We recently had our son’s birthparents over for his first birthday. We haven’t really talked much about names, but I always assumed he would call them their first names. They signed their birthday card to him “mom and dad.” It was really strange looking to me. I mean, I know they ARE his parents, but in my mind, we are his mom and dad. So, should I talk to them about this? Also, what do your adopted kids call their bparents
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Yes, in my opinion, you should talk to them about it. Everything should be out on the table and each of you should be able to speak to one another openly and honestly about your feelings.
I think it’s important for you to hear their thoughts, just as I think it’s important for them to hear yours.
Right now, the adults make the decisions and as the adults, you need to come together and do that collectively and with respect to each others feelings. I will, however, go on to say that it is also important to take queues from your child as he grows older. In the future, he may want to call them something different all together – or he may want to call them mom and dad – either way, when he can make the decision, I do think the decision should be his – provided he is doing it respectfully and not out of anger.
Consider going into the conversation with some alternative names that have similar meaning to mom and dad, but aren’t mom and dad. I know a number of adoptive parents and first parents who have collectively made the decision to have the child call their first parents by mom and dad in a different language or some other equally endearing type name.
I was raised in an open adoption and for me, calling my first mother ‘mom’ just never felt right to me – however, I have had no problem calling my step-mother mom and have for years…even though I was much older when my dad and her married.
To offer another perspective as well, I am also a first mother in open adoption and when my daughter, now 13, was 11, she decided she wanted to call me mom and has done so (off and on) with the blessing of her parents (even though it totally freaked me out at first!).
Open adoption relationships are centered on trust, respect and open communication, like just about every other relationship.
One word of caution, however, is that if you haven’t had this ‘discussion’ – consider the fact that they might also be at a loss as to what is appropriate and what isn’t and simply signed ‘mom and dad’ because they didn’t know what else to put.
I’d like to think that very few people would do something to intentionally hurt someone – but I know not everyone feels that way.
Good luck and please keep us posted.
Yes, I do think you should talk to them.
We asked our daughter’s first mom what she wanted to be called and she chose her first name.
The first time they visited, we were referring to them as Mama First name and Daddy First Name. They asked us to not do so, and to simply use their first names. It was their choice.
I, personally, wouldn’t have had a problem with different variations of the titles, but that’s not what they wanted.
Kiddo calls her MyFirstName, which is cute. If he wants to call them something else later than that will be his choice.
My boys both call their first parents by Momma/Daddy First Name, except in the case of my youngest, he calls his first mom Momma Hey, which she finds cute
In our family all of the adults have a title, even those that aren’t blood related, because we consider it good manners. For instance, my kids don’t call their aunts by their first names alone, they are Aunt First Name, and they don’t call our adult neighbors and friends by their first name alone it’s Miss/Mister First Name (except where Miss/Mrs/Mr Last Name is more appropriate, such as for someone we aren’t close to). So it’s actually less confusing for the boys to call them by what their relationship actually is, yet differentiate by adding their first name.
That’s just what works for us, you’ll have to figure out what works for you guys. I will add that even though I’m comfortable with everyone’s title it is still strange for my kids to call someone else mom and dad, just like it’s strange for me to look at my younger kids and see the physical traits of someone else. It’s not bad or uncomfortable, it’s just unusual and I can’t help but recognize that.
Yes, I think you should talk to them about it. And also listen to what they have to say, of course.
We call all of our kids’ first parents by their first names; we talked about it before the adoption and after the first year and it’s what they suggested. (I don’t think we talked about Mom/Dad as possibilities, but I remember talking about Mama FirstName.) Our oldest also sometimes calls his first parents Birthmom/Birthdad FirstName, the way he does with Aunt/Uncle FirstName and Cousin FirstName. He has also at times referred to his first dad as “my Daddy” in conversation with us.
I’m the mom of a teenage boy and we have always had a great open adoption and sincere and deep relationship with his birthfamily. Yet, our son has always called them by their first names. If he is talking about them to someone else, it’s birthmom and birthdad. Their role in his life is completely valid, they are loved and important. Every family can do it their own way, but for my son (when he was little especially) “mom / dad / mommy / daddy” have always been reserved for us – those that are raising him. It is my opinion that it is not fair for birthparents to ask that of the child’s adoptive family, while the child is still so young. Our son loves his entire birthfamily immensely – and they love him back, which is something I completely validate. There is a continuum of openness of which we have been completely on the wide open side all these years, so what he calls them is HIS CHOICE at this point – the mom who raised him is “mom” and the dad who raised him is “dad.” If his heart changes on that, I am ok with it – sincerely – but it should come FROM HIM and shouldn’t be asked of him.