I don’t know anywhere else to go to ask some questions. We have custody of our 4 year old neice after she was taken away by CPS since 9 months of age. One parent is incarcerated and the other has gotten out of jail but has only contacted her 2 times. We do not have an adoption, just a very solid sole custody. The fm knows all of our contact information and lives hours away. We offered days for visits but didn’t hear back from her. Should we push for contact (our lawyer said no)? We have a book with pictures and we say the fm’s name, but don’t state her “title”. We don’t want to keep everything “secret”, but we don’t want to hurt her feelings either, since we really don’t know what type of relationship fm wants, if any. We love her as our own, but it breaks my heart to think she may be yearning for another mother, but her fm is a very troubled person. How and when do we share the facts without destroying trust and inducing fear in a little person that we aren’t who we say we are, mommy and daddy? Please help if you can. I thank you in advance for your insight and understanding that this isn’t exactly on topic.
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I think it’s right on topic–you’re working out how to be open with your little girl about her family set-up.
I’d probably not worry so much about titles or what kind of contact you may have with her first mom in the future, and focus more on explaining the present. My son is around your neice’s age and he often seems more secure about situations when we just state the facts. I think it helps him interpret what he’s experiencing, gives him language and categories for what he sees. You could practice telling her a simple story about how she came to live with you and what your roles are (this is just an example, you’d obviously need to change it to something true): All babies grow inside of a mommy. She grew inside of fm and fm was her mommy when she was born and you were her aunt. Fm has an illness that kept her from being able to take care of her, so she came to live with you when she was a baby. Now you are also her mommy and daddy and will always be her mommy and daddy. You will keep her safe and she will live with you until she’s all grown up and ready to live in her own house.
I’d encourage you to start talking to her about her story sooner rather than later. My gut sense is that her trust of you would be more damaged if you wait a long time and she is left wondering why you kept it from her all that time.
I’m know there are other people at this site with family situations like yours, and I’m sure they will give you better advice!