Hard to write this, so I’ll just jump right in. I’m quite emotional right now and could really use some guidance.
To give you the context, I got pregnant when I was very young. Moved on from abusive parents to an abusive boyfriend, and was alone to care for my child. Tried, as I could, for a few years, but wasn’t able to. So, I gave her up for adoption and walked away.
I don’t think I need to explain how hard that was, but just so you know, It was out of love for her that I did. I’m not sure I ever got over it, but I’ve always known that it was the best possible decision for her. I’m proud to have had the strength and courage to admit to myself where my shortcomings where, and to move on in with that and do what was best for her.
Still missed her like crazy though.
Hadn’t had news from her in years, and not long ago, her adoptive mother got in touch with me.
It came as an incredible shock. I was expecting my daughter to come find me as an adult, to understand why I had made that choice, but not while she was still a child. She is old enough to make her own decisions now, but not old enough to understand all the consequences. She remembers me.
Her Mom has asked me what role I’d like in my daughter’s life. And… I don’t know what to answer to that.
I made an incredible sacrifice so my daughter would have a better life, they have a great relationship, how can I be there and not hinder that? I really wouldn’t want to.
There’s nothing I’d like more than to be present in her life. But, I don’t know how. How is it possible to make it work? What possible role can I have?
What is there? I don’t even know.
I’m lost and scared to be honest.
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I’m sorry that this all feels so scary to you — I totally get why it would. You don’t have to have all the answers now. You can take this one step at a time and that’s more than ok. Going slow is ok. What your daughter has with her adoptive mom is theirs — you can’t hurt it. Just like having a great relationship with her adoptive mom hasn’t changed her need to have some connection with you. Her adoptive mom gets that and I think it’s really positive that she’s reaching out to you. It tells me that she’s going to be a support system for her daughter and that she has faith and trust enough in their relationship that she’s not threatened by you. I think you’re going to have to trust that and let yourself grow into whatever relationship that is right for you and your daughter. But ti’s ok not to know — it really is. Hang in there. (I know there are other people on the forum who have been in your shoes. I hope the new site format hasn’t scared them all off and that they’ll chime in!)
As hard as it was to say goodbye to a baby I’d only known a few days, I can’t imagine what it would take to make the decision after several years! I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
I’d say that if she wants you in her life and you want to be in her life and her a-mom wants you to be in her life… go for it
Talk to her a-mom and see what she is comfortable with and do what you can to build a relationship there… and then be there for your daughter. Try to not build up a whole lot of expectations and let her take the lead as far as how much contact you have (I’m sure she doesn’t know at this point exactly what she wants, either) and see where it goes.
You are her birth/first mom regardless of the relationship she has with her a-mom and regardless of whether you are in the picture or not.
I am that adoptee as an adult now..though I was placed at birth I am in a reunion..I promise you..you wont hinder any relationship she has built.You will ENHANCE it!!! Im still in the beginning stages …3mths..any contact we have helps me identify to who I am. Let her Amom, and her take the beginning steps.. but if the ok is there…GREAT! good luck!
WOW…that would be a very difficult question. I think it is a wonderful opportunity to be a part of her life. As with all relationships, there are different levels of commitment. Certainly the adoptive mother has asked you to be in her life with having her/your daughter’s best interest in mind. With that said, I would ponder how ‘open’ you are comfortable in being consistent with. I am a believer in undercommiting and then overcompensating, rather then commiting and undercompensating, as that could be devastating for this little girl again. So think about do you want to just have updates from the adoptive mom? Do you want to visit for special occasions? Do you want to visit on a monthly basis? You want to be able to know where your limitations are emotionally as well. You may not even know what your emotional, mental and psychological abilities are. As with all relationships, they take work and time to develop into what they become. You can even start out slow to see how you feel. My friend’s daughter who is adopted calls her birth mom “My Annie”. It is her name and she uses it like a title like an ‘aunt’ or ‘sister’ but a little more special. She knows she grew in her belly, and is loved by ‘her Annie’ and they are special friends. The fact that you do not want to hinder their relationship already shows that you can set appropriate boundaries with this little girl. And having a relationship with her also entells you will have a regular relationship with her adoptive mom. I would share your concerns with this adoptive mother. I am sure if things come up where you are unsure of hindering, you and this adoptive mom, clearly both have this little girls best interest in mind and, CAN discuss such things if they come up. best!