We have our daughter (aged 3) through a private arrangement with a birthmom. Her parents are well known to us and our circle of friends. Birth mom raised our daughter for a couple months, then placed her with us for temporary care, eventually agreeing to terminate her rights to facilitate adoption. Birth mom also has an older child (10) and a 5 year old; they are both raised by birthmom’s parents. Birthgrandparents are people with some pretty major character issues and while I don’t mind some friendly contact, they are not people that I can warmly embrace as family. I love birthmom although she continues to live a life of drug abuse and irresponsibility.
We have several children in our family and our adoptive daughter is the youngest. Our children know our daughter’s bio-siblings. The oldest bio-sibling has been hurt plenty and has offensive behaviors that have not gone unnoticed by our older children.
As we discussed details of adoption, I expressed a strong desire regarding the names that would be used. I admit that I didn’t ask for input from the b-family. I simply stated…. “This is what I expect.” The birthmom and grandparents agreed to this… That birthmom and grandparents would be referred to by first names. We would reserve “grandma and grandpa” as titles for grandparents shared by all of the children in our family. Because I find the characters of the birthgrandparents offensive, I feel pretty strongly about this.
I also had a request that we could never agree on. I told the family that when I spoke to our daughter, I would refer to biological siblings as (birthmom’s) children. In time, she will make a connection that birthmom’s children are her biological siblings. Also, I refer to bio-grandparents as (birthmom’s) mom and dad. I requested that when they spoke to the bio-siblings, (who were then 8 & 2) that they refer to our daughter as (our children’s) sister, or as (birthmom’s) biological daughter, or as (my) daughter. The 8 year old had never been raised in the same home and had only minimal contact with our daughter. This request was met with great resistance. Eventually, birthmom and I went to visit an adoption counselor. Admittedly, she was not particularly pro-open adoption. She felt that rather than try to explain the changes in relationship to the older b-sibling, that we should simply keep contact to a minimum… no more than one contact each year. She felt that this would give the two siblings raised by grandparents a chance to grow together as family and would allow the older b-sibling a chance to heal from her loss of a biological sister. Because we couldn’t agree on terms for biological siblings, my request was simply that they would refrain from using the term “sisters.” This has NOT happened.
We have had little contact in the past year. Perhaps 3 contacts from the bio-mom (I’d love to have more). And 5 contacts with bio-grandparents and siblings… this happens when they show up at community events they believe we will attend. We also all had one planned visit in our home…. I had hoped for a couple of hours, but it ended up being a 5 hour visit. At this time, bio-grandma referred to our daughter as her “granddaughter” and to her husband as “grandpa.” She used the term “sisters” many times when referring to bio-siblings. Older bio-sister also used this term many times.
So, I’d like to put severe limits on contact with family other than bio-mom… I’d like to leave the events they show up at and limit planned contacts to a couple of hours once each year. I want to be there when our daughter understands that birth-mom’s kids are her sisters. I’d like to affirm that if she’d like (and they’d like) she can refer to them as such (or not). I don’t want her to come to an understanding because of something said by an older bio-sibling, bio-grandparent, or other person in the community who has become accustomed to hearing those terms. Really, I’m not sure that she’ll like the association. Yes, those are my feelings coming out!
My questions…. Am I way out of line in my expectations? Am I making too big of an issue out of this? I acknowledge that one of bio-grandma’s faults is that she does whatever she pleases without consideration of others and I’m ticked that she is doing this with me… sweetly smiling and agreeing and then doing whatever she pleases.
Is insisting on limited contact with bio-siblings and grandparents for the time-being an appropriate response? I think I’m more comfortable with contact once my daughter understands the relationships and chooses them for herself. This does not include birthmom… I’d love for them to have more contact.
I really want to do right for all involved, but mostly for my daughter since I have a responsibility to protect her. I have battled fears and definitely don’t want to do wrong because of some untamed and unfounded fears. Can anyone shed some light for me?
I understand that titles are meaningful and that you’re worried your daughter might be confused. On the other hand, the other children ARE her sisters and those ARE her grandparents and I guess I’m wondering what’s the barrier for you exactly? And if you are waiting for her to figure it all out, how will she do this if you’re not helping her put 2 and 2 together?
The reason I ask about the barrier is because I’m not clear if it’s about concern that she’ll be confused or that it’s particularly about the boundaries w/grandparents (in which case it’s totally understandable but I feel like focus needs to be back on your daughter’s needs and the needs of her biological siblings).
If it’s the first, I think adoption IS confusing but that using the proper terms early on helps alleviate confusion. I had half-sisters growing up and even though I used (and use) “sister” with them, my emotional attachment is different than it is to the siblings who grew up in my home with me. (One of my half-sisters is older and two are younger.) Other people get confused by my family configuration but I understand it and I only use the term “half” to clarify it for the folks who don’t quite get it.
Obviously I disagree with the therapist. I think what the bio siblings need is to understand that they have a biological sister who lives with you, period. Pretending that she’s NOT their sister will just tell them that her adoption is an underground, shameful thing instead of simply the reality in their family. Some of them may have more trouble with this than others. My oldest (full) sister always always always missed the presence of my oldest half sister in our family (she was not a part of our life, we only met her twice while growing up) and I didn’t much think about it. And she embraced the arrival of my youngest half sisters while I had a hard time accepting them. Different kids just process things differently but I believe honesty really is always the best policy.
I guess I think that this is about unpacking your emotional ties to terms and figuring out whether trying (and not succeeding and feeling frustrated and counting up yet more ways the biological family has disappointed you) to control the language is worth it. Your daughter will ultimately make her own decisions about who matters to her as family and who doesn’t — trying to force issues with the names likely won’t impact that except that it might drive some of it underground. Instead I would focus on enforcing other more pressing boundaries with first family (sounds like you have your hands full there).
I’m not entirely sure I follow all of this correctly, but your older children know that your little daughter’s bio-siblings live with their bio-grandparents, right? But the little adopted daughter doesn’t know that these people are her relatives at all? I guess my advice would be to focus on making that clear to her now so that it’s no big deal and not surprising or unsettling when she does learn this information, since there are plenty of opportunities someone in either family or in the community might slip up and say something to her.
My partner was adopted by her grandparents and as a child went through many different stages in family terminology, including a period of time when she called her grandparents “Mom and Grandpa.” While that might seem pretty weird or creepy from the outside, it’s what she was doing developmentally and in terms of attachment to understand her relationship with them. Even now, she talks about her 70-something adopted older sister (bio aunt) as her sister and also her 30-something bio-half-sis as her sister; though I’ve never heard her refer to her biodad (now deceased) as her brother, I think she sometimes thought of him that way. It doesn’t always make sense to people who don’t know the situation, but it makes sense to her, which is the important part. And this isn’t such a rare event. Lots of people call step-Grandpa “Grandpa” even though there’s no blood tie, or have “Aunt Susie” who’s actually a family friend.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really hope your daughter’s bio siblings, also children, are free to feel whatever they feel about their relationship to her and her adoption. I don’t think your daughter’s bio sibs should be told not to call her their sister if that’s what it feels like she is to them. I mean, she was their mom’s child their mom raised for a time. It’s possible they’re being manipulated by their birthgrandma/adopted mom, but it also seems pretty likely to me that they’re just being honest. I don’t know how your children feel about the terminology they’re told to use, but if they understand adoption it shouldn’t be difficult for them to see that whatever you call these older bio siblings they are siblings, though not in the same sense the adopted siblings living in your home are her siblings. I just worry because it sounds like the two bio-sibs adopted by their bio-grandparents have already lost a lot and taking a “sister” away from them — even if just by asking them not to use that word — strikes me as potentially unkind.
I can see that you have very strong feelings about this, but it seems like a losing battle to fight biology. I mean, these people are biologically her siblings and her grandparents even if they no longer have that legal connection to her. I realize a lot of families have conflicts about who gets to be Grandma and who gets to be Nana and I just don’t see this as significantly different. Maybe instead of giving them an ultimatum you can explain that you’d like a different non-grandparent name that your daughter can call them.
I know your first worry is your daughter, but none of us get to choose our bio families and many of us end up with some duds in that line. Part of growing up is just learning how to deal with this. At some point, your daughter is going to have to confront the lives her first mom and her extended first family will be part of that regardless of what you call them. I don’t know if coddling her or covering up the truth will make any of that easier on her, but I certainly suspect not. Even in your community, people are going to know her as your child because you’re raising her. I don’t know you or your situation, but I don’t think you need to worry so much.
I can understand your temptation to try to make things less complicated, but adoption is complicated, period. If the first family knows you and sees you, I think that using the accurate terms is the best way to go. It will be confusing in the short term, but in the long run things will be simpler, I think, especially when others aren’t using the same naming system.
And as Dawn pointed out, I strongly disagree with the therapist. I can’t stand when counselor’s claim to have adoption experience but don’t get the basics of open adoption.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do!
You said, “I admit that I didn’t ask for input from the b-family.”
Problem number one – open adoption relationships are just like any other relationship – there HAS to be collective agreement and compromise in order for it to work. You would hardly allow your husband to dictate matters in your marriage – so as you can see, being the relationship dictator in OA only lends itself to creating difficult situations within your relationship. My advice would be to step back on dictating the terms of the OA – you hold all the cards at this point – of course they are going to agree…they’d likely agree to shave their head and wear togas to a visit, if it was a demand you made.
Just because someone agrees with something you’ve said doesn’t mean they think your right – the alternative to agreeing to your terms could be far to difficult for them to even fathom – so they are simply doing whatever it takes to make you happy, so that they can continue to be a part of the child’s life.
As far as the confusion factor – there is nothing more confusing than having your world be one way, then half way through it all, you discover that your sense of reality is, in fact, incorrect and that your parents have been a party to this big ‘game’ of ‘keep away’ involving your life story (and surprise! You’re the only one who doesn’t know the truth!). Talk about confusing…the only people you are supposed to be able to trust unconditionally have lied to you – by omission. That, in my opinion, is confusing!
You asked, “Am I way out of line in my expectations?”
My answer is yes, you are. You are way out of line because you are asking people to take part in the lie you are creating about your daughter’s roots, they are refusing to take part in it and now you’re trying to cut them off because they want to be honest to her.
This isn’t 1960 – there is no shame in your daughter’s history. To treat it as something to be ashamed of could lead your daughter to feel ashamed of herself or her story. Shame is a very dangerous thing…
Adoption means that your child joined your family in a different way. That means her story is going to be different from the story of your other children. Part of embarking on the journey of adoption is realizing that it’s not the same as giving birth – there will be differences and you will need to address those.
My question to you is, how is your daughter ever going to understand the relationships if you continue to lie to her about them by omission? How will springing the truth on her when she is older make any of this easier for her?
Her reality is, she has two families – a birth family and an adoptive family – they CAN (and do!) coexist in the world and if she’s presented with the facts of her situation, there is no reason for her to be confused.
I am an adult, raised in open adoption as well as a birth parent, who placed a daughter in open adoption 13 years ago.
I have never been confused about my situation – but then again, I was never lied to about it. I’ve always known I had a birth mother, a brother and grandparents who loved me.
My advice would be to find out why this is bothering YOU so much. Then, work on creating a collaborative relationship with your daughter’s birth family and by that, I mean work together to make decisions regarding the relationship.
Sometimes, we have to make immeasurable sacrifices for the best interest of our children…sometimes, it even hurts so bad you may feel you can’t go on…but you do and you will.
The answer to the question in the subject line is, Yes, you can.
But of course, it’s much more complicated than that.
I see a few similarities with my situation, so I’m going to briefly describe that. My son is 3, and we live too far away for visits, but we do keep in touch via phone and letters (on my end).
Birthmom (S) has two children whom she parents, one boy and one girl. Jack knows that these children are his brother and sister. (I admit that I didn’t tell Jack about his sister until I had a picture of her, because I didn’t feel comfortable explaining her to him without a concrete example.) S also has a mother (O) and a father (L) (“as so many of us do”). O is an active part of S’s life, but L isn’t. Jack has seen pictures of them, but I just call them “S’s mom” and “S’s dad”. For me, this has more to do with the connotations of the term “grandparent”. Neither O nor L is a part of Jack’s life, so I don’t feel that they get to be called “Grandma and Grandpa”. I feel that’s a privilege – I know that biologically it’s not, and I don’t deny the biological connection, I just don’t use the words. Because we don’t see them, it’s never been an issue, however.
Your child’s siblings are her siblings. They are her sisters. Frankly, if my 3 year old can understand that, then I’m pretty sure other preschoolers can as well.
Work with the bio-grandparents to come up with terms that feel comfortable to all of you. If they introduce your DD as their “granddaughter”, they’re right. If they insist upon calling themselves her “grandparents”, they are. But, if the use of the words “Grandma and Grandpa” are reserved, then they should respect that. But, you need to come up with something else that they can live with too.
To echo others, yes, you are way out of line with your expectations. As somebody up there said, “You can’t fight biology.”
Thank you so much for you responses! I really do want to get this right, and don’t know anyone who understands or supports our desire for continued openness in this relationship. I see that I need to clarify, not just what I’m telling you, but also what the real issues are for me. I feel a little attacked by some of the responses… do you mind reading more? I’d love to know if more information changes your opinions, or if you still feel I’ve got it all wrong? I’m pretty confused right now.
To clarify… birthmom and I talked everything over. I heard her desires and she heard mine. She and I were in complete agreement with everything except that I wanted her to explain the changes that were happening to her oldest child… she told her daughter that the baby was “living with us.” (Like her other children were living with grandparents) I wanted her to explain that the change was permanent and that baby was now part of our family, that she would now be known by our name, a daughter to my husband and me, and a sister to our children. I also wanted her to refrain from referring to our daughter as “sister” to her older b-siblings. This was not to deny the past relationship, but to define the new. We never agreed on this. We also agreed that while we would acknowledge the biological connection, our daughter would not call bio-grandparents, grandma and grandpa. She and I BOTH wanted this.
Part of the issue was that we saw bio-grandparents and siblings frequently (every week) in the community. When we would meet, the oldest sibling would scream at my children, “Give me my sister!! She’s mine, I want her…” Our children had been instructed to graciously surrender the little one, and they did. I felt that they were unkind to not let this sibling in on a new relationship that everyone else in the community knew about. This is why the counselor suggested to simply limit contact… birth family refused to let oldest sibling in on the truth about what happened. It was partly for birth-sibling’s protection. I’m confused about why some of you disagree so strongly with counselor. Does this information change your opinion?
I’ve never wanted to pretend anything. I just don’t want the “sister” or “grandpma, grandpa” term any more that I want my daughter to call her birthmom, “mommy.” Our daughter has a new family and a biological family. I agree, this is not shameful! In fact, I think it is beautiful. I want her to grow up knowing her roots. I also want her to know that I’m her mom and M is her birthmom. That my daughter’s are her sisters, and that A is her birth-sibling.
Someone mentioned using accurate terms, another said I am creating a ‘lie about my daughter’s life.” Is it not accurate to say birth-mom, birth-grandparents, birth-sibling? It seems more inaccurate to call someone we don’t live with and don’t know, “sister.” Likewise, birthmom is fully our daughter’s mother biologically, but it is unlikely that she’ll ever call her “mom.” I think I AM using the accurate terms. I think this is fully the truth. I think they lie by omission when they tell the siblings that the little one “will be living with…” She isn’t living with me! She is my daughter! If birthmom chooses to give up her title as mom, why don’t bio-grandparents and siblings likewise give up their titles?
It is the grandparents that I didn’t discuss titles with…they volunteered that they had planned a move, and would move away and step out of our daughter’s life. They did move away a year ago…. I told them that when we did have contact, they would not be called grandma/pa. I told them that we fully acknowledge the biological relationships, but that we wouldn’t use the titles (according to my agreement with birth mom). However, when I introduced them, I usually referred to them as the bio-grandparents of my daughter. I just don’t call them “Grandma or Grandpa.”
It was originally our (mine and birth mom) intention that bio-mom would see our daughter frequently (6 – 12 times per year) We also expected that bio-grandparents and siblings would see her infrequently (once or twice a year). It hasn’t really worked out this way. Birthmom came maybe 3 times last year. She seems comfortable with her relationship with me, but uncomfortable with our daughter. Birthgrandparents with siblings have shown up 5 – 6 times last year.
Someone mentioned that grandparents earn the title… We raised our little one (and the younger bio-sibling) for almost a year before coming to an adoption agreement for our daughter and transferring the sibling to grandparents. We did this because birthgrandparents didn’t feel they could handle the responsibility but birthmom needed to rehab. We did it as a gift to birthmom and her children and there was no intention whatsoever for adoption. We bore full financial responsibility. We purchased all clothes (they came in rags), toys, diapers, formula… There was a very small amount of money set aside by birthmom for the care of those 2 children… birthgrandma spent it rather than bringing it over. Birthgrandma has often begged me to provide care for the older siblings, but has never offered anything reciprocal. They’ve never once brought a gift, never made an offer, never called to talk to our daughter, never called to inquire about her well-being. However, I do believe they care. So, have they earned a title?
I do tell my daughter the reality, but to date, I’ve given most of the information in relationship to M (birthmom). I’ve said, “You were in M’s womb, A& B (bio siblings) were in her womb and are her children (even though she’s not raising her children, this is the term used in their family) P & S are M’s dad and mom.” I have also less commonly, but with increasing frequency, referred to them as “biological siblings, biological grandparents, & birth mother.” These are all terms that I’m comfortable with. I don’t intend to hide these relationships. Do I need to go further in spelling out relationships? She has only just turned 3.
I guess I have two issues… one is boundaries. P & S agreed to certain things and they aren’t living up to them. They agreed to step out, but show up at our social events for the very obvious purpose of being with us. They say, “We came to see you.” I’d be MUCH happier if they called and asked to see us. Also, they agreed that our daughter would use their names rather than the terms grandma or grandpa… even though I didn’t ask for their opinion in this, I feel like they should stand by the agreement between bio-mom and myself and the same agreement made between them and us… even if they felt pressured to agree… they DID say, “yes” to my request. They have never agreed to avoid the use of the word “sister,” but know very clearly that I feel very strongly about that. When they show up, they call to their grandchildren, “Come see your sister, go with your sister…” endlessly! I’d just like them to say, “Come see K.” I can handle A & B calling our daughter their sister, but feel frustrated that biograndma, pushes the term.
Another issue is who the birth family is… P, biograndma is not a woman that I like. She is dishonest by cheating others, she tells many lies, she takes advantage of people (asks friends to watch the children for a few hours and returns late the following day, hires babysitters but then doesn’t pay…) Because of her behaviors, she is not liked by any of the people I know. Oldest sibling, A, is an unpleasant child most likely because of wounds, and is also disliked by most who know her. I guess, if these were people who were pleasant, I’d have very little issue with the terms. If I liked or admired them, I may even be pleased to use those terms. I’m feeling that as our daughter grows and discovers who these people are that she won’t want others in our community to refer to them as her grandma and sister. I’d like that choice to be hers. I really believe that I’ll be okay with my daughter choosing to call P her grandma or A, her sister if she is okay with it. I don’t want others in the community doing it. I want her to have a choice.
I don’t think I’m concerned about confusion for my daughter, I think my concern is that she feels safe and that she has some choice.
The biological grandparents love us and wish for us to be more like a blended family (now we are one big happy family). They’ve often suggested that we adopted the whole family… not an idea that I care for. I prefer to see us as old family/new family, with a break in there (you have your family and we have ours). Am I the one that is missing something? Bio-mom seems disinterested.
Whatever my feelings, I try to express love and care where ever I am and whoever I’m with… I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone, least of all any of the children. The bio family has no idea that I’m so frustrated because I always speak kindly about my desires. At the same time, I haven’t left any room for them to be confused about my wishes.
My plan has been that we’ll politely leave social events that they show up at… not run the moment they appear, but visit politely for a few minutes and then excuse ourselves. We did this the last time they showed up. I need to mention here that in 3 years, they have only asked for one visit. The remainder of the time, they just show up. I don’t see this as “cutting them off” as someone suggested… this is setting a boundary that I’m comfortable with. I have asked them to call for visits and I doubt I’d ever have the heart to deny them. I just don’t want them showing up at my son’s basketball game…
So, tell me, has your opinion changed? Did I not give enough information the first time? Do you all feel comfortable with contact whenever a bio-family member chooses to show up? Even if you are comfortable with the “sister” or “grandma” thing for your family, do you believe that I’m telling a lie in the way I’m approaching it? Can anyone understand why I’d like my daughter to be free to choose those titles as she gets older? It may look like I’m looking for sympathy, but really I’m searching for perspectives. I want to be kind and honest and fair… Thanks so much for your time!
Thanks, Dawn. Thanks for your kind assessment. I desperately want a healthy open adoption. I can’t find one person who suggests anything other than to shut the doors on it. I’m so confused and believe that if I could truly understand the issues from both sides, that we could move forward with wisdom.
I’m rather computer challenged. I did create an account, but don’t have a clue how to move this discussion to the forum. Are you asking me to copy and paste my posts into the forum? Can you give me some practical help?
I ran across this today and thought it a propos for here:
In the Shona culture, all elder females in a family are called Mothers. The Aunt is a mom, a sister is a mom, a Grandmother is a mom.
If only we could learn from other cultures.
I have to agree with Dawn, completely.
I also wanted to add that you can’t erase those relationships by calling them something else. You seem looking for euphemisms where none are needed, and where they may actually add to any problem.
I would suggest addressing the serious issues of boundaries and contact schedules, and drop this whole terminology topic, which I can’t see leading to anything but frustration.
Best wishes to you.
ETA: There are many names for grandparents that aren’t Grandma and Grandpa if those are special for you. My DS has a Nana, a Meemaw, a Granny, 2 Nana and three great grandmas with different names than any of them
Anonymous, I think your issues go way way behind something that can be covered in a FAQ (frequently asked question) post, which is really more general. Why don’t you move this to the forum? You can create an account that can’t be tracked to you and really go back and forth in this discussion. I appreciate your struggles but focusing on the terminology isn’t what you need right now — your issues with your daughter’s first family go way beyond names and are more about how you’re going to healthfully raise your daughter when you have to deal with these people who aren’t respecting you or their daughter (your daughter’s first mom).
I really encourage you to move this to the forums where you can talk at length since the comments section can be pretty unwieldy.
I would just copy and paste this very last one and then either you or I can go in and add the link to that post here in the comments. Thanks for sticking around!