When placing my daughter for adoption I lied and stated the birth father was a one night stand and I didn’t know him. Truthfully he’s a drug dealer and had made threats against both me and the baby while I was pregnant. Involving him terrifies me. I know he has rights but I truly did what I felt was best for our daughter. I feel horrible lying to the adoptive family and would really like to tell them the truth one day, but I’m not sure how. I’m scared that they will hate me and close the adoption. Any advice?
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I think if they want to close the adoption, they will no matter how “perfect” you are. If they believe in openness, they’ll help you keep it open even if they’re not entirely happy about the lie. Things might change between you but all things change.
But I have to say…when you say “I’d like to tell them the truth someday,” it reminds me of some of the worst closed adoption stories. “I’ll tell the child she was adopted…someday…” but they never quite get around to it and it gets harder and harder because the more you lie, the harder it is to come clean. I think sooner is better.
If the courts terminated the rights of all possible bio-fathers, that should include the scary guy, right? So probably you don’t have to worry about him anymore.
Involve someone from the agency you used (assuming you did) when you talk to them if you can.
But I instantly put myself in the adoptive parents shoes as we know nothing about our daughter’s birth father. And after a little more then a year of a developing relationship with our daugther’s birthmom and family I think if she were to tell me this now I would not close the adoption. It might take some time for me to trust her again but I wouldn’t stop contact.
Don’t hold onto the information too long. They’ll want to know.
I can’t speak for your child’s adoptive parents, but based on our own situation -
I would never be angry at her for lying about it (and we’re pretty sure that there is more to the story than just a one-night stand). She was in survival mode and doing what she felt was the right thing for her, her baby and her family. I wasn’t in her shoes and don’t feel that I can judge her too harshly for it. I can just hope that she will feel secure enough with us at some point to give our son as much info about him as she can.
Our facilitator also prepared us and told us not to be surprised if she eventually confessed to knowing a lot more about him. Hopefully your child’s adoptive parents were given the same piece of advice. And like Ginger said – the sooner the better.
It’s very clear that you love your child and desire what best for him/her just by your being concerned and posting this question. I’m an adoptive mom that’s hoping to establish an open relationship with our son’s first mom. I know there were something’s in our son’s paper work that made me wonder if his first father was not making the best choices at the time of his birth. I know that if our son’s mom shows the same desire for openness/ closeness that you do ,but at the time just was not comfortable with sharing more details about his first father I would trust that the decision she was making was out of love for him. I would hope at some point that she would tell us though. I think eventually you will need to tell them. Maybe as the bond grows between all of you then you will know when the right time is to share? One thing I know for sure is that your child will at some point ask you him/herself. My husband is an adoptee who was recently reunited with his first father’s family. My husband never faulted his first mother’s decision at the time of his birth to keep his first father out of his life. His first father at the time was young. He did not appear that he would have been a safe person to have in his life then. However people sometimes change for the better and his first father did. He became a man that would have been a blessing to have been in my husbands life. Also my husband’s first father’s family, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins etc. would have been a blessing to have been in his life as well. Sadly by the time my husband found his first father he had already passed away as well as my husband’s grandparents and some of his Aunts and Uncles. You might consider keeping tabs on your child’s first father and his family. If he or they ever clearly show that they would be a safe situation for your child then you could notify your child’s adoptive parents and together all of you could make a good decision on how to proceed. Your child may not want to search for his/her first father as an adult but it’s a safe bet that eventually they will. If you have kept tabs on their first father and his family when they went to search it would save your child the painful anguish it will put him/her through to search. I think your child would respect that you cared enough to think ahead for him/her and have it ready for them when they were ready. I do know that since finding my husband’s first father’s family we are now aware of some serious medical problems that we are grateful to know about. Since finding this information out our doctor said that it was a good thing we had this information and can monitor my husband for it. Our doctor said without it more then likely he would not have monitored my husband for these issues this early. He could have developed the same medical problems had them go undetected and could have experienced the same early death that his first father, Uncles, and Aunt all did. I say all this keeping in mind that you are able to keep tabs on your child’s first father and his family without putting anyone in danger! It sounds like you are very aware of the danger your child’s first father poses. You should trust your motherly instincts when making your decision on how to proceed. It sounds like a difficult decision for you, but it clearly shows you love your child. Any decision you make out of love for your child as he/she matures will understand that and love you for it.
My son’s first mom initially indicated that she didn’t know anything about the birth father. After about a year, when all rights had been terminated and I think she felt more secure, she gave us more information. We were not mad at all — we appreciated that she now she was ready to share more details with us and, someday, with our son.
My first thought is: Has this man had his rights terminated properly?
My next thought is: I wouldn’t close the adoption because my son’s birth mother lied about the birth father. However, I really wouldn’t like it. I think that the adoptive parents have a right to know the truth. I’d want it in a letter, which can be carefully worded and thought out, so that all of the important details come out in the open.
Sooner is better than later, I think.