As some of you know, we have an open adoption with my sons biomother. we got my son from foster care when he was 3 mths old. weve had our ups and downs but over all she and i make it work. the biofather has his rights terminated because he never showed up for court,, never showed to visit etc. he also was in jail for a while. anyway, i got a message from him on myspace!!! he actually asked if he could see him!!!! i was shaking. if he had actually gone to court we would have entered into an open adoption with him. He chose to walk away. I am now scared, he is dangerous and has spent time in jail for threatning a witness with a pistol. Needless to say i closed my account and PRAY he doesnt do anything stupid! When my son is 18 he can look his bio up. until then I have to keep him and his 5 sisters safe. I hope he doesnt get into a drunken stuper or when hes high somehow try to get to us. He does know our first and last names so needless to say he can look us up. would it be crazy of me to contact the police, i do work in the same town as he lives and freqent the area where he lives. Im nervous and not sure what to do. any opnions will be great!
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I would contact the caseworker and/or judge that initially handled the case and find out if you can get a restraining order. Given his past, they might give it to you. I suggest these people rather than the police as they have the pertinent files already. If you need to contact the police you can then do so.
Please let us know what happens!
I don’t feel like I have enough information to respond…
How old is your child?
How long ago where these legal issues?
The info you have about his past, is it from some reliable source? (and by that, I mean someone other than his ex girlfriend/wife and I’m not saying she’s unreliable – but honestly, do any of us have anything nice to say about our ex’s?)
Having seen adoptive parents with equally (or worse) criminal histories go on to be fine parents…I just have a hard time with the whole “birth parents never change” mentality.
It’s a little late now, having deleted your MySpace account – but honestly, is reconnecting with someone who might have a blemished past but could be perfectly safe now, the worst thing in the world? Do you know he’s unsafe now?
Remember, we’re all just going on assumptions at this point. You didn’t indicate any updated information about why you think he’s unsafe now.
If adoptive parents can change and go on to adopt – isn’t it safe to assume that birth parents can also change and go on to be respectful participants in an open adoption?
Just something to think about – with the very limited information provided.
I have to agree with Brandy. Everyone deserves a second chance. As the wife of a senior ranking Policeman I have witnessed changes in people who have been given a second go a making things right.
Whatever it is you choose to do please don’t ignore him. At least send an acknowledgement of his message.
I hope it all workds out for you all.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling threatened and scared. My daughter’s birth father made a direct threat of violence against us when she was a baby, and I vividly remember the heart-pounding, panicky feelings from the day it all happened.
The biggest help for me was talking with an agency social worker. She helped me work through the initial fear (which any parent is going to feel if they think their child’s safety is threatened, no matter how unlikely), and together we did some risk assessment of the situation. Ultimately we decided that, although it was possible that he could carry through on the threat, it was unlikely in that particular case. Although I didn’t feel completely better, it did take my panic level down several notches to talk to someone not directly involved in the situation and have them help me think things through.
If I were you, I probably wouldn’t contact the police at this point, since he only asked for a visit and your worries of violence are only speculative at this point. If you are concerned about future behavior, you could contact your lawyer or social worker and talk about the events so far with them, so they can help you establish a record of interactions with him should you need to take action at some point.
You mentioned that you were open to making a contact agreement with him at the time of the adoption; I’d encourage you to consider the possibility of contact if/when you’re feeling safer. Obviously I don’t know the details of this man’s character, but people who are violent in one context are not necessarily going to be violent in another. Meeting with him in a neutral, controlled environment or exchanging photos/letters may even help ease your fears. If you worry that he may resort to violence in order to see your son, providing an outlet for his desire for contact could be productive. We have met our daughter’s birth father before and although we are not in direct contact with him at the moment, we are open to it again in the future, although there would certainly be more caveats attached now. I don’t say this to pressure you into anything, just to provide another possible outlook for how this could go.
I hope you are able to find peace and a sense of safety, regardless of what next steps you choose to take.
I’m a bit confused too…. if he had shown up at court you would have entered into an open adoption with him…… did he only become dangerours since then? How do you know that he has become dangerous since then if this is the first contact you have had with him? How had you planned on handling an open adoption with him if he had shown up in court? If it were me, I would go back to that plan.
You don’t have to put yourself or your children in a position where safety is at risk, but waiting till your son is 18 and able to look him up isn’t the right answer either. There is always a middle ground. I hope you find it.
On first reading this, I thought about a restraining order too. Then, based on what our experiences have been w/our daughter’s first father, I found I had some questions:
Would supervised visits be an option for you? Did you originally adopt through an agency? If so, I think you need to speak w/at least your social worker and see if he/she’d be willing to be a moderator for a visit. Then present that as an option and see if he’ll go for it.
Has he personally threatened you in any way? You mentioned that he had threatened a witness in a (his?) trial with a pistol. If he hasn’t threatened any of you personally, you might have a tough time with that restraining order.
Believe me, I understand all too well about not being able to trust someone enough to allow contact. (((hugs))) I hope it works out okay for all of you.
First off – restraining orders. From personal experience, they’re not THAT easy to get. A history of violence with the idea that they *might* harm you, is no where NEAR enough to get a restraining order – at least in my community.
Having said that – I’m not sure what the basis for requesting one would be either….I have to agree with echaos’ point: At some point you say you would have entered into an OA with this man. Now that you didn’t, you don’t want any contact and consider him a serious threat? Perhaps there are some links between those two emotions that you didn’t relay to us, but I’m interested in knowing what made the change in your perception of this individual.
I think the time frame is important as Brandy pointed out as well. When did certain events occur? People can and do change. Again, as Brandy pointed out, that’s accepted quickly when it’s regarding aparents, yet seems to automatically be a much slower road for first parents. Why?
You didn’t share what the Myspace message said, and you don’t have to of course, but unless the tone of it was a direct threat, I’m unclear as to what changed after that message as well…..he’s known your first and last names this whole time correct? So why do you think that NOW there is reason to believe he would do something to harm your son, your family, etc.?
Ok..let me clarify.. my son is 21/2 and been with us since he was about 3 mths. he was removed from the home for drug traffic, guns, and violence. fm has changed,, shes still young and makes some foolish mistakes but nothing like the firstfather has .
He stopped going to visits at dss over a year before my son was adopted. It will be 2 years this oct that he hasnt seen him. The court date to enter into an open adoption was last july,,, NO i would not have had an open adoption like i do with his mother. I would have done pictures once a year. Never any physical contact! He has recently when i say recent i mean the past 8 mths been arrested for the gun threat, drug possession, assault and battery. I do know this because this was all still going on when the termination of parental rights trial was in full swing. Those, among the fact that he stopped going to the visits prompted the TPR trial. His rights were officially termed.
My concern is, he has stated, to the firstmother, if i see them maybe ill grab my kid and go. with the fact of him knowing our names and possibly where we reside now with the fact that he THINKS i will allow contact makes me very uneasy. Im not saying people dont change,, im saying he has made NO changes since the beginning thats why he lost rights to my son.
Ask yourself: if bdad was a family member would you allow him to have contact with your child? If the answer is no, don’t feel guilty and do what is best for you and your family. Yes, people can/do change but this person has a violent history, and in today’s times you can never be sure WHO you are dealing with. Not to get you paranoid, but look what happened to Jennifer Hudson’s family. Her sister was married to a man with a” past” and he ended up being charged with murdering her mother, bother and nephew. Also not to “stir the pot” but the bmother is in contact with him( I’m assuming she is the one that gave him your online information) , and she has told you what he has said, I would be careful about that too.
Trust your instincts, just because someone is biologically related to someone doesn’t mean they are the right person to be around.
I hope it works out.
thanks for giving us more detail… it sheds a very different light then your first entry. My confusion was that I don’t consider sending pictures once a year to be an OA, so id didn’t understand what you had meant.
Given that he has stated ” if i see them maybe ill grab my kid and go”, then yes, I can understand your concerns and fears.
I wish you the best.. it’s a tough situation to be in.
Like echaos, a lot of this was cleared up for me with your followup of details. I too define OA differently (which is fine) so that was where some of the confusion was with me as well.
It absolutely is a tough position, and one that I don’t envy…I wish the best for you and your family as you navigate this.
thank u for the replies.
Since he hasnt responded anymore, im going to let sleeping dogs lie.
Its just difficult because we are so open with fm. She didnt give him my info, he somehow got onto her myspace site and found my name. Any way, i just hope hes all talk no action!
Ok first you adopt this child and then you decide child had only one biological parent ( the mother) Did it ever occur to you that maybe this man did not want this adoption? You need to talk to him and let him have some kind of place in HIS CHILD”S life. I’m sick of everyone only caring what the birth mother had to think give the man a chance If you had a child of your own some one else took wouldn’t you be hurt and angry too if not then you don’t deserve to be anyone’s mom let alone a mom to this mans child
Dee-if this man did not want the adoption, maybe he should have spoken up sooner, or something. By law, the state has to publish names of foster children coming up for adoption in the local newspapers so if someone is looking for their child, they can come forward and express their desires. Also, the birth mom is usually the one who carries the baby for 9 months and takes care of their needs most after birth. Most birth fathers in my experience usually bolt after awhile (or have gone to jail and so are ineligible). If the man came forward, was living a clean life and the child had been taken from him by the birth mother, than yes, they deserve a chance. But people who don’t care about how many babies they create don’t care about taking adequate care of those babies either. Where do you draw the line? In my mind, the absolute safety of the children comes first, I think the author of the question did the right thing by dropping contact on MySpace.
Concerned, it’s important that we all talk about safety but let’s not lump all birth fathers into one nasty category. I’m sorry that “most” of the birth fathers you know about are lousy people but there are lots of good men out there who are cut out of the adoption discussion because of stereotypes like this so it’s really important that we don’t generalize individual experiences.
This is the sentence that concerned me
“has spent time in jail for threatening a witness with a pistol”
I have no problem communicating and visiting with DS’s first dad, who has spent time in jail for DUI…but I would have serious misgivings trusting someone who had threatened a person with a gun like that.
I probably jumped to a conclusion about restraining orders too fast based on the info presented…I thought this violent act was recent, which was incorrect upon re-reading
I have not known any adoptive parents with a violent felony such as armed witness intimidation on their records. I don’t know how someone could pass a homestudy with something like that. Though my experience is of course limited, and perhaps it happens frequently.
Also, I wouldn’t be at all quick, personally, to merely accept “people change” when they had threatened people with guns, regardless of the status of the person as an adoptive parent or birth parent or a family member of mine. I would want evidence that they had completed anger management courses, and/or undergone extensive counseling, and/or been evaluated by a professional before giving any person like that any access to my child.
I personally don’t care about non-violent offenses, but when threats and firearms are involved in a persons handling of a legal issue, I would dig pretty deep.
As I said, I was too quick to jump to the restraining order. I made a mistake and apologize, but I seem to consider this particular act more serious than you or Brandy do. I am unsure why that is.
Make no mistake – I think it IS serious, absolutely. What I just got caught up on was that the OP said that had he shown up to court that day that they would have entered into an open agreement with him at that time. So, I suppose I was questioning what changed. (As of writing this, the OP has come back and clarified, I’m just explaining where I was coming from at the time).