role and what your role is. Being too pushy and focused on their address is most likely a turn off for them. In our case, we know her address because we visit there but she doesn’t not know enough boundaries to not show up at our house unannounced if we were to give the address. As well, what if she told the birth fathers where we lived. One is in a gang, the other is into lots of drugs. We would be putting our children at risk. The same goes for pictures on Facebook. She wants to show off her kids to her friends (in her own words) however, she isn’t really friends with everyone on her facebook and we are not comfortable knowing that the birth fathers would be able to know what the kids and possibly us looked like currently.
Be patient and follow the rules and be open about your wishes a bit later, after the newness of being a parent, has settled down and they have had a chance to see that you are following and respecting the agreement. You choose them for a reason, give them the benefit of your choice and see what happens.
I would suggest just giving it time and being patient. Which I know isn’t easy. I really struggled in the first year of my first adoption. My sons birthmother was emailing me every week and I just couildn’t feel like my son’s mother when his ‘mother’ was still there with him. I needed some time on my own with him. I felt so much guilt and grief for his birthmom, that she wasn’t able to parent, and it left me feeling like the rich woman who swooped in and stole her baby. It also was hard to share, which I realize birthfamilies know all to well. I don’t think birthfamilies understand how long it takes to finalize an adoption and some of the issues that adoptive parents need to get used to. I have never one ever been introduced as my children’s mother, it has always been noted that my kids are adopted. All I ever wanted in life was to have a ‘normal’ family and I need some time to be with just my son & my husband, for just a little bit of time to be as ‘normal’ as we ever could be. I always sent the updates that we agreed on, but I couldn’t handle the contact from her. We got through the first year and then let her know we needed some time. We kept in touch with her but she didn’t respond. It didn’t take long before things fell into place and I was able to feel like his ‘mommy’ and now I have no issue with the contact at all. I think one a child grows big enough to SAY ‘mommy’ & ‘daddy’ and to crawl over and give them a hug – it washes away a lot of the fears/issues/etc..