We have decided to call our 9 month old daughter’s fm by her first name and begin explaining adoption as “you came out of Nicole’s tummy” but how does your fm’s refer to the child? So far Nicole has been calling her “her daughter” which yes she is biologically, but we are not comfortable with that title being used because we feel it will confuse our little one as she grows and begins to undersand adoption. For example, birthday cards that say to my daughter… I am just not sure how others approach this. Our fm is only 17 and has a hard time with boundries in many aspects of her life and she still calls herself Laura’s Mommy on myspace–will there eventually be some understanding that she is not “mommy”? Has anyone else’s child been confused by this??
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- My son calls us both mommy. Am I doing right by him?
I’m a parent who adopted and I’m sorry to disagree but she is her mother and your daughter is her daughter. Those are facts. You too are her mother and she your daughter but adoption is about sharing those titles.
I know it is scary but our child won’t be confused if you address it openly and honestly.
If something on a social network bothers you, don’t look.
Madison’s first mom uses “my daughter” because Madison IS her daughter and Madison (now 5) is not at all confused by this. I think it would be more confusing if we tried explaining it without using the word “daughter.”
Now, I remember that first year when I saw Madison’s pic up on Pennie’s myspace and knew that she was hanging Maddie’s picture in her cubicle at work and I remember being kind of … taken aback, I guess. Because it’s one thing to theorize open adoption and it’s another thing to really confront it in that way. It was very stark to me, this realization that Pennie had a claim to Madison that I’d kind of taken for granted would be mine. Obviously it wasn’t just the myspace pics that bothered me, it was this re-realization that Madison had two mommies (or mothers or mamas or whatever you call us) and that we could say “birth mom” and “adoptive mom” but facts are facts — there are two of us. And even though Madison is unequivocally my daughter, she is also unequivocally Pennie’s daughter, too. During that first year I had to face that a lot more than I expected so I get your reaction.
But I promise you, Madison is NOT confused. She is not at all confused when Pennie introduces her as “my daughter” and she is not confused by having two mommies. Adoption does confuse her some but what confuses her is why and how it happened. Her questions aren’t “Why do I have two mommies” or “how can I be daughter to two women” — her questions are about why Pennie chose adoption, how Pennie met us and chose us, what we were doing before she was born. And frankly this stuff is easier to explain when we use language like “daughter” and “mother”. Is this making sense?
I guess I just want to reassure you that it will long-term make it easier to explain and at the beginning, some of the hard work in open adoption is expanding our ideas about what it means to be a parent for ourselves AND for our kids’ other parents.
We refer to my son’s birth mom as “Mama Carmen” and his bio sibs as his “Guatemalan brothers”. I hope she refers to my son Nicolas as her son!! She is his mother just as much as I am. She gave him life and had to make a tough decision to fracture her family in order to survive. It doesn’t make her less of a mother for making a healthy, painful decision. Nicolas is so lucky to have 2 mothers ad to know both of them. It’s not a competition of competency between his bio mom and me. It’s about Nicolas growing up knowing who he is honestly and without shame. Your child will not be confused and will be okay with it—if YOU are okay with it and can explain the situation fully, without shame, embarrassment, animosity or any other negative feelings. Yes, your child’s birth mom is young, but one day she won’t be.
I agree with Dawn that you don’t need to worry about confusing your daughter. For me most of that anxiety has to do with the difficulty of sharing the role of “mother”.
I don’t know what VG’s birthmom calls her to others; I do know I was so touched and overwhelmed when she referred to me as “VG’s mom” when introducing me to someone.
VG calls her birthmom by her first name and calls her birth grandparents Grandma Barb & Grandpa Phil; they love it and so does she.
My stumbling block has been in trying to explain what a “half sister” is; it sounds so silly. I keep telling VG that there is no such thing as half a sister!
I placed my daughter in open adoption more than 13 years ago and she has never been confused by me calling her my daughter.
I will go on to say, as an adult who was raised in an open adoption, I was always confused when my first mom introduced me to friends as a ‘friend of the family’, because I was nothing of the sort, I was her daughter and it hurt me that she didn’t feel she could call me that.
Since your question involves titles I’ll start by pointing out that she is not your first mom she is your daughter’s first mom. (“how does your fms…” “our fm is only 17…”)
As far as her claiming your shared daughter I think it’s important to recognize the difference between her calling herself “Laura’s Mommy” on some social networking site and telling Laura, “i’m your mommy”. While the second would be out of line and something you could have her not do the first is something you’ll either need to get used to or ignore.
As far as bday cards that say “daughter” if they make you feel uncomfortable you should talk to your daughter’s first mom about it. But regardless of what words are used, she is one of your daughter’s mothers.
Personally I call Kidlet by his name when he’s around. I’ve never had to introduce him but having read Jane’s reply I will take care to not dismiss who he is when/if I ever do have occasion to introduce him.
When his parents and I are talking about him the pronouns vary depending on the situation. “my” “ours” “yours” are all used by all of us. He’s 7 and does not seem to be confused. He knows who is parents are and he knows who I am and even goes so far as to announce my presence to the neighborhood when I visit.
I asked permission to send cards that used the word daughter. I use the word daughter on the internet. But I refer to her, when speaking to her face, by her first name.
It works for our family. Have the discussion.
WOW..i actually had the same “concern” and now in retrospect..no concern needed! My son is my son AND with out his FM he wouldnt exist!!!! He is HER son also. I am adopted and have a FM myself.. she IS my mother.. but I have a Mom! Your child will love you for being there at night, for being there for skinned knees, you are mommy. I tell myself when those “he belongs to me thoughts” creep in, I would rather her call him.. son than “that kid I had”. I wont say its not hard,, takes alot of soul searching and humbling, but in the end,, that child will know YOU as mommy the one whos there and his other mother as the one who gave him to you .
You’ve gotten some good info about the “what name” issue. I especially agree with SchmennaLeigh’s post.
I’d like to comment on another part, though. It seems common for people to tell kids that babies come from people’s tummies. They don’t. I seriously thought that babies grew in a person’s stomach and popped out, Alien-style, until I took sex ed in the 8th grade.
I don’t mean to hijack the thread. I just see this “tummy” thing all the time, and it bugs me, from a child’s viewpoint.
I would have a talk with her. I’m some what on the fence about OA’s, but I do believe aparents DO need to be comfortable in it in order for it to be successful.
If you have concerns about titles address them.
As an aparent you are the gatekeeper of the relationship until the child is able or wants to have a relationship on their own. So if it is something that bothers you, don’t feel guilty about it and “let it go”, speak-up about it.
If you don’t you can become resentful.
I wish you the best!
I have to respectfully disagree with the approach written above that there simply are “two mothers” or “two fathers.” When one couple gives physical life to a baby, and another couple forms that babies family and serves the social and emotional role of raising the child, there really needs to be separate words for the separate roles. The problem is, think, that our English language is deficient. Because “mother” has “usually” meant the gene-donor and the person who raised the baby all wrapped in one, we didn’t have this problem. But these days of egg donors, sperm donors, etc., we need more precise words and we need special words for the people who gave genetic material to create someone versus the words for the people who supported, bonded with, loved, and raised the person. Those people, to me, are the “parents,” the “mothers,” the “fathers,” the “mommy,” and the “daddy.” The people who gave physical life deserve great respect and certainly can be a part of the picture. But they need a different word because their roles are so different. For instance, it would be unthinkably cruel to the father of an adopted child for a man who had sex with the woman who gave birth to the child to come along and say, “I’m the father too! Call me “Daddy” too!” Does anyone have any ideas of what those different words might be? I would love to hear the ideas. Thanks.
@Iris, well, technically there ARE two mothers and two fathers and it’s ultimately up to our kids to decide how they feel about this reality. And to my mind, it wouldn’t be unthinkably cruel for a bio dad to come along and say “call me daddy.” I mean, cruel? Kind of an exaggeration. It might be insensitive or unrealistic but cruel? And who knows, maybe the child WANTS to call that person daddy.
I just don’t get why adoptive parents are sometimes so defensive about being the ONLY mom or dad. My relationship with my daughter (and my bio son) is true whatever they call me and the “mom” title is one I’m proud to own but I’m also proud to share it with her first mom.
@Iris, I have to say I’m a bit offended by being compared to an egg donor! I chose to carry the pregnancy when it meant drastic changes in my life… I dealt with the judgement of others over being pregnant in the first place and my decision to place… I spent months and months agonizing over the decision… I had to deal with all the crap of that guy who “just had sex” with me and be nice to him for my son’s sake… I went to 20+ doctor appointments… I went through labor… I denied my heart’s screams to take him home with me because I knew he deserved what I couldn’t give him… I pumped for almost four months (which meant getting up in the middle of the night even after my son’s parents were getting to sleep)… I pray for him constantly… I have a huge box of cards I add too pretty frequently so he’ll have tangible proof of how often I think of him… and I clumsily struggle forward in this relationship with his parents so, hopefully, he won’t have so many unanswered questions when he’s older.
None of these things I would do for anything less than “my son”. And I don’t mean that in a way that takes ANYTHING away from his mom and dad. Ever.
I don’t care what he calls me in the future (as long as it’s not intended to be disrespectful to either me or his Mom)… but, I gave a lot more than “genetic material” to this kid! So have the other birthmoms I know.
@Anonymous, DEar Anonymous,
I certainly did not mean to diminish the importance of what you did. You did a really nice job of writing about it. I think I was referring to “genetic material” for egg donors and sperm donors. I think I wrote (twice, actually) “gave physical life” for birth mothers, right? Anyway, this just goes to show how sensitive people are — we all are — to the choice of words. That was my point exactly.
Felt the need to chime in here.
I am a first mom and I love my son very much but it took me a long long time to have the courage to call him ‘my son’.
During visits I would never, ever ask him to call me ‘mom’ or whatever, actually it gives me joy to hear him call his adoptive mom ‘mommy’ because that means that he feels loved and attached to her, which is what he needs, so also what I want.
To me, this business of titles has very little to do with the child and almost everything to do with the adults entitlement issues.
Personally, I completely let go of any entitlement towards my son, I have a love for him like no other, and it really doesn’t matter to me what he calls me, as long as he knows who I really am enough to choose what kind of relationship he wants with me in the future(he’s only 3years-5months-21days old).
I know that open adoption is still a radical idea to some that might be comfortable with changing something that works for them.
Children will call people what they are most comfortable with.
I don’t plan on actually parenting anyone(just don’t think I can do it) but if I did, I think it would be neat for my child to always call me by my first name, or something they make up themselves!! I’m really crazy though, most people stick to what has been going on for thousands of years, so boring, why can’t we take a chance and change things up a bit sometimes???!
“I just don’t get why adoptive parents are sometimes so defensive about being the ONLY mom or dad. My relationship with my daughter (and my bio son) is true whatever they call me and the “mom” title is one I’m proud to own but I’m also proud to share it with her first mom.”
Dawn:
I think what the Op is trying to say is, for her, certain titles are reserved for the ones who are raising the child, which makes sense. Does your child call her bmom “mom” “mommy” or address her by her first name? I wouldn’t like it, nor would I allow it, if my child’s bdad insisted that we and child address him as “daddy”. That title and others are reserved for the ones who are raising the child, JMHO
@atimmons, she does both. It’s between her and Pennie as far as I’m concerned and Pennie chose NOT to use any kind of “mama” title when Madison was a baby. As it turns out, sometimes Madison likes to try it on and she does sometimes call Pennie “mama” or “birth mama”. This doesn’t bother me because it’s not about me.
I get that different families make different choices but I was put off by the “cruel” comment. Also the original poster was talking about her daughter’s first mom using the title on Myspace, which is a totally different context than using it with the kid (because, again, that’s up to families to figure out).
I always refer to Cupcake as my daughter – because that’s what she is.
She doesn’t call me much of anything at this point (she’s 2 1/2 and will call me by name sometimes) but when she starts to be more verbal about me, I hope that she’ll be allowed to call me whatever she pleases – if that’s my name – okay, first Mom – great, something with Mom/Mama in it – that’s her call!
I would never request, encourage, or insist that she call me anything specific. Dee (her Mom) and I have not yet had the conversation about what she’ll call me, and I think it will develop as our collective relationship does.
I agree with you T. When I talk about Supergirl it is be saying My Daughter. She isn’t anyone different to me just because I placed her. She uses my name. If that changes in the future so be it, it will be her decision and her decision alone, not anyone else’s and I hope she isn’t influenced to call me something else if she is all ready comfortable with one way or changes it herself.
I call my daughter my daughter because she is. No matter whether I placed her or not, she is still my daughter, but the way I feel about it is kinda complicated. I think of her as my daughter but not of me as her mother if that makes sense. I very much think of her as the adoptive parent’s daughter and them as her parents. I would never ask her to call me mommy or anything. I think people get too caught up in the territorial issues to really think of how big the issue really is. As long as you are always open with your daughter she will recognize and name the relationships she has with all the people in her life and chose what she wants to call those people, it should not be forced and you should not stop it. As long everything is talked about she will not be confused.
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There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points in Features also.
Our family is an extended one. My son’s fm is a cousin of mine who I helped raise. She refers to him as her son. He refers to me as Mom, Momma and Mommy. We refer to her as “momma first name”. He also has an older sister, a grandmother and a couple of uncles through his fm’s family. Between my husband and myself he has even more grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins. Who he is in relation to my husband and I doesn’t change who he is in relation to his other family members. We take family vacations to see them, they take vacations to see us. We are all his family. I feel he is blessed to have so many people who love him and care about him.
That being said, adoption is an emotional journey for everyone involved and the answers aren’t always easy. Even though birth/adoption issues have always existed, each of us is forging our own ground in an attempt to find our own truths and what works best for our children.
When I was much younger I gave birth to a baby girl who died several hours after she was born. I can tell you that I’ve never experienced any grief or pain that even remotely rivaled that situation. Just because I never brought that baby home didn’t make me any less of a mother. My love for her was no less than a mother’s who brought her child home. Conversely, I couldn’t love my son any more if he came forth from my own womb. The fact that he came from someone else’s makes me no less his mother.
The bottom line is no matter what label or title we want to give we are all mothers. All you as mother’s can relate to that whether your a firstmother, birthmother, adoptedmother, mother, etc, etc, Whatever language or title you elect to use should be chosen with care between the parties involved. Some people find fm or bm offensive, some don’t.
My son knows that I’m the one who feeds him, bathes him, takes care of him when he’s sick, tucks him in at night, read him stories, etc., He’s not going to wake up one morning and decide because I share a title with someone else that I love him less or that he loves me any less. He is constantly reassured of his “value”. He also needs to know that his fm loves him so much that she was selfless enough to make the best decision she could for HIM, regardless of the difficulty. He needs to know that she continues to love him, think about him and worry for him; that she wants what’s best for him and that he has “value” to HER.
I think as a society we put too much emphasis on ownership of our children. We feel threatened by things that don’t really matter as much as we think they do. Not that I’m trying to push my own beliefs or values off on anyone here, but when I am having difficulty about an extended familial issue, I always try to think of my son as God’s first because then it’s much easier to see the truth of any given situation.
Sorry for the long rant. Hopefully you found something worthwhile while reading it.
I’m chiming in here as an adoptee this time, not an adoptive parent (I’m both). I was raised in a closed adoption so labels rarely came up. But my most valued “thing” is the very first birthday card my first mother sent me after we were in reunion because it was a birthday card for “My Daughter”. To finally have that relationship acknowledged for what it really was, was the best gift I ever got!
Wow…I just stumbled onto this discussion and am soooo happy I did. Despite the different points of view I am thrilled to hear other folks were a bit taken aback by the myspace stuff…it just happened to me about 8 weeks ago. The words “my daughter” attached to a photo of my little girl were hard to digest at first…but I have thought about it since then…a lot…and this was a moment when I had to start living the promise I made. T is our daughters mother, just as I am her mother, but in different ways. In my heart I need to acknowledge that in order to live up to the promises I made in having an open adoption. I have to acknowledge that there are two of us and that is fine, it has to be fine for me as it is all about my daughter. I think the boundaries can be drawn in other ways than who is called what. just my two cents.
<a href="#comment-1074" rel="nofollow">@Anonymous</a>, DEar Anonymous,
I certainly did not mean to diminish the importance of what you did. You did a really nice job of writing about it. I think I was referring to "genetic material" for egg donors and sperm donors. I think I wrote (twice, actually) "gave physical life" for birth mothers, right? Anyway, this just goes to show how sensitive people are — we all are — to the choice of words. That was my point exactly….