Once again…I need some suggestions from others with more experience than myself…in regard to the bf’s mother. As I had previously posted, we have been having considerable “challenges” with the bf’s mother….everything from threats to guilt-trips to seething letters…and then she’ll act like nothing bad has ever transpired between us. (I suspect that she MIGHT be manic-depressive.) Anyway…just got a response from my request that they limit their gifts. She agreed and thanked me for explaining it to her. But, she wants to start e-mailing me regularly and wants me to give updates to her as well as her son. I hesitate because she will take things we say, such as, “we are planning a summer vacation”, and twist it into “we are coming to see you for summer vacation”. When we don’t do what she dreams up or twists around…we get a hateful letter from her about how we got her hopes up and disappointed her once again. Because of this…we had previously told the bf that all communication will go through him (all updates, pictures, everything.) I am conflicted because I do not want to create tension or anxiety between us (at least, any more than already exists), but I really truly believe that more contact with her will create more problems and more “misunderstandings”. Help!!!
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Once again, we teach people how to treat us!
Like I suggested last time, be very firm in what you have to say the bgma. Also, I would mention how you aren’t comfortable having more contact because: you really truly believe that more contact with her will create more problems and more “misunderstandings”. When you say this bring-up examples of her behavior.
If she starts guilt tripping you or being nasty, “remind” her that you are the parent and this is what both you and hubby have decided what’s best for YOUR family. End of subject! Again, if she is still being nasty, suggest that communication/contact be pushed back until further notice….she’ll get the message. Remember, don’t feel guilty because what you are doing is laying the foundation for a healthy relation for all involved!
I commend you and some other aparents who are in some challenging OA’s. Some over the stories I have read on this board and others is way more then what I would have put-up with.
Best of luck!
Atimmons
My first response reading your post would be to just keep it simple when you send pics and updates. Let them just be updates about what your child is doing with pictures. No need to tell her you’re going on vacation. You can tell her when you return with pictures if you want. As the relationship grows if you see she is handling all that well then you can be more detailed and share details to see how she’s going to respond.
But to answer your title question you don’t have to send anything to anyone.
Debbie…just to give you an idea…we’ve been into this relationship for almost 4 years. We send periodic updates to the bf, who forwards it on to his parents. That was our arrangement. The statement about a summer vacation happened during conversation at one of our visits. I think my husband has said it…I have no idea what or why he would have been talking about it to the bgrandma. Anyway…he didn’t even remember it until we got the nasty letter from the bgrandma about not visiting them that summer. That was just one example of the many times she has misinterpreted and/or created these mistruths from things we allegedly said.
Hey debbie, I don’t know your whole story but I myself am a birthmom, I would agree on the whole of this with the rest of the ladies on here that have replied thus far, don’t be afraid to step on this ladys feelings. My bd gma also had to be cut off… on my ex’s side. We are not sorry. Do you have a solid agreement with the bf? If so, what you do with YOUR child is none of her business and if she’s causing you that much greif, I agree, cut her off completely. I too was once told, I am the birthmom, but her adopted mom is her MOTHER. period. …and if you don’t have a solid agreement with the bf then even more what you do needs no explaination. Keep your updates with extended family specifically about the child and nothing else. Best of Luck!
IMHO – if you’re updating the first parents, let it be their job to update the extended family. I think from what I’ve read that the first father’s mother has crossed a line. I’d personally send a last email to grandma and explain that due to prior behavior, contact will continue to go through her son. If in the future, she shows that she respects you as parents, you can always reconsider then.
This is coming from someone who regularly tells my own mother that if she can’t show respect for my parenting choices, she won’t have contact with her granddaughter. And I hold her to it. I don’t think anyone (not grand parents or first parents or anyone) should get to actively ignore and disrespect a parent’s rules/requests for their child. For me, I’m the final authority on the child I’m parenting…and no one gets to second guess me. My mom can be unpredictable and downright mean sometimes. To the point where I don’t like to let my daughter alone with mom as the only adult. And I tell my daughters’ parents that they probably don’t want to be in direct contact with my mother…but if they do, please don’t hold what she does against me.