I am a single mother of three. I am also 30 weeks pregnant. I decided on adoption the moment I found out, but I am now having doubts. I do not have much of a support system and have already chosen a family for my child. I am just now doubting my decision because I am worried that I may not have thought it out enough. If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreciate it as I have no one to confide in.
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If in doubt, do nothing at this time is my advice. You can choose to place anytime, you are under no time constraints, but if you change your mind AFTER placement you’re kind of stuck unfortunately. I would do whatever is needed to prepare to take your baby home, and make any further decisions after that.
Don’t let the fact that you have already chosen a family put undue pressure on you to follow through. They will be sad if you decide not to place, but they will get over it and be ok. I know from personal experience.
Here in northern California there are several organizations for women facing difficult pregnancies (Chicks in Crisis is one). They are not affiliated with any adoption agency, attorney, etc so their focus is truly on helping women work through the difficult decisions and finding resources for both parenting and placing. Is there something similar where you live?
I agree with the others – find resources and especially plan on taking your baby home for a few days at least. If after you’ve met your child and have tried parenting you decide that adoption really IS the best choice, then you can always still place.
If you’re uncomfortable bringing your child home with your other children there, you should be able to request cradle care until you’re confident with your decision.
I’m waiting to adopt a baby, just like the family you chose, and I want you to know that if I was in their position I would want you to keep your baby unless you were absolutely 100% certain you wanted to relinquish him or her for adoption. As the other posters pointed out so well, you can always change your mind and choose to place your child for adoption later on. Without knowing much about your specific situation, I really encourage you to plan to bring your baby home with you and to identify and access every resource you can find to help you parent. Adoption will always be there; you can always change your mind and place your child later on. It doesn’t work the other way around.
I’ve thought about this a lot lately, and I know would never, ever, ever want to adopt a child if his or her parents were having doubts about relinquishing, even if we’d already been matched–even if they baby had already been born! I’d be sad and disappointed, but I’d get over it, and ultimately I know in my heart I’d be happy that that child and its mother were able to stay together. I’d never get over knowing I’d separated a child from a mother who still actually wanted, deep down, to raise him or her. I can’t speak for the couple you’ve matched with, but I hope that they’d feel the same way.
You don’t owe anything to the family you’ve chosen (and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise), but you do owe it to yourself and your baby to make the right decision for both of you. Have you heard the saying “adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”? That’s not how it should be. It sounds like some of the things that are causing you to consider placement might be temporary problems (even if they don’t feel that way right now)–finances, relationships, etc. If you were able to solve those problems, what choice would you want to make? If you’d choose to parent your child, then you might want to take some time to sit down and figure out what you can do to solve those problems or at least make them a little less pressing. Is there anyone at all who can help you figure out all your options and identify every resource that’s potentially available to you? A friend, relative, co-worker, acquaintance, a social worker or public health nurse you trust, anyone at all? I bet there are organizations or resources in your area that can help. Do you have any religious or spiritual affiliation? Some religious groups can be real jerks, especially to struggling moms, but others can be really helpful, loving, and non-judgemental, and offer real practical supports like childcare, support groups, meals, etc. If you feel comfortable giving your general location (state or city) I’m sure some of the people here will help you look into your options and so you can arrange the support you need.
Since I’m not an adoptive parent, an adoptee, or a first mom, my experience is really limited, but this is something I feel really passionately about–my heart physically hurts when I hear of mothers relinquishing their children when they don’t want to or don’t need to–so I apologize if any of what I said is unhelpful or out of line. Hopefully the other experienced posters here will chime in with advice.
You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Do what you think is best for YOU and YOUR baby. The adoptive parents should not play a role in your decision. I think if you ask for help, you will find there is tons of support waiting for you to ask, all you have to do is ask. I don’t know what you need or where you are. I just believe with all my heart that if you have any doubts, you should go with what is best for YOU and YOUR baby. I whole-heartedly regret placing my son.
I could have easily parented him, there was alot of support available to me but I just failed to ASK! As much as I wouldn’t choose to change my sons life now because it is the best way he can live now, I know I can’t even if I wanted to. I made my decision with in a very narrow minded way. I thought way too much about the feelings of the adoptive parents, even before I even met them, and not enough of my instincts to parent.
You are already a mom, you probably have relied on the support of others before, ask the ones who helped you before, it can’t hurt to be ready to parent your own baby.
BTW, why do you have doubts? Something about the couple? Something about the agency? Just something about wanting to parent? Go with your gut, I ignored my gut and only looked at the bare facts, there’s more to life than that.
I’m an adoptive mom. Before we adopted our son, we had three matches that each fell through. Two fell through before the birth and one fell through a few days after the baby was born. Even though it was painful for us, we were also SO glad that those mothers had found support to help raise their child. Like a previous poster said, I would never, ever want to adopt a child and later learn that the first mom had doubts or wished that she hadn’t placed. Don’t worry about the couple you have chosen — even if they don’t know it, they will be fine if you decide to parent. You’ve still got time before the baby is born to explore parenting more and get prepared for that possibility. Best of luck to you in making the decision that is right for you and your baby.
Here’s an organization that can help you find supports and resources for parenting your baby:
http://birthright.org/
They have chapters all over North America–just click on the “Locations” button and enter your ZIP or postal code. They’re not involved with any religious groups or political organizations or anything like that. Their Services page says they provide:
* Completely confidential help
* Friendship and emotional support
* Medical referrals
* Legal referrals
* Educational assistance and referrals
* Maternity and baby clothes
* Housing referrals
* Referrals to social agencies
* Referrals for professional counseling
* Information on:
o Prenatal development
o Job search/career development
o Adoption
o Pregnancy & childbirth
o Child care options
o Child safety issues
I’m an adoptive parent to two kids, one international and one domestic (open). Three months before we adopted our youngest, we had a failed adoption. The family had chosen us 10 weeks before the baby was born, met with us twice, shared play dates with us, gave us ultrasounds, reassured us over and over that this was what they wanted, etc. When the baby was born, he was brought to us immediately, and we spent two days bonding with him and brought him home from the hospital. An hour later his family called and demanded we return him, which we did immediately. It turned out that the mother had been having doubts about placing him since the beginning, but didn’t communicate her desire to parent her son to anyone else. Please, PLEASE, if you are having any doubts, tell the PAP’s now. They will be grateful to you for being honest with them, and will be able to grieve the loss of their dream child MUCH easier if you let them down now instead of after the birth. If you want to raise your child, there are organizations and social programs in place that can help you. Speak with your social worker at the agency you are using to put you in contact with these types of supports.
If adoption is the best solution to your situation, accept nothing less than an open adoption. Our daughter’s first mother has told me how much having an open adoption has helped her, and I am grateful that I can parent her daughter and give her peace of mind.
I hope you find peace with your decision, whatever that may be.
Please consider talking to an adoption-competent counselor about your feelings. I don’t know where you are based, but there are resources like The Center for Adoption Support and Education (301-476-8525) where you can find the safe support you need in order to make the best choice for you. C.A.S.E. is based outside of Washington, D.C. – but there are phone consultations that can take place, or our experts may know of someone near you.