I am really struggling with our open adoption and I am trying sooo hard to be the supportive adoptive mother to both my daughter, Laura, and the first mom, Nicole. My daughter is now 6 months old and we have already had 5 visits from Nicole. Yes, I understand she wants to see her because she loves her dearly and I also understand how bennificial it will be to Laura as she grows up to know her fm but the visits are too frequent and I can’t seem to get fm to understand this. Twice I have spoken to fm and her mom (fm is just 16) about visits being at 3, 6, 9 and 12 months for the first year and I still repeatedly get emails asking when she can visit again. We met with her the beginning of March and the next visit is scheduled for June, but I just got an email asking when she can bring the baby her easter basket. I am trying not to be a jerk but I just want some time to be mommy for a month straight without giving up one of or weekends for a visit and without having to make accomodations when visitation has already been outlined for her.
I like Nicole a lot, but with her being only 16 I am not sure she understands her role. For instance her name on myspace is Laura’s Mommy–which yes, she is, but I feel stabbed in the heart by it. She posts every pic I send her on myspace and one of her friends even wrote, “she is just so cute I could just kidnap her” causing my husband and I to get a security system installed. This is the friend she wanted to bring to my house to see the baby an we said no, family only. Nicole does not know I have seen these messages as I have a friend who is her friend on myspace who shows me the posts. (I saved the kidnapping message, but I do know it is just a 16 year old making a dumb comment with no validity)
I guess what I need to know…is it just mean and nasty to say we are busy can she just mail the easter basket? It just feels like she keeps overstepping and trying to sneak in extra visits (like halloween day too)….but then again I feel like I am wrong if I do not allow these visits because of the amazing gift of Laura she gave to us. Any advice?
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It sounds like you are both struggling with boundaries and I think you guys need to sit down and talk about it. It sounds like you both have different ideas of what Nicole’s role should be in Laura’s life and you’re having trouble meshing them.
I *just* wrote on my blog about how insecure I felt around my mother-in-law when my son was first born. (Our first child is our bio child.) We really struggled and finally had to sit down and truly hash it out because where she wanted to help, I wanted her to give me more space. Neither of us was in the wrong, really, we were just struggling with our very different expectations and it *sucked* and was very very hard for both of us. It caused us both a lot of pain until we got it all out on the table and talked it out. (There were tears on both sides — my poor husband didn’t know which way to turn!) I mean you can’t fault Nicole for not knowing that you want things to look different anymore than I could fault my mother-in-law but my gosh I fumed! And that just made it worse because the more I held it in — or danced around it — the more I found reasons to be angry with her!
But before you sit down to talk to Nicole think long and hard about what’s reasonable to expect and what isn’t. Like, it’s not really reasonable to dictate how she handles her myspace page or what her friends say. But it is reasonable to say firmly, “You can’t visit XYZ but you can visit X weeks from now.” I do think though that as you set up those boundaries that you will feel less “stabbed in the heart” by her claiming her own motherhood.
The beginning is hard — adoption or not (remember, these were feelings I had with my bio son much more than I ever did with my adopted daughter seven years later) but it’s worth investing in the relationships that will matter to your daughter. I hope and believe that you can find a compromise that will help you and Nicole both find your way and allow Laura the gift of love from all of you.
(If you want to read my post about my mother-in-law, it’s here: http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2009/03/30/behavior-regret/)
As a first mom I think the reason she wants to visit so much is because she wants to know things. I think you should tell her that you really want time to be with your daughter.
She is a teenager, as a teenager her mind is really not capable of understanding all the consiquences to her actions. I think you should get her to write down exactly what she expects from open adoption. Honestly it should encourage you to see her myspace page filled with love for your(and her) daughter. Would you really rather her not express feelings of love? Would you really rather she be dis-interested in the child she gave birth too?
My advice is this, send more pictures, updates, talk with her on the phone if you can.
She probably doesn’t understand all the care and attention a baby needs.
Also, as a teenager, her idenity will be forever rooted in the experience of being a first mom. She probably needs counselling. One of the most loving things you can do to partcipate in open adoption is to try and understand her and help her to understand you.
The beginning of open adoption is always hard, but if you give up now I can assure you you will regret it. Anything hard is always worth doing.
Oh, and I am totally with Dawn about that blog post. She is truely awesome, read and learn from her.
I totally understand! I have a similar issue with sons fm. She too is young and her myspace page says things like “myson” with”mommy” At first it too stung…BUT I realized , yup she is his mother….I am MOMMY!!! I put myself in her shoes and tried to imagine even 1 week with out my kids…impossible! We had visits outlined in our adoption being 4x a year. Honestly, as long as she continues to be safe around him, i will give her mor e,, just one more person who loves my son! Shes young, that being said, she may drop out of her life, you dont want to deal with that. I am an adopted child from a closed adoption and 1 month ago i met my FM!!! its wonderful! She will never take my MOMS place. She is my mother ie… gave birth to me,,but all we are now is friends! your daughter will always know you as mommy! just be honest, and maybe sit together and look at a 2010 calendar together and pick the days together, and let it be known that you have a family and other obligations, and those are the only times for visits unless YOU choose to give more.
I think you’ve gotten some good ideas and resources. You definitely need to sit down, without the baby, and have a talk to define boundaries. It may be a good idea to have her mother there as well, provided their relationship is good. Mom might remember what it was like to have a new baby.
With regards to the Easter basket, ask her to save it for your next visit or to mail it. It’s unclear from your post if you ever have said “no” to her. If you haven’t, then I guess there’s no time like the present, right? I have the opposite problem – I’m fairly good at saying “no”. Nicole gave you Laura so you could be Laura’s mother. You do need time to get comfortable in that role. Nicole needs to understand that. You being secure as Mommy is important for Laura’s well-being. Don’t feel guilty for asking for and taking what you need.
About the MySpace page – if your sister, mother, best friend, etc. were posting pics of your child on MySpace, and it bothered you, then you have every right to ask that person to stop. They’re your photos, so they belong to you. Giving someone a copy doesn’t give her the right to display it. Do I think you should be stringent about this? No. But if the pictures she’s posting are make you uncomfortable, then you should address it. FWIW, my aunts wouldn’t let me post pictures of their kids on my personal web site. They didn’t feel it was safe. I would argue that it’s less safe now than in the 90s.
I can’t say anything more than agreeing that a sit down about boundaries is 100% needed.
And this right here is why both adoptive families and birth families are in desperate need of open adoption counseling. If families were receiving counseling about things like boundaries and how to deal with the complications of open adoption, well, lives would be made easier. I hope that someday we achieve it.
Soon…
I remember having one of these talks a few weeks after I had placed my son with his adoptive family. I wanted more, they wanted less. I won’t lie, it was really hard to hear. I missed my baby, I missed my friendship with the whole family. But in the long run, it was actually better for me as well as for them. While they got a chance to be a family and establish their own connection with the baby, I got a chance to really heal and step away from the adoption a bit. Later, our relationship relaxed some and it’s a lot different now, but at the time, it was important for all of us to have really clear and defined boundaries. It sounds like that is what you and Nicole need too–not just for you, but for her, too. I would definitely encourage you to follow the advice that’s already been posted. Sit down, without the baby, and talk it out. It might be painful, but in the long run I think it will make everybody a lot happier.
Before adoption, I thought boundaries were in place to protect the parent’s privacy from me. After, I realized that those firm boundaries gave me a safe place. I felt better knowing exactly what to expect. And because those guidelines were firm, I knew that the parents wouldn’t try to skip visits or sending pictures either. I didn’t have to run to the mailbox every day because I knew what day pictures would arrive. I didn’t have to panic when I left my phone at home because I knew for sure when they would call. I could relax.
Also, since you mention that your f-mom is a teen, remember that teens push their boundaries. They fight against them. But they still feel safer (no matter how they rage) when the expectations and rules are clear. Being a first mom probably makes her a lot more grown up than the teens around her but it didn’t magically make her an adult.
Hi, I struggled with the same thing. We agreed to monthly visits in the first six months and that was very hard. I felt like you do, that I needed time to be a mom. Visits were emotional and draining early on in the process. When my daughter’s bmom asked if we would continue to do monthly visits after the first six months, my husband and I just told her how we felt. We set a visit schedule for once every three months after that (which is more than the once a year we originally had agreed to, but much more manageable emotionally). She did give you an amazing gift, but don’t forget, she gave Laura to you to be her mother. She wanted you to make these decisions for her and be the best parent you can be. You are already beginning a relationship that is beneficial to your daughter, you don’t have to provide access to your daughter every time her bmom asks for it. You are building this relationship for your child, not for the bmom.
About the MySpace page, she doesn’t need to have pictures of your child on there if you don’t want her too. I also think the name “Laura’s Mommy” is a little odd. She is your daughter’s birthmother, she gave her life, but she is not her “mommy” and is not performing the “mothering” role in your child’s life. I would feel upset by this too. I worry that she might be using the page to show off or that she might be giving out personal info about your family to her friends that you wouldn’t necessarily want others to have (I don’t mean online, but in conversations or if people ask about your family… and her friends must be interested if your daughter is the focus of her MS page). It may be no big deal, but you should definitely talk to her about it and tell her you don’t think it’s safe and that your family has an expectation of privacy that you’d like her respect. You definitely have the right to make these decisions and don’t have to feel bad about it.
Good luck!
I’m new here and just wanted to offer that you are not alone. In fact your story sounds exactly like ours. We are almost 3 months into an open adoption with a great FM and birth family. Although we love them, we are definitely feeling smothered by their need to be with our son. FM asked for monthly visits during the first year. It sounded like a lot to us, but we agreed so long as it made since for our family as we go along. In two and a half months we have had four visist and not just with FM but with her entire family (mom, dad, siblings, grandma, grandpa and today a good friend). It’s really becoming too much for us as we find these encounters much too frequent and unbelieveably emotionally draining. Is that normal? esterday (our most recent visit) FM was babbling to our son and was trying to get him to say “mama.” Huh??? It just doesn’t sit right with us. I guess we just assumed she would go by her first name and I would be mommy or mama, etc. We also have trouble with FM’s facebook page, where she posts every picture we send and continues to call him her son, herself mommy #1 and me mommy #2. I know technically it’s true, but it gets to me, and we are really not comforable with the internet exposure of our private life. We really want this relationship to work for all kinds of reasons but ultimately and most of all for our son. They are great people, and he will be better for knowing them. But at the moment this feels like a field of emotional landmines. I hope you find your way thru. If you find a solution, please let me know.
Thanks
Dianne32,
Sounds like you are getting it worked out with a few bumps along the way. I’ve never heard of a support group where the FM brings the baby and that definitely wouldn’t work for me. We too feel like Brittany wants to “show and tell” our son in ways that are not best for him, irrespective of the adoption. I think it’s just her imaturity. Hopefully she will grow out of it and adjust things herself. In the end we also really want this to work for our baby. I agree, the guilt that we feel often leads us to agree to things or tolerate behavior that we normally would have no problem saying no to. On the other hand, I went into our son’s room yesterday morning, as I do every morning, eager to soak up his big gummy grin and cuddly morning behavior. As I was giving him his breakfast, I thought about the fact that Brittany will never experience him in that way or in a million others that are reserved for parents. She gave us that incredible gift. So maybe in the grand design of things, a few bumps in the road regarding boundries aren’t that big of a deal. Just something to work out. I really appreciate your thoughts and wish you all the best in your future relationship with Nicole.
This also sounds familiar to me. My daughter is almost 3 and was adopted from birth. For a long time we had monthly visits, also emotionally draining. My daughter’s fm isn’t a teen, but acts like one because she has been mentally ill through her adult life so is very self-involved.
Thankfully, her family has been supportive in understanding that we need boundaries and we have simply cut back to seeing her once a month. at first it just worked out that way because of vacations or fm going through a difficult period. but now we see her every 2nd month and it feels less stressful.
L and lynnmcc, our stories do sound similar. I have not found a solution, but I think everyone is right when they say we need to sit down and tell them our feelings too. Trying to get the baby to say “mama” wouldn’t sit right with me either, and I personally tend to clam up and not say anything in response to those situations. I need to learn to put my foot down and request we stick to the outlined boundries without feeling guilty. I would also find it a bit much for so many people to be coming for the visits. We did say family only the first time asked.
When I first posted my original question it all stemmed from an extra visit to bring an Easter basket for the baby…I did set up a visit for her to bring it over (despite our repeated desire for visits at 3, 6, 9, 12 months) and—she forgot the basket. Now, maybe that was the truth, but I also feel a little manipulated. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt but deep down that didn’t sit right either. Then one other thing Nicole said made me pause. She said the girls at the teen preg support group she still went to kept asking where Laura (my daughter) was (as in why didn’t Laura come with you?) I thought…What? She isn’t a show and tell item…nothing but home visits were ever discussed. I didn’t really respond because I didn’t know what to say, and my husband wasn’t there to respond because he wasn’t home and I still scheduled the visit because I felt bad and wanted her to be able to bring this easter basket over. I did end up saying we’d just do the basket at the next scheduled visit.
When it came to what my daughter was going to call Nicole, maybe we should have, but we didn’t give any options. We automatically used her first name.
I just want everyhing to work out and for the visits to be a positive experience for Laura. I think there is this guilt as newly adoptive parents and as we are setting up these boundries we try to be sensitive to everyone’s feelings, sometimes at the expense of our own. Thank you to everyone for your advice. It really does help to hear so many perspectives and I’m able to take in many points of view to help me along the way.