My daughter just released her son for adoption yesterday. I am so worried that she was misled by the agency and will have serious regrets. I know I do, but I am trying hard to support her. Where can I find the help that she and I both need?
Grieving as a grandmother, where can I find help?
– May 2, 2009Posted in: Community Wisdom
I’m so sorry that you feel she will have regrets.
The agency that she placed through should be able to offer support and counseling or direct you to someone. Otherwise do a local search for birth parent support groups. There’s a site called http://www.meetup.com that might be a good place to look.
Talking to others who have gone through it can be helpful.
I am so sorry for your pain – it is very real and valid. As an adoptive mom with very open relationship with the birthparents and grandparents, I learned how very devastating an experience it was for the grandparents, too. I wasn’t prepared for that dimension at all. I wish I knew where to guide you for help – I agree with Debbie that your agency should be able to assist with support services. Next weekend, just happens to be ‘birthmother’s day’ – May 9th, the day before Mother’s Day. Many cities are having ceremonies to honor birthmothers. This might be an opportunity to grieve with those that really understand.
Will you have any openness?
For what it’s worth, my son’s birth grandparents relationship with him evolved to be just like all of his other grandparents in his life. More love to go around.
This is all very new for you and your daughter now – wow, only a day after – try to take one day at a time for the moment. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
There should be pregnancy care centres somewhere near where you live. They are supportive of women in crisis pregnancies reguardless of whether they place or parent and whatever else. I would advise seeking out a support group that is not connected to an agency because you need unbiased support.
Please talk with you daughter. Let her know about your feelings. She could be thinking that she is all alone in her grief. You need to let her know that you care!!
Hello and welcome, I am sorry you are feeling this way. It would help if you could expand on “misled” and what you are all going through. Also was openness discussed?
I would suggest finding family counselors that specialize in grief, and hopefully adoption grief. Also, look around for first family support groups both online and in your local area.
I don’t have any suggestions beyond what has been offered already, but wanted to offer my support for you and your daughter in this hard time. Much love to you both,
Cynthia
There is a group called BirthMom Buds. They provide support and mentors, and they’re just a group of nice people.
My daughter gave birth 1 month ago today. My first grandchild was placed for adoption. My husband and I were able to help choose the adoptive family. Ipersonally wanted to keep my granddaughter. My daughter wanted to give baby girl a Mommy & Daddy. I respect my daughter’s decision but it’s very painful for me. I truly feel that I am dying. My heart aches and I cry most every day.
The adoptive parents are wonderful people. I have been to their home to visit my Granddaughter. I am confident that I will be a part of her life.
She lives several hours away and I know I can’t have the relationship as if she lived local. I feel cheated and hurt beyond belief.
I see a counselor to help with my loss. I have also joined a grief support group.
My doctor as Rx’s xanax for my extreme anxiety. I feel so out of control. It’s a bad dream.
@Eileen, Eileen, my granddaughter was also adopted by some friends of ours a little over three years ago. I know your pain. She was my first blood granddaughter and I thought I would die from losing her. I have, however been given the opportunity to be one of the grandparents she knows and loves. She is growing up to be such a happy and well adjusted child and I know her birth mother, my daughter, did the right thing for her. It took me about a year to stop crying every day, but I have now and each year gets a little easier. We have her and her family over for holidays and family functions and in effect have adopted her parents to be our other children. It hasn’t been easy. It is not the same as it would have been, had my daughter kept her, but it is better for my sweet baby to have two young parents rather than a single mom and two old grandparents. She is so lovely and deserves the best life possible. Try to count your blessings and give yourself time to heal. I promise…you will heal in time. I know how you feel. It is like giving your own baby away. People just don’t understand how much a grandparent loves their grandchildren. We love them just like we loved our own children. I have looked and looked for books on the subject and there just aren’t any. I am thinking of writing one myself. God bless you Eileen. I pray your grief moves quickly.
Thank you for your kind response. I am crying everyday. Sometimes it hits me so hard I wonder if I have any tears left. I feel alone and lost. I bought a journal and I call letters to my Grand daughter -I write something to her every day-just so she can get to know me. Like you I have looked for books on the subject and there is none. I would love to find someone who lives in my area that has been or is going through this too. God bless you for your kindness.
Eileen-I don’t know you but know exactly how you feel- I wish that there were words that could comfort you -I will pray for you every day and for your precious baby girl-that God will work this out for good in a way that we can not even imagine right now
eileen,
I totally understand where you are comming from. almost 6 years ago my daughter gave her first born up for adoption. it ripped my heart out. but even worse, my daughter had a little girl 3 years ago, and she has been in our lives. Just last week she signed papers to let the people who adopted the first child, adopt this one. my daughter has serious drug issues. i now have an attorney and I am trying to stop the adoption. my heart has never been so broken.
Angie
swaysnana@yahoo.com
Hi Eileen,
my daughter gave up a baby boy more than 2 years ago. I had feelings very similar to yours. I felt like my heart would never stop aching. We see Jacob every 4 months. I try to focus on the positive aspects of this experience. Jacob’s mom and dad fell in love with him the first moments they saw him. He is their whole world. They are energetic enough to follow him around as he explores the world. My daughter was able to finish high school and is headed for college. I am proud of her and her unselfish decision. Do I still hurt? Once in awhile and that is when I choose to knit something for him or buy something cute or write him a little story. It really helps me feel connected to him and his parents appreciate the gifts. Be kind to yourself as you grieve your loss and know that things will get better.