Why don’t first FATHERS get the same consideration as first moms. I know in some situations it doesn’t work out. I can’t help but wonder if people want to ’write off’ a first father before he gets a chance to prove he cares.
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Why don't first fathers get the same consideration as first moms?
– February 27, 2009Posted in: Community Wisdom
As much consideration from whom? The adoptive parents? The first mom?
Our relationship with first dad is not anywhere near as comfortable and “family-like” as with first mom, but we keep in touch with him and the door is open. He will be here for a 3 day visit tonight as a matter of fact.
I gotta tell you, Cindy, I have had to work hard on first father stuff just because my own experiences pre-Madison and then our situation now. I really need to work on understanding and compassion in this arena.
From whom? yes, from everyone! I think though that my son’s first dad is more family oriented than I am because he is married and expecting a child and I am not. It just seems sometimes in the ‘adoption world’ that the focus is no the first mom when that is not fair to the first dad!
I am a first father, as the terminology goes – I’m still learning it all as I am new to these support forums. Why don’t first dads get as much consideration as first moms? It’s an easy answer… In the statistical population of men who impregnate women before either are ready to be parents, our track record in terms of involvement and emotional investment is bleak at best. Given the first obligation of all involved in open adoptions is to the emotional wellbeing and support of the child, it’s natural for the moms and adoptive dads to frame the expectations of first dad involvement in realistic terms. As a first dad, I see no reason to feel slighted or marginalized because we have to step up to the plate and earn the same kind of trust and respect that first moms are more liberally afforded. Generally,first moms and dads are NOT EQUAL in either the amount of ‘trauma’ involved in giving a baby up or in the emotional long term impact the kind of long term relationship we maintain has on the child. Maybe it is partly cultural, but it most certainly is a primitive biological driver. I think that much is obvious. What in fact is the problem with having to prove yourself given the stakes involved? It’s an obligation we should embrace and seriously fulfill if we want to be that kind of first dad.
Wow Kelley, well put!
My son’s biological father chose not to be a part of his life. So, he doesn’t get any consideration, frankly. I had hoped to be able to contact him someday to get some info for Jack, but his behavior to Jack’s birthmom since his birth is not encouraging.
I would like to agree that it’s a matter of effort an involvement. A first mother, in giving birth and making that sacrifice, has given an inherent sort of involvement and effort. For a first father, it often takes a little something extra to match that.
I’m adopted myself, and I just have to say that my birthdad is one of the most cherished people in my life. Where my first mother is essentially MIA most of the time, I’ve been able to develop a long-lasting and wonderful relationship with my first father and his family. So, power to all first fathers!
It is a well-known fact that this is the fatherless generation. Men do not have accountability in this department. They have earned the title of “absentee father”. The difference between moms and dads in any situation is that dads have no physical connection to the child and are able to walk away from the minute of conception and never look back, physically anyways. Whereas for mothers, we have to carry the child for the first 9 months of it’s life. We don’t have the choice of not forming an attachment of some kind. We can’t walk away before it even begins. And let’s face it, we as women are emotional beings. We have an emotional attachment that men probably can’t even comprehend at that point. I’m not saying that men cannot grow to love their children very deeply, I’m just saying they have to stick around for that to happen and statistically, they don’t.
I am still trying to process this in my own situation. I was with my son’s father for less than 6 months when I found out I was pregnant. Our relationship was one of convenience to say the least. He was the big shiny college football star and I was the girl next door, literally. Looking back, I may have cared about him, but to him I was just “convenient” and that was as far as his feelings went. I know that because of the other girls I later found out about.
Needless to say, he begged me for an abortion from the day I told him and had absolutely nothing to do with the entire pregnancy. He didn’t even meet with the lawyer to talk about the adoption paperwork until a week before I delivered, although I had been asking him to do it for months. He has had nothing civil to say to me since we ended things about 3 months after I got pregnant.
The adoptive parents wanted to know as much as they could about him and really wanted to meet him and know him but he would have none of it. When he filled out the paperwork for the adoption he asked for letters and pictures but couldn’t even come to the hospital to see his son once. My sons parents want him to know where he came from. They will tell him who is first dad is and I gave them pictures to show him. If by some miracle his father goes on to play professional football, he will see him on TV and know that is his first dad. I don’t know if they will ever meet; part of me hopes they never do. But that is my son’s decision, not anyone else’s and it is his right.
As I said, I am still trying to process my own experience but I also believe it is important to remember that every situation is unique. There are truly some dirtbags out there who simply do not care. But at the same time, just because a man cannot be there and be supportive doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. I’m not saying it’s ok for a guy to walk away from a girl he impregnanted; I’m just saying nobody really knows what he is thinking or feeling, often he doesn’t even know – hence the absence.