hello our daughter will be 5 soon, and her birth aunt (sister of birthmom) emailed me today telling me that J. is having a really hard time about reliquishment and thought I would want toknow. J. has had a really chaoitic life, with a history of abuse, and I often wondered how much she had actually let herself grieve. The trouble is, I don’t feel that I can necessarily handle hearing all of her talk about regrets,,I am not sure that is such a great thing in the long term for this relationship. I have emailed her to let her know I care, but I don’t want to open up certain topics that pertain to her decision that we cant help her with…so hard.
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I have so many questions for you. Like did you recieve your daughter at birth or later?
Was it voluntery reliquishment? or was there CPS involved or other parties making this decision ‘for her’ in a way?
As a first mom myself one of the things that really made me choose the parents I did for my son was the fact that there letter started with ‘we appreciate this is a difficult decision and time in your life’. In the months after I placed I(and even now) I never let them know anything about the grief I was going through at all. I only told them how much I appreciated contact with them. The only other thing I did that I kind of regret now was send gifts every week or every month for the first six months, until at my son’s dedication service they told me politly to ease up on the gift sending.
I think that’s part of the reason they are a little stand-offish to me now.
Giving gifts was my way of acting out the loss I felt. Others do different things to make themselves feel better.
Everyone greives differently. I could be that your daughters first mom has just come out of the ‘fog’ so to speak of all the trama shes been through and is overwhelmed with all the emotions she might have tried to suppress. I think you should not be afraid of what she is feeling. She is not even the one who told you of her feelings. She might be very upset with her sister if she finds out what she told you. I know I would if my sister did the same thing.
I have to say I don’t understand people lost to addiction and chaotic lifestyles as I have never experienced anything like that. I do feel very sorry for them and long to help them.
Sometimes the best thing to do in stay out of their lives till they sort it out themselves.
With a background of abuse and chaos, and something severe surrounding the relinquishment, I would urge her to get professional help. Let her know you care, let her know you understand her grief, but are simply not qualified to help her. Maybe you can help her find resources.
Each of us has to decide what we can or can’t advise on, and discussions we can or can’t handle. I feel comfortable discussing grief and various family and love life issues with DS’s first mom, just as I do with my friends and other family members, because she is a healthy person and a dear friend, almost like a sister. If she had unresolved abuse issues, or a history of depression or something, I would be in over my head.
I am the original poster. I may have mis-represented my daughters birthmom..she was abused as a child, and has a lot of issues of unhealthy stuff in her family dynamic. However, she is a very functional person, I love her and admire her. she has no substance abuse issues, is smart, but has a lot of scars from her growing up, in addition to the loss issues regarding relinquishment. I have always worried how she grieved , but I got counseling for myself early on, and my counselor said early on I needed to work on letting go of some of my worry about her, as it was affecting me too much and I needed to be a parent first and foremost.
I dont think that she felt betrayed by her sister, but I have lost a little sleep the past few nights, and I emailed..and just affirmed that we cared..and I think that does help.
Its hard for me (an anxious person anyway) to know that I cannot alleviate her pain..whenI try to talk to a non open adoption person (not anti, just dont get it) they think I am insane to begin with. I think I have actually worked through some of this since I posted..
this is the degree of openness we have: we have very similar sense of humors, and I had been on facebook for some time..I post pics to friends of all aspects on my life on it, and she, her sister and bro in law and brother all get to see little everyday glimpses into her life, which overall I think they enjoy, though I imagine it will ALWAYS be bittersweet. We visit in person every 3 months or so.
I was the one who posted a few months ago about my dd telling me shehated me after a visit, and now I kind of look back and think I may have read too much into it..because I kind of felt out my non adoptive mom friends and they had faced similar stuff…
thanks for being here.
I am sorry that I assumed the worst. I am glad that you have found some perpective on the things you worry about. I just wanted to say that letting a person be upset about things is actually one of the good things you can do to be a friend. I know I would want to have that ‘freedom’ to be upset without worrying that I am making people uncomfortable or that I am not ‘allowed’ to be upset or whatever. Honestly I think we all have some kind of scars whatever way we grew up. Some peoples ‘scars’ are just more obvious than others. Thanks for clearing up the relationship you have with her for me. Please forgive me for my previous post. I meant to sound more supportive.
I’m kind of late responding to this… but, was your adoption through an agency? If so, there may be a counselor there she can talk to. I LOVE my agency’s counselor
I’ve been seeing another counselor for awhile regarding some other issues, and I’ve realized that in dealing with placement, it’s really helpful to see someone who is used to dealing with that particular type of grief (most of the time you don’t have to grieve someone you see regularly). I’ve discussed certain aspects of my grief with the aparents (mentioned when I’m having a hard day and whatnot), but I try to keep the references pretty generic. I know they’ve inquired about me through our social worker, too.
I can empathize with your situation, unfortunately. Our birthmother has been emotionally draining to communicate with. She constantly sent emails about how she has nothing to live for and so I needed to email her updates every day. She has been going to counseling. In one email, she said that she realized that her “Anthony” was “no more” and had been “replaced” by Matthew (we changed our son’s name to his middle name with the birthfamily’s approval). But then in the next email, she was again referring to him as Anthony. She would panic if I didn’t respond to an email immediately and I explained repeatedly that I work and, also, if I have to choose between spending time emailing her or caring for our son, I choose our son. Next I get an email from the birthfather, who left her the day they placed our son with us, telling me that the birthmother had made a 2nd attempt on her life from her grief over the adoption and how difficult her life has been. Being a Christian, I knew about a ministry called Stephen Ministry, with specially-trained volunteers who enhance professional counseling by providing emotional support to people who are ill or grieving. I tracked down a Stephen Ministry in the city where our birthmother lives and got her connected with them. Haven’t heard from her since so she’s either doing much better or is back in the hospital…anyways, I decided I was putting too much effort into trying to support her compassionately and found another free resource to help her out…
I’m so glad you reached out and that things are better. This is where my struggle with boundaries lies!! I often want to rescue my daughter’s mom for her grief. Sometimes it’s hard to just listen and feel so helpless. Love to you and to her!!