Once again I can not sleep because I keep thinking about something my daughter’s first mom said to us and I wonder if any other fm’s have done this and if it is, for lack of a better term, “normal”. FM has told all of her high school friends that the baby is in daycare or at grandma’s instead of saying she was adopted. It sounds to me like she is embarassed to have done adoption yet at her age it was a selfless and responsible decision.
She has also stated many times that she has collected many, many toys for the baby–none of which she has ever brought to the 8 visits over the past 9 months. She also constantly mentions that “her friends babies want to meet the baby”–even though she has been told multiple times visits are for her and her family only, not high school friends.
Have any of you other fm’s felt the need to cover up your adoption and pretend you still are parenting to friends? Or has anyone else had this situation? To me this explains why her networking name is Laura’s mommy and why we have been asked to participate in senior pictures—to facilitate the lie……???? Opinions?
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I’d say it’s not useful to look for “normal” when someone is trying to process trauma and losing a child to adoption — even if it’s a well-planned, thoughtful and considered choice — is trauma. I mean, yeah, I think it probably is normal to lie about it but I also think it sounds worrisome and I hope that she’s getting some support and counseling. I was just talking to a first parent I know about this — she is someone who feels good about her adoption decision and so she was unprepared that she could both feel good about it and feel totally undone about it. It really is trauma and studies show that first moms live with post-traumatic stress disorder. Different people cope with PTSD differently. Some people cope by living in denial — either denying their grief/pain or by denying that the adoption really happened. It sounds like maybe she’s living with some of this?
I feel worried for her. I hope she’s getting some professional support because it sounds like things are really really hard for her.
This post breaks my heart… As a birthmom, I’ve been so lucky to have support from friends and family, so I always get a bit of a lump in my throat when I hear about someone who doesn’t have much. Unfortunately, it’s kind of become “cool” in our society to be a teen mom (God only knows the havoc that will cause in the future!), so if she’s got a lot of friends who are parenting, I can definitely see why she might feel like it’s easier to lie about it. But, I definitely agree with Dawn that it sounds very VERY unhealthy. If she’s not confident enough in her decision to share it with her friends, how is she going to cope with it for the rest of her life? She certainly can’t pretend to be parenting for the next 18 years!
Do you know if she’s getting any post-placement counseling? If not, it sounds like she really needs to! Do you have contact with her mother so you could suggest that? She would probably be a better person to “confront” (sounds overly harsh, but I can’t think of a better word) her about this than you. She might not even know her daughter hasn’t told people. If you do end up having to be the one to bring it up, try to do it in as gentle a way as possible… “I just wanted to bring this up because I care about you and want you to be able to have some peace about your decision” kind of conversation. But try Mom first.
Also, (I realize this is probably a huge stretch…) I think you’ve mentioned in the past about her attending a support group for pregnant teens? It sounds like these are the girls she’s most concerned about (esp. since she asked to take your daughter with her sometime)… Would you ever consider attending this group with her the day she “comes clean” about the adoption? Maybe her mom, too? I just wonder if having that support would make it easier for her to do, and if seeing you might make it easier for the other girls to accept? Who knows, there may be other girls in the group who might be considering placement, but are afraid of what everyone else will think… not that you should try to influence people, but I’ve known plenty of single moms who never felt free to really consider adoption because they’d never seen it in real life. Anyway, I realize it’d probably be WAY outside your comfort zone, but it might go a long way in helping her begin to heal and in healing your relationship with her.
I know some of my friends were really skeptical about the whole thing until they saw H&L’s profile… then it made a lot more sense to them. Hope that was helpful.
I too hope this young woman is getting some support, it sounds like she’s struggling. However some of these things might not be as concerning as they sound. I guess it depends on the context and specifics of whats occuring. I don’t know this specific young woman but I’ll use myself as an example. On my own social networking sites I have pictures of my son. Him alone and us together.
The captions for the most part use his name but on occasion they are labeled “my son”. I suppose if they had been seen by his mom in the early stages of our OA she may have been concerned.
As for the “at daycare” comments it sounds to me as if she’s protecting herself. In my opinion, the second you admit to anyone you’ve placed a child for adoption you open yourself up to all sorts of judgements and assumptions. Not only that but then people believe they’re entitled to all of their questions regardless of how offensive or inappropriate. Also maybe she doesn’t feel she can talk about it without crying. I know for me I’m not going to bring up adoption when I don’t think I can get through an entire lengthy session of questions without breaking into tears.
If I’m around people who didn’t know me while I was pregnant it’s not really an issue, I don’t have to tell them I have a son. But I still run into those who do know I was pregnant and they ask questions. I see no reason to get into a long explanation with mere aquaintances. I’ve been known to say he’s “at home” which he is he’s at his home, “at school” no need to tell them his school is 3000 miles away or “doesn’t live with me”. All these things are true and aquaintances don’t need the additional details.
As for wanting senior pictures you may be correct that she’d use the pictures to, “facilitate the lie” OR she could just want pictures of her with your shared child. I treasure photos of my son and I together. And yes I share those pictures with others, he’s a cute kid and deserves to be shown off, but I never use them to pretend I’m parenting.
If this young lady is telling her *friends*, not just acquaintances, that she’s parenting her baby, then she needs a lot of help and support. From her mother, and from other birth/first moms. I don’t think it’s your responsibility to make her completely comfortable with her decision, and I really don’t think it’s your responsibility to make it easy for her to lie. Because she is lying.
It’s one thing to want to avoid having to explain to people you hardly know. It’s quite another to be telling your friends that your baby is with the sitter. She has all these toys for the baby… I wonder if she fully believes this adoption is permanent. Does she understand that you’re not the sitter, and that she’s not going to parent when she gets older? I can’t tell from what you’ve written, so it’s possible I’m being quite presumptuous, but it was a question that came to me.
I think britney has some good suggestions. Her mom really needs to get her into counseling. Also I don’t know if you’re familiar with the group BirthMom Buds, but they provide support to birth/first moms all over the country. I highly recommend it.
Frankly, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have your child in your senior pictures, regardless of who’s actually parenting said child. You could all go get professional pics done separately. Senior pictures are mostly for the yearbook and sharing with your friends. So, yes, getting senior pics with the baby would likely perpetuate the lies she’s telling her friends.
Make no mistake – I fully agree that this young lady is troubled and needs help. But there comes a point when needing help isn’t an excuse to behave however one pleases. I don’t know if you think she’s reached that point yet, of course.
I do know that fm is in counseling as well as the teen parent group because I had called her mom and asked once before when she had said something of concern to me. Her mom is also adopted and is an incredible support to fm. As far as I know she is still getting help.
Britney-you had suggested possibly attending the teen group with her, but I am afraid that would open the door to “friend” visits. The major reason we were afraid of the friend visits is because one of her friends had posted a comment that said “laura is so cute I could just kidnap her” (obviously we know this wasn’t fm talking, but this is one of the girls at the teen group.) I don’t think I am brave enough or ready to go that route yet. Plus I also know that the high school and teen group friends will most likely not be her friends in 5 years and I don’t feel a need for these other kids to meet Laura when they will not be part of Laura’s life. We are trying to keep it to just family. But your suggestion is a good one.
Dawn and katjamichelle-you may be on to something. I think there are signs of PTSD, and she may also not want all those intrusive questions from hs aquaintances. The thing is—I was a teacher at that exact high school and it is well known in the population because our last name had been mentioned by her before and it spread like community wildfire gossip. (Although we did not meet through the school and didn’t even know each other before this—it is just a really small world.) I have not returned to the high school.
This is such a learning process for me and I want fm to feel good about her choice and know how much we support her in her grief and her life in the future. That is why we have been open to so many visits and the pictures even after we had said just 4 visits a year. I was told that her pregnancy was done on purpose, and I know the final decision to do adoption was the worst possible heart breaking decision for her. I will never in my life forget the hysterical crying when she handed Laura over to us. It will forever be engrained in my heart and soul nd it makes me cry everytime I think about it because I felt like a baby stealer even though she said over and over again this was the right thing for her.
I will continue to support fm as much as I can through visits, pictures, updates and conversations, and I will also try to talk with her mom again–but I am afraid of overstepping because very soon she will be an adult and I don’t want her to think I am going over her head to her mom.
Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it
I agree that this is sad indeed. I also agree that it is not unusual for mothers to del with the loss of a child with denial.
As for her age, it is only our current cultural mores that make having a baby while at one’s prime physically seem like the odd thing to do. In many other cultures – even in parts of the U.S. today, it is perfectly acceptable. Giving away one’s child, however, is the oddity. It is unnatural. Every ounce of here fiber and cell tells her that. her friends may reinforce that it is not within the norm, but she knows it herself instinctively and feels very guilty about not be able to parent hr own child. And yes, people judge and judge harshly!
Britney – the truth is that: God only knows the havoc that will adoption causes many in the future! You don’t even know that yet. Talk to mothers who are 10, 20, 40+ year post surrender. You have no idea how you feel then — or how your child will feel.
Diane – This is something SHE needs to deal with. Don’t question what is normal because that computes through s judging her and judging her actions as not normal, whatever that is.
Katja – He IS your son. Why would you label his photo anything else?
Mirah—I am FAR from judging my daughter’s fm and my question was based only out of concern for her well being, as well as her mental state when she is in and out of my daughter’s life (and ours). You also need to understand that this is a site for people in open adoptions who are doing our best to keep the natural parents involved in the adoptees lives so that the children of open adoption do not have the empty feeling that some adoptees feel from closed adoptions. I find offensive and incredibly judgemental that you call adoption an oddity and unnatural, it is actually disrespectful to every first family out there who has by choice chosen this for their child. I read your bio and I understand you felt forced into adoption many years ago, but this isn’t always the case, especially when it is an open adoption with the first family still involved. I understand you are big on statistics and pointing out all the horrors adoption can cause, and yes, there can be horror stories—but there are many, many more horror stories regarding natural parents who never even considered adoption for their child. You see it daily on the news. Adoption is not always a negative experience and can result in well adjusted, positive, happy individuals–my many adopted friends would vouch for that.But I am now off topic.
Judging my daughter’s first mother is the last thing I would do. I feel she is an amazing, compassionate, selfless, intelligent young woman-and not just because she made my husband and I a family, but because of the person she is–someone who had the strength to make an adoption plan for a child she loved dearly, and I greatly respect and applaud her for the extraordinary efforts she has made to get he life on track. I care for her greatly and only want to support her as she goes through the grieving process so that she and my daughter continue to have a healthy, loving relationship all of their lives.
Diane, I actually didn’t necessarily mean to take your daughter with you… I totally agree that may not be the healthiest place to take an infant. And, as I mentioned, I realize that it’d be a huge stretch for you- even more so if you know some of these girls from working at the school. I also totally agree that inviting a bunch of teenage girls (especially teenage moms) into your house with your daughter isn’t a wonderful idea… I actually thought it might end the need for them if by wanting them to come to visits she’s actually trying to show them that her daughter is doing ok. Also, being distraught when you relinquish a child IS normal (if anything can be called normal, that can!).
Mirah, I’ve spoken to MANY women as much as 50+ years post-relinquishment (some who are happy, some who are miserable, and everything in between). As well as birth grandparents and adoptive parents and adult adoptees and adult adoptees who have become birthmoms and adult adoptees who have become adoptive parents… You’re absolutely right that I can’t know how I’ll feel in forty years (or even forty minutes, for that matter)… but I DO know I did everything humanly possible to seek out information- that I heard good, bad and ugly from every side of the triad, that I spent countless hours talking the decision through with people who love me and had pretty much every opinion possible about what I should do, that I sought out counseling both through my agency and from an outside source, that I spoke to women who had decided to parent who were 10, 20, 30+ years in… it was in no way a decision I made blindly. I made the decision that offered the most hope of the future I wanted for my son under the circumstances that existed. It hurt(s) like hell, and will hurt to some degree for the rest of my life. I can let the pain and what-ifs destroy me, or I can do everything I can to build a strong relationship with my son’s parents and support them in giving him the life I couldn’t give him on my own. Every day, I choose the latter.
Yes, there are many many people hurt by adoption, but there are also lots of kids who are hurt being raised by single mothers, and there are lots of miserable single mothers! There’s no way to know what would have happened to the baby or this girl if she’d decided to parent, either. Unplanned/teen pregnancies virtually guarantee some level of pain for all involved. It’s sad, but it’s true. In this case, the decision is already made. She can hate the decision she made and let it eat away at her for the next 10, 20 or 40 years… or she can get some help dealing with it and hopefully find some peace and healing, as well as develop a healthy relationship with her daughter’s mother and, eventually (hopefully) with her daughter as she gets older.
Mirah I know he’s my son I label his photo with his name because it’s his name. Same as I label pictures of my friends with their names and not as “my friend”
The world does not always view adoption as selfless or responsible. In fact, if she’s still in high school, teens are even less knowledgeable about things like selflessness and responsibility and why those are good characteristics to possess. Peer pressure is awful.
Personally, I didn’t tell one of my friends, an adopted adult, about the Munchkin’s placement for months until I was finally cornered with a question that I couldn’t answer by avoiding the main point. Why? I didn’t want to deal with the judgment.
Is it healthy? No. Is it part of the grieving process? (Denial being one of the stages/phases.) Yes.
As a single mother, I admit this isn’t the life I imagined for my daughter or myself, but I certianly would live this life over a thousand times before I would ever lose another child to adoption.
I don’t really appreciate the comparison about single mothers to unhappiness and tortured childhoods, birtney.
EVERY SINGLE CHILD born in the world each day has an equal shot at unhappiness; adopted or not, single parent household or not, rich parents or not.
Your life is what you make of it. When you reach adutlhood, you make the choice to let your past define you or to define yourself despite your past.
I made no reference to “tortured childhoods”… nor did I say that there is always and forever a direct relationship between a single parent household and a miserable life. But I’ve known lots of people who spent their lives hurting for their absentee parent, so what I said is not at all untrue- lots of children are hurt by being raised in a single parent home. It’s certainly not the only thing that can cause pain in a child’s life… but it is a source of pain for many.
I wouldn’t say that adoption is always better than single parenting… but I wouldn’t say that single parenting is always better than adoption, either.
My point was that, once a path is chosen, you can’t ever know what might have been if you’d gone the other direction. That existence is lost to you forever. I was just pointing out that the other path has plenty of difficulties of its own.
Our son’s birthmother told us that she was telling people at her school that our son was in daycare. She didn’t say anything about him being placed. I could completely understand that she didn’t want to go into an explanation about the adoption. Let’s be honest. . . a birth/first parent is definitely under a lot of emotional stress–and then to be criticized further and asked all the same questions over and over. I didn’t blame her one bit for not telling people. She is very open now–but 4 1/2 years have passed and we have worked together and supported her greatly in feeling confident in telling her story when she wishes too.