When we submitted our profile to our facilitator we had requested a semi-open adoption; meaning, we were happy to meet the biological parents prebirth but that post birth the ongoing contact would be pictures and updates, no visits. We were selected by a birthmom within two months of submitting our profile. She was 17 years old, this pregnancy was her second, she was raising her then 2 year old daughter and could not take care of another child. We were told that our son’s biofather was dead. Three months after arriving home with our baby we receive a call that our adoption (which was not yet final) was being contested by a 28 year old man who claimed to be the biological father. He was a 6 time convicted felon. DNA tests confirmed that he was the biological father; the months leading up to that revelation were filled with denials by the birthmom that this man was the father. Our son is not the biofather’s only child; he has a 5 year old daughter that his mother has custody of because of his felony record. Conversations with all parties confirmed that his mother was the driving force behind the lawsuit.
In the months leading up to our son’s birth, evidence suggested that at best this man had been completely negligent of the birthmom, her pregnancy, and made no attempt to provide her with alternatives to adoption; at worst, there were witness to his physical abuse of the birthmom, and records of frequent visits by social workers to the property following up on reports of abuse to other children in the family. His family tree is huge and has a good share of felons. This 17 year old girl wanted their child as far away from him and his family as possible. By the time the trial rolled around she was in the process of relocating herself and her young daughter to another state for safety. The morning of the trial the biofather walked in, asked the Court to send his mother outside and signed over his parental rights. His condition? That we give up our first Christmas at home and fly out to his state to spend the holiday with him and his family; and that every year we fly out to spend several days in his state if he flies out to visit our son in our state. He also asked that we not disclose to his mother or any other family member that he gave up his rights.
At the encouragement of our attorneys (there were 3) we reluctantly agreed. Instead of spending our first Christmas at home, we spent the holiday in the lobby of a hotel visiting with the handful of relatives that lacked a felony record. The biofather seemed bothered, uncomfortable, and disinterested the whole time. It was awkward. The extended family (except for the grandmother) were lovely; they were polite but visibly anxious. The grandmother was obnoxious; she kept chasing our poor child around the hotel lobby, ignoring his loud “NO, NO, NO” each time she tried to pick him up. His family was clueless that he had consented to the adoption and still don’t know.
While this is not the arrangement we had agreed to before our son was born, it is what it is and we’re doing our best. I think that we would feel less resentment if our relationship with the biofather and his mother had not been so adversarial (eight months of sleepless nights, ugly surprises, and legal fees that eventuated in our filing for bankruptcy protection.) It would be easier to respect them if they had made some effort to take care of the pregnant 17 year old kid they heaped abuse and neglect on. Our relationship would be better if we could rely on them telling the truth; instead, every conversation with them is filled with untruths, as though not disclosing the truth gives them control.
It’s been 6 weeks since we were there for Christmas. We’ve not heard from the biofather since, although he promised that he would be out in January for a visit … never happened. Since then the grandmother has called twice, she believes the “case” is ongoing and wants to be perceived as proactive.
Look, biology ensures that he is their biological son for the rest of his life; nothing can change that. That said, the new family that is formed through adoption has the right to their own space and privacy. Open adoption is not co-parenting; we are not glorified caregivers, we are his parents 24/7. He too has a right to his own privacy from them until he chooses to seek them out to cultivate a relationship that is comfortable for him. If a biological parent wants regular, ongoing involvement, then choose parenthood and not adoption. Help me understand why I have such an aversion to these people and none to our son’s birthmother. What is the best way for us to move forward as a family and treat everyone honorably while preserving our right to a cohesive family unit? I’m frustrated but open to suggestions.
No related posts.
Wow, I’m so sorry that this is all such a mess. And I’m sorry that the relationship has been forced on you — no wonder you feel resentful!! Was this Christmas your first visit? How old is your son?
From her side of things I can imagine how awful it must feel to lose a grandchild through the actions of my child, especially if I was against the adoption. Likely she’s carrying around a lot of resentment, too. And given that this family sounds pretty dysfunctional — because clearly he can’t even be honest with his mom — maybe she just isn’t able to communicate appropriately even when she’s NOT feeling angry/hurt/depressed about the adoption. But put that crisis on top of whatever else they have going on and it’s a pretty big mess.
It might be that as time goes on and as you show good faith in cards and letters that things might come to a more even keel. Since it doesn’t sound like the timing of visits were dictated by the court (other than this first Christmas), perhaps it will become easier to visit on your own terms. Also if bio dad does a disappearing act, which seems likely, you might be able to create a relationship with Grandma that works for both of you and won’t leave you feeling pushed around.
(I’m also going to approach some people I know who had similar situations come up in their adoptions and hope they can give better advice than I can.)
We went thru a similar contested adoption. The biological father of our baby girl was not financially or emotionally supportive during the pregnancy (dated other women, etc.) He was not violent, was employed, but agreed with the birth mother’s plan to place the baby for adoption. Her parents were very behind an adoption plan because, although they loved their daughter, they did not like the bio father and did not want her in a continued relationship with him because of the baby.
It’s a long story but when the baby was born, biomom needed additional time to consider placing so we took the baby as a foster placement (we had a foster license) to give her more time. After two stressful weeks, she signed the surrender. No one told us that the bio father wanted to parent at that point. About 4 months later, after the putative father registry timeframe, etc., we received papers from his attorney that he was contesting the adoption. It was a horrible time for us, we were clearly bonded to our daughter. We had an open adoption plan with the bio mother and they had even been to our home to visit and the father never mentioned that he wanted to parent previous to us getting those papers.
After nearly 6 monhs, we did get permanent custody. Birthmother has backed away from us because, as we now know, she assisted him in trying to get the baby back. They now have another daughter together, her mother is supporting her and the bio father has been supportive of this baby although they are not together in a relationsihp. We are struggling to now trust the biomother but are working on trying to get back to some openness with her and her family. We love them but it has been so difficult for us emotionally as we have 3 other adopted children and their security was compromised thru all of this, knowing their baby sister could be taken away.
I can tell you that, if our attorneys had suggested the same kind of openness that you have been asked for by your son’s biological father, we would have said “no”. As much as we feel that open adoption can be very good for a child, we would not share our child with anyone. As a matter of fact, at this point, we do not allow ANY openness with our daughter’s biological father. We feel that if he wanted to parent, he should have supported her emotionally and financially thru the pregnancy and stepped up to the plate the moment his daughter was born. He gave up that right.
I can’t imagine how you are dealing with this but I’m available when you need to talk.
Best wishes on a very, very difficult situation.
I have some pretty different ideas about open adoption these days. We’ve opened up the adoption to the birthmother of one of our older children but that took much time and trust on our parts and on hers. I think too many biological parents get very confused, thinking that open adoption means shared parenting and that they have rights of some kind to decide what happens with your child.
Josie
“Help me understand why I have such an aversion to these people and none to our son’s birthmother.”
As a human being you’ve made value judgments. You probably see her less than desirable actions (lying about the bdad) as trying to protect the baby and herself, and you probably see his families’ less than desirable actions as self serving. At least from your account, that’s how I feel about these people
Most people with an ounce of empathy would feel compassion towards an abused and neglected girl and resentment towards those who perpetrated the abuse and neglect. If you felt any other way I would be concerned.
All that being said, I feel it is important for us as adoptive parents to keep the lines of communication open, so that when our kids are old enough to take over their own relationships they aren’t having to start at square one. Also, as parents I think it’s important to model integrity and doing the right thing, even when it’s difficult.
You don’t need to like them, you don’t need to go out of your way to make their lives easier, you simply need to live up to the commitments you made, which is to send cards and letters and visit his state once a year.
Hopefully you can find a way to make a fun family vacation out of these visits, maybe drive one year and see some sites in between, or find some activities or points of interest in the area.
Best wishes to you.
I’m one of the people Dawn reached out to, because we, too, experienced a contested adoption this past year. We have a very open adoption with the mom/her family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins–even great grandfather in England has reached out). But it was the dad, who never helped during the pregnancy, who contested. At four months. Then six. Eventually, long (felt VERY LONG as you well know) story short, although he contested, he did not reach out to visit or to get DNA test done. At seven months, having been given a few chances, the judge terminated his rights.
He’s also had some bad brushes with the law.
If he or his mother (who wanted him to contest, we are told) tried to establish contact, I know I’d be churned up. I’m not sure how well I myself want to know him right now, as I’m still recouping from the anxiety that I might lose my daughter. Having said that, she has a white adoptive family & a white family via her birth mom & he’s Jamaican so there’s a whole cultural link we are missing in the family & would welcome that connection. Down the road, also might I try to meet his sons?
What I think others are suggesting, that he may well fade away, that contact on your terms with the grandmother to see if you warm to her & vice versa as some of the stress fades, well that might make you feel more warmly (kind of like the difficult in-law or something, to be tolerated just because “family”). I try to give what comes easily to me, like photos or notes, ways of being inclusive that I don’t mind. What surprises me & seems so hard on you, unfairly so, is that you are somehow supposed to hold this secret from the grandmother & I wonder whether if/when she knows YOU are the parents, it will shift things such that you feel more open (although she may walk away, who knows?).
I think open doors & open hearts allow more to happen for all. I look at my daughter & know that I want her to experience as much love as possible to feel wanted all around (yet not pulled at). That’s what I hope I can facilitate.
I have much more warmth for mom, obviously, than for dad. We’re on the same team, after all, baby’s best interests. I flip between feeling the dad is somehow entitled (biology) to whatever relationship he wants & that here lies another swipe at women: man has sex, woman gets pregnant, man can dictate what happens to her, NO FAIR. You & I wound up in situations where that was more true. Laws are supposed to protect parents from losing their rights because people with more power/$$/pull in society want their kids & that’s how it should be. And yet abusing that right, that’s wrong. I guess with everything a reasonable idea can be stretched & abused.
Without these two other people I would not have this particular child; hokey as it sounds, that is something I find helps me stay in touch with my own compassion & gratitude.
Sorry to ramble. Hope this helps a little.
Is your OA legally binding? If not, you can always revise it. With the economy being the was it is, it’s going to be to very expensive flying out there yearly. Also, you signed an agreement that dictates you “force” your child to fly out every year to see the bfamily. Sorry, that’s not right to the child if/when they decide they don’t want to go. I am an adoptive parent and I must say this is one of the reasons why I have a semi-open adoption-too much drama! Like you said open adoption, isn’t co-parenting or sharing. You need to tell the g’ma that the adoption has been done and is final. You also need to be gentle BUT very firm in telling her you are the child’s parent. I “get” OA has it’s merits but your situation isn’t one of them.
Best of luck & hang in there!
I am sorry that you wound up in this mess. I would like to point out some things you may not like to hear, but please try to bear with me…
First of all, it sounds as if your “facilitator” did not do his or her job very properly. Unfortunately, as I detail in my book, adoption facilitators are allowed to operate in some states and have no training, education or any requirements, licensing, certification or regulations. Anyone can arrange adoptions in some states and you unfortunately wind up with messy situations like this one.
In reading your version of events herein, it appears to me that one of the biggest mistakes made was allowing this man to consent to an adoption after asking his family to leave. Was the agency and/or the court aware of this deception?
Relinquishment of parental rights is a a very serious decisions and should not be made without informed choice and option counseling. As you noted, his family is his family and always will be and they obviously want to be involved and should have been involved in the decision. It is obvious that the father did not want his family to know cause he knew they would not allow the adoption to go through.
Had it stopped at that point, it would have been very painful for you, but would have avoided this ongoing situation you now have, which is somewhat unclear. What’s done is done.
The title of your post suggests you are now facing a contested adoption that might even wind up being overturned. And whether it is or not, would cost you now very dearly in legal fees and emotional drainage to fight.
However, other than the title, it seems you are more concerned with just getting along with these people who you do not care for, so I am unsure if a contested adoption looms or not…
Either way, I suggest you try your best to put your negative feelings aside. I suggest that you begin by refraining from the use of of the term “biological” and simply refer to him as your son’s father.
Many mothers have to deal with a father of their child who they wish they did not have to deal with. This applies to mothers who birthed their babies as well as those who adopt or step parent. But whtehr w elike them or not, they are physically and legally – as well as emotionally – part of our child’s lives and vice versa. Just like in-laws – we don’t have to like them, but we we do need to be civil and pleasant and not allow any negative feelings to leak out onto the child that we mutually are attached to.
This is your son’s father. he will grow up and he will understand his genetic connection. If you express – even in the faintest most subtle – even silent – manner, i.e.facial expressions, or talking to friends when you think he isn’t listening…he will puck up on your hostility toward his father and that i hostility and dislike for HIM. If you love your son, you must take very precaution not to do that to him.
If his father remains in his life, he will figure out if he is not a good person! He must do that totally on his own, however. If you steer it, in the slightest, it could backfire on you greatly and harm him s well.
You ask many why? Why are you in this siutation? As I said, what’s done is doen d I am not tryign to beat you up. Part of the problem was the mother lying aout the father – yet oddly you do not resent her.
Despite that, you need to take some responsibility. You did not do due diligence on investigating the ethics of a “facilitator” you chose to help you get what you wanted: a child. This person took short cuts. You and the facilitator allowed the father to lie to his family about the adoption. And now you are paying the price. You could have chosen a more reputable, ethical open adoption agency or even chosen to adopt from foster care…or chosen not to adopt at all. This was a CHOICE you made. Now you are left with the consequences. I hope you can make the best of it for your son’s sake.
If the father does contest he adoption – I pray for your sake as well as your son’s and everyone involved, that you will not make a dragged out fight of it. Letting go sooner rather than later is in in everyone’s best interest in such cases. If a court finds that his rights were violated AND that he is FIT…perhaps having reformed his criminal past…
than it truly is in you son’s best interest to be with a father and an extended family that wants him and is willing and able to care for him. Not liking people and their fitness to parent are very different issues.
Mirah Riben, Vice President of Communications, Origins-USA.org, author, The Stork Market: America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry
I agree and disagree with what you are saying.
Although I can’t agree with he terminology of “father”, the boy has a “father/dad/PARENT”-his afather!
The bdad is a control freak who has lied to his family and is a coward, but I don’t think lying to his family can overturn the adoption. I think the OP needs to come “clean” and tell the truth- the child has been legally adopted and they are the parents now. I would also change the agreement, at this point they don’t owe them anything ( they have abused the aparents trust). I often wonder if, in the beginning, OA’s are for the bparents? I have read similar stories like this and I am amazed at how much ” drama” the aparents put-up with! Yes, they adopted the child but how much is too much?
As the aparents of the child they do have the right to have “space” and “just be” a family. I can’t agree with your suggestion that they “owe” the bfamily so “suck it up and deal with it!”. Open adoption isn’t co-parenting or parental sharing. It’s keeping the lines of communication open for the sake of the child, anything else ( visits/ relationships) is a bonus! Moreover, the child may not even like or want to even know the bdad when he get older!
To the OP, you have to do what’s best for you and your family.
How do you relate ONE visit at Christmas to co-parenting?
Open Adoption is a gimmick used by baby brokers to get parents to let their children go to be adopted by people like you who then try to void YOUR promises in far too many instances. Open adoption contact agreements are unenforceable PROMISES that are broken and leave the parents of the the child with no recourse.
Yes, I said the parents: MOTHERS and FATHERS. As YOU indicated, it is adopters who require a prefix of a-parent. They also get to Mom and Dad 365 days a year. But those of us who are connected genetically to the children you rise and into whose face you look, are their mother and father.
When you look into your children’s faces you see OUR heritage. Not yours! WE are their parents. Your words cannot change that any more than a legal change in custody can.
You are free to your opinions and disagreements, but you have a great deal to disagree with, not just me.
“The traditional blood-kin family is composed of one mother, one father, and their child or children. The adoptive family is composed of two mothers, two fathers and a child common to them. Although society, and to some extent adoptive parents, would like to pretend that it is exactly like a traditional family, it is the differences that are extremely significant in each member’s life.” Dr. Herbert Wieder, a psychiatrist who has been studying the adoption triangle for over twenty years testimony at Public Hearing before Assembly Institutions, Health & Welfare on Assembly Bill No. 2051 (Adoption), 9 December, 1981, Trenton, NJ.
Preferably only those who understand this concept would adopt to begin with. Those who have adopted can either accept and respect their child AND his heritage or tear the child they love in two.
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Like the comments above me, I would like to point out to you that although I completely understand your resentment for your child’s birth father, your child’s birth mother is much to blame!
I know he is not a good man. He is causing a lot of unnecessary grief for your family, and he obviously can not see the big picture… what is good for your son. Be the bigger person and see the bigger picture. As a birth mother, it angers me that this is who is out there representing us as birth family.
Visits are not co-parenting. He can not tell you how to raise your child, nor can his mother. But if you don’t maintain this relationship what happens in 15 years when your son asks you why he didn’t know his birth family growing up? I would want to make sure I told him I did everything I could to keep connection to all of his family (who all love him).
“How do you relate ONE visit at Christmas to co-parenting?”
I didn’t say it was co-parenting. I said OA isn’t co-parenting OR parental “sharing”. It’s open communication for the sake of the child, and anything else ( visits/ relationships) is a bonus! I also think it’s wrong to commit a child to “forced” visits it they don’t want to visit. The OP did , they agreed to yearly visits to the bfamily without the child’s consent.
“Open Adoption is a gimmick used by baby brokers to get parents to let their children go to be adopted by people like you who then try to void YOUR promises in far too many instances. Open adoption contact agreements are unenforceable PROMISES that are broken and leave the parents of the the child with no recourse.”
Actually I’m adoptee ( who has a nice relationship with my bparents, my children call them “grandma & grandpa”), and I have been reading many forums and to be honest, it’s usually the aparents who are “bending over backwards” to please the bparents. It’s only when situation like this one become too much, it becomes a problem ( after trying to make it work) the OA closes.
‘Yes, I said the parents: MOTHERS and FATHERS. As YOU indicated, it is adopters who require a prefix of a-parent. They also get to Mom and Dad 365 days a year. But those of us who are connected genetically to the children you rise and into whose face you look, are their mother and father.When you look into your children’s faces you see OUR heritage. Not yours! WE are their parents. Your words cannot change that any more than a legal change in custody can.”
Sorry, it takes MORE than giving birth, that makes you a “PARENT”. No disrespect, but anyone can have a baby (unless their infertile) but not everyone can be/is a good “parent”. Yes you are genetically connected, BUT you aren’t raising the child. You don’t know their likes and dislikes ,or personalities traits. Only the one’s raising the children do.You don’t contribute emotionally, physically or financially to raising them. You don’t take time of from work when they’re sick NOR do you sacfice your daily living to parent them.
“You are free to your opinions and disagreements, but you have a great deal to disagree with, not just me.
“The traditional blood-kin family is composed of one mother, one father, and their child or children. The adoptive family is composed of two mothers, two fathers and a child common to them. Although society, and to some extent adoptive parents, would like to pretend that it is exactly like a traditional family, it is the differences that are extremely significant in each member’s life.” Dr. Herbert Wieder, a psychiatrist who has been studying the adoption triangle for over twenty years testimony at Public Hearing before Assembly Institutions, Health & Welfare on Assembly Bill No. 2051 (Adoption), 9 December, 1981, Trenton, NJ.
Preferably only those who understand this concept would adopt to begin with. Those who have adopted can either accept and respect their child AND his heritage or tear the child they love in two.”
Mother/ Father I ‘get” but when you suggest the OP put it in the context of “the one that’s raising him/ your there “equals”", you lose me. The adoptee has two mother/two fathers and one set of “parents”. The OP is the parent, and they need to do what’s best for their family!
“Preferably only those who understand this concept would adopt to begin with. Those who have adopted can either accept and respect their child AND his heritage or tear the child they love in two.”
Most adoptees that I know ( including myself) see our aparents as our “true” parents; a lot of us(closed era) don’t have the ‘loyalty” problem because our adoptions were closed. And even in todays’ OA’s the children know who the “mom/dad/parents”are. because of the role they have in the child’s life.
Anyway I respect your opinion, I amy not agree with it, but I respect it.
ETA: Typos
I mean’t to write:
Mother/ Father I ‘get” but when you suggest the OP put it in the context of “the one that’s raising him/ they’re “equals””, you lose me. The adoptee has two mother/two fathers and one set of “parents”. The OP is the parent, and they need to do what’s best for their family!
To Mirah and Anon –
Please remember the mission of this site:
• Open adoption is about honoring the connection adoptees have to both of their families.
• Open adoption recognizes the losses of adoption.
• Open adoption does not diminish one family in favor of another.
• Open adoption is flexible, understanding that needs and circumstances change.
• Open adoption sets boundaries on the basis of what is best for the child in question.
• Open adoption looks like different things for different families.
• Open adoption is about commitment and sharing and love.
In other words, we are here to promote openness for the good of the kids and not to debate the origins of openness or which parents are more important. I welcome these kinds of debates on my personal blog but this is meant to be a service site — a place for families to get information from other people who support the idea of openness and won’t tell them to just shut things down and move on.
As to how the original posters adoption came about — well, it’s done. The child is legally theirs and now they need to contend with the reality of the situation for the good of their son. Let’s help them do that.
“I said OA isn’t co-parenting OR parental “sharing”. It’s open communication for the sake of the child, and anything else ( visits/ relationships) is a bonus!”
This is a slanted “definition” of open adoption. It describes semi-open at best. True OPEN adoption involves a relationship between the child and his original family, not contact that is limited to the two sets of parents.
Those of us not raising or children are quite aware of that. As I said the aps have the child 24/7/365! And they call ALL the shots! We are aware, fully aware. Thus you need not be so threatened by us.
For every blog post you read about aps “bending over backwards” – which I have read as well – i can show you at least two where they have totally backed out of the “deal”. Yes, often mothers who have lost children find it too painful to watch others rise their child, or the geographical distance is too great, or many others reasons impede ongoing visits…but it is often the aps who put an end to the openness. Either way – there are no guarantees.
That is why I said OA is a gimmick to get parents to sign papers giving up their kids. It is “marketed” as shared parenting! Unscrupulous adoption “facilitators” will tell each party what they want to hear and thus cause these kinds of messes. **We are ALL victims of the lack of regulation in adoption.** Adopters are at great risk of simply being ripped off – scammed. I have a whole chapter in my book on how to avoid being scammed.
These are excellent GOALS that I fully support:
• Open adoption is about honoring the connection adoptees have to both of their families.
• Open adoption recognizes the losses of adoption.
• Open adoption does not diminish one family in favor of another.
• Open adoption is flexible, understanding that needs and circumstances change.
• Open adoption sets boundaries on the basis of what is best for the child in question.
• Open adoption looks like different things for different families.
• Open adoption is about commitment and sharing and love.
The fact is however, that Open Adoption is an unenforceable promise, and too often allowed to be entered into by people not fully committed to these goals. Parties on both sides hearing what they want to hear and do and say what they believe the other party wants to hear just to get the “deal” done.
The fact is that Open Adoption most certainly DOES DIMINISH one family by virtue of legally terminating all their rights as parents, by giving them no right to make any decisions whatsoever regarding anything to witht he raising of the child; by being at the mercy of those who are raising their child for scraps of visits…if any…etc., etc., etc.
Asdoption is NOT joint custody! The two sets of parents are NOT Equals! That’s like saying I treat my hired hand as an equal. Being “nice” to one in a very different social strata does not make two people equals. It never has and never will. Employers and employees; teachers and students; parents and children – not equals no matter how NICELY thy treat one another.
One has all the power and control. One has the child. The other is at their mercy and knows it. In some cases, they are treated very well – just as family (so where some slaves). But that is up to the whim and temperment of the people involved, it is not inherent in the legal structure of open adoption as it currently is practiced.
OA begins as all adoptions begin with a total severing of a child from his heritage – legally – and the sealing of his original birth certificate. If his aps decide they don’t like the arrangement and end the opnenness, the child is denied his rights to know anything – even to know he is adopted – just like any other adoptee.
Open adoption without enforcement is a farce. Adoption built on falsified birth certificates are state committed fraud and deny those adopted – the child you love so much and seek so much – his dignity and human right and equality. Adoptees are not equal to non-adopted citizens in regard to access ot their own birth certificates. They are a special, discriminated class of people. Open adoption does not change that legal reality, it was created as a pacifier. And it was created to increase white infant adoptions which had declined so drastically after the acceptability of single parenthood and the accessibility of birth control. It is a sales gimmick created by a very slick, money-driven, greedy industry that seeks to maintain an ample “sup[ply” of babies to meet a “demand.” All the while ignoring children – hundreds of thousands of them – in foster care…who get used as pawn to give tax incentives to those who adopt newborns and internationally, where often children are kidnapped, stole and trafficked for adoption….to meet the “demand.” But I digress…
If aps want the goals above – let’s work together to make OA legally enforceable??? Make it truly equal – don’t destroy the child;s past to create a new future. Allow him to have the continuity of both – legally.
It can be done. It is done in other countries…oh, yeah, that’s right! It was done that way here prior to the 1940′s!!! If you love your kids, work together with us to give them the same rights as those not adopted! And wrk to ensure that no child is separated from parents who are willing and able to care for him in the first place. Work to stop the profiteering in child redistribution which hurts us ALL!
Mirah Riben, The Stork Market: America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry.
http://www.AdvocatPublications.com
Dawn:
Sorry about that!
I don’t understand why some aparents bend over backwards when there’s no guarantee the child will want to know the biofamily.
To the OP, you do what’s best for you and your family. You are the one’s raising the child. Your intentions are good, but unfortunately your son’s bfamily aren’t the type of people who would appreciate your commitment to OA’s. I would see about changing contact until it is firmly understood that you are the parents. It may seem harsh, but boundaries are needed in order for everyone to be on the same page.
Dawn:
I’m not going to debate what Mariha said, because this isn’t the place. However, I do want to say this: if you want to be treated as an “equal” parent, and have some “say” in how the child is raised while keeping them connected to their bio heritage, then raise them!
Duly noted. My area of concentration in research and writing is on the faults of The System its impact on all whose lives are touched by adoption as victims of a very flawed system.
When open adoptions do not go as planned – I encourage all parties to seek professional mediation before throwing in the towel.
I think healthy boundaries are a necessity and should preferably be set beforehand, as in any relationship, and will undoubtedly need to be adjusted and readjusted to meet changing needs.
e
Throwing in the towel after just ONE MEETING is what gives Open Adoption a bad name and scares people off – both adopters and those considering placing children.
“if you want to be treated as an “equal” parent, and have some “say” in how the child is raised while keeping them connected to their bio heritage, then raise them!”
I have said nothing of the kind! I simply said that we are their kin. No one is asking for equal parenting rights in open adoption. You totally misunderstand. Even guardianship is not equal pr co-parenting.
I stated that aps have the child 27/7/265 and make all decisions! I stated that aps are Mommy and daddy – or Mom and dad – we are Mother and Father and at best have a relationship equal to a grandparent, aunt or uncle….
aps are the legal and emotional/psychological parents. any threat to your status and day-to-day parenting from us that would be any more than from any of those other extended family members is unfortunate and due to your own insecurities, not to the legal structure of open adoption, or even to individual personalities, though that may make the occasional visit less comfortable and enjoyable, for sure.
I would also like to add that the lie is ridiculous and has to ned. Who do these people think the pas are when there are visits? When the child pushed away an aggressive grandparent saying “NO” did he not call his aps Mommy and daddy??
It’s like lying about being pregnant, It can’t last forever!
Mirah,you said this:
“The fact is that Open Adoption most certainly DOES DIMINISH one family by virtue of legally terminating all their rights as parents, by giving them no right to make any decisions whatsoever regarding anything to witht he raising of the child; by being at the mercy of those who are raising their child for scraps of visits…if any…etc., etc., etc.”
Again, you want bparents to have equal “footing”. The only way one can have “equal footing” is when they are “contributing” to raising the child.
“Asdoption is NOT joint custody! The two sets of parents are NOT Equals! That’s like saying I treat my hired hand as an equal. Being “nice” to one in a very different social strata does not make two people equals. It never has and never will. Employers and employees; teachers and students; parents and children – not equals no matter how NICELY thy treat one another.
One has all the power and control. One has the child. The other is at their mercy and knows it. In some cases, they are treated very well – just as family (so where some slaves). But that is up to the whim and temperment of the people involved, it is not inherent in the legal structure of open adoption as it currently is practiced.”
Imo, that’s how it should be, You (the bparents) have the legal “power” until YOU sign the TRP papaer-You ARE THE LEGAL PARENTS. After that the aparents are, and if you don’t want to ‘LOSE” that control, don’t sign the papers and raise YOUR child!
“OA begins as all adoptions begin with a total severing of a child from his heritage – legally – and the sealing of his original birth certificate. If his aps decide they don’t like the arrangement and end the opnenness, the child is denied his rights to know anything – even to know he is adopted – just like any other adoptee.’
Again, if it’s that important to the bparents, dont sign the papers!
“You totally misunderstand. Even guardianship is not equal pr co-parenting. ”
Guardianship is co-parenting/parental sharing. The bio-parents are still the parents.
Yes, I state the FACT that legally adoption,even open adoption “DOES DIMINISH one family by virtue of legally terminating all their rights as parents, by giving them no right to make any decisions whatsoever regarding anything to with the raising of the child; by being at the mercy of those who are raising their child for scraps of visits…if any…etc., etc., etc.”
That is a fact. And a fact that is in your favor!
However I did not ask for equality in parenting and no, even guardianship does not give equal decision-making and is NOT co-parenting. However, we are not talking about guardianship. We are talking about parents who have every legal right and are parenting children 24/7/365!!
Some of you are making the odd connection between ONE VISIT and co-parenting that is a HUGE stretch by ay definition! Your kid’s pediatrician sees him more often and does not represent a threat, for goodness sake!
Again – I did not here, nor in ANYTHING I have EVER written anywhere – ask that a parent who has relinquished their rights to parent have equal rights to parent!! That is absurd! Your emotions are detracting from your ability to simply read the word I am writing.
I ask that open contact arrangements be upheld or renegotiated, but honored and ENFORCED…and not simply closed because one visit doesn’t go well, or the people involved are very different and not likable.
Thank you to all for the heartfelt advice, encouragement, and suggestions. It’s been a huge help reading the comments and realizing that we are not alone in this complicated situation. I really appreciate all of the great comments and even some of the heated debates; Mirah, while this is my first introduction to you, you seem a little extreme in your views, narrow in your perspective, and somewhat frightening in your righteous anger. Sometimes getting your point across can be more effective when worded tactfully and not wrapped in verbal barbed wire.
I agree that our facilitator should have done a better job of investigating the circumstances. That said, they are a very reputable and qualified organization that have successfully placed hundreds of beautiful children with loving families. The common and unavoidable problem that arises in their line of work is that they are working with human beings in difficult circumstances. People are complicated, relationships are complicated, and subsequently, families are complicated. The facilitator is only able to provide an adoptive family with the information that is willingly given by the biological parent(s). The biological parent(s) are armed with far more objective information about the adoptive parents than the other way around; anyone that’s been through this process can confirm that. So to suggest that anything dishonorable went on is insulting to the hundreds of happy and successful adoptions that have taken place.
The assumption that we and the facilitator were somehow responsible for ensuring that the extended family of the biological father be present in the court room is ridiculous. He is a 28 year old adult male who had his attorney present at all times. My husband and I were there with our legal representation (we did not have our extended family present either) and our son’s court appointed attorney was also present. There was nothing covert or underhanded that went on; in fact, it was the biological father that called his attorney with the request to settle the case before a court requested home study be done on him (since there was a home study on us, the judge wanted a home study done on him as well.) It was the biological father that decided to relinquish his rights independent of his extended family, after months of litigation expenses on our part and none on his. This child is his 3rd child, the first two are in the custody of and being parented by his mother and ex-girlfriend respectively.
While it’s easy to assume that the birth mother fabricated the details about the other young man (the 20 yr old deceased male) how can anyone be sure? They knew each other, the level of intimacy may have been enough to produce a child, and quite frankly, she’s a teen, not a DNA expert. She had no way of knowing whose child she was carrying at the time. Given the options (20 year old dead guy or 28 year old felon) I can’t blame her for choosing the dead guy. And in the end, it really isn’t our business who she or the biological father choose to be intimate with; it was not our place to interrogate either of them about their sex lives.
Without getting into all of the details that comprised this case, rest assured that between the two judges, five social workers, eight attorneys, a court investigator, a guardianship investigator, two private investigators, and several witnesses WE EXHAUSTED EVERY MEANS POSSIBLE TO GET TO THE TRUTH AND TO BE HONORA BLE. In the end, the truth was that a short and volatile relationship between two people produced a child that neither were able to take care of. Despite lack of moral support from both sides of the extended families (his and hers) both biological parents willingly gave up their parental rights and agreed to allow us to adopt their son. Witnesses that know both families stated that it is very likely that a combination of cultural pride and the desired effect of a Welfare check for a minor were the primary motivating factors behind the biograndmother’s push to contest the adoption. Given that neither state acknowledges grandparents rights, she had to make the push through her son, who was disinterested at best.
Some of you may wonder why the birth mother chose adoption instead of leaving her son with the biological grandmother (paternal); clearly she was already raising one of her grandchildren and wanted to raise this one as well. The answer is pretty simple: while the extended family is large and diverse and has some genuinely nice people in it, it also boasts an overwhelming number of felons that live on the same property or near the trailer where the biological father, his mother, and his daughter live. If the biological grandmother was willing to subject her own children and grandchild to a family who had such a blatant disregard for the law, it would stand to reason that she would not relocate to protect this child (our son) from these people. To give you an idea of the kinds of offenses the members of this family have been arrested for and convicted of they are as follows: negligent homicide, kidnapping, methamphetamine use and sale, possessing and selling illegal weapons, breaking and entering, theft of property, DUI, domestic violence, harassment, assault, and that’s not even touching the individuals that live near the biofather who share the same last name and are registered sex offenders.
We did not go into this making promises we couldn’t keep. While visitation was not what we had requested in our profile, visitation is what we agreed to after the biological father requested that of us; this was not a request that was made by the birth mother or by us. We also took into consideration that one day our son would grow up and want to know who his biological parents are and what the circumstances of his adoption were. We wanted him to know that we treated everyone involved with respect and made every attempt to be honorable. To our credit, our son’s attorney, his social worker, even the biological father, and his attorney have all stated that they were shocked by the graciousness we showed everyone every step of the way.
The birth mother was motivated by fear and desperation; the biological father’s family was motivated by pride and anger. To them it was about revenge and showing this girl that she couldn’t humiliate them by choosing adoption. They were fine letting her starve in a cockroach infested trailer with 2 small children; it was the idea of her choosing a couple from another state and making their neglect public that motivated the lawsuit. You see Mirah, not everything about our son’s heritage is honorable and respectable and should be given equal weight and value.
We were warned by our son’s social worker that cases like this make up less than 1 percent of adoptions, are very stressful, crippling financially, and are very rarely won by the adoptive parents; our state has a long history of reuniting children with their biological parents regardless of the child’s best interest. Knowing that, we held our son and made the decision that we would move forward and honor the commitment that we made to a 17 year old girl who chose us to love and parent her son. He became our son the moment we said “yes” to his birth mother, he will be our son for as long as we live.
I wrote in to this site because I’m exhausted and needed some emotional support and objective input. We feel unprepared for how best to work with the extended family of our son’s biological father. Given all the information we have about these people we do not feel that it is safe or in his best interest for us to cultivate a close relationship with them. It’s awkward because the extended family push to know details that technically the biofather should disclose to them. Ultimately, if the biofather can’t trust them enough to disclose the truth, how then can we trust them?
Anyway, for what it’s worth, thanks for listening and for giving me a place to vent. You are wonderful people, caring parents, and we are all in this together. God bless you all.
Marilyn, I wanted to thank you for your last comment. We experienced a somewhat similar situation, and it was heartbreaking and discouraging when people judged the situation too quickly. Your comment was well-spoken and sums up much of what I wish I could have said more eloquently when we were going through something similar.
“However I did not ask for equality in parenting and no, even guardianship does not give equal decision-making and is NOT co-parenting. However, we are not talking about guardianship. We are talking about parents who have every legal right and are parenting children 24/7/365!!
Some of you are making the odd connection between ONE VISIT and co-parenting that is a HUGE stretch by ay definition! Your kid’s pediatrician sees him more often and does not represent a threat, for goodness sake!
Again – I did not here, nor in ANYTHING I have EVER written anywhere – ask that a parent who has relinquished their rights to parent have equal rights to parent!! That is absurd! Your emotions are detracting from your ability to simply read the word I am writing.
I ask that open contact arrangements be upheld or renegotiated, but honored and ENFORCED…and not simply closed because one visit doesn’t go well, or the people involved are very different and not likable.”
Mariah:
Maybe I should have said it this way: you want bparents to have the SAME legal access to the child as the aparents do, correct? Again, When you give-up your rights & responsibilities of raising a child, you have no rights. If you don’t want to “lose” that control then raise your child-it’s very simple! I have heard many bmoms say: “if there wasn’t any OA’s I would raise my child” To me this sound like:”ok, you raise my child for me ( and do the hard work, while I have a role in his/her life), like the aparents are “upscale” babysitters
For me, this is why I have a semi-open adoption, some OA’s have too much drama!
To Marilyn, do what you feel IS BEST for your family.I wish you the best!
“Maybe I should have said it this way: you want bparents to have the SAME legal access to the child as the aparents do, correct?”
NO! The aps have 27/7/365 legal access. Original parents do not and I, nor anyone else, is asking that they do after their rights are relinquished or terminated!!
I thought I was very clear, but here I go for the thirs toime. What I am ststing is that Oen Adoption contact agreements hwuls be upheld. Whethr that involves photos, p=hobe calls, ponece a year or aonce ayar visits. And if they are found not to be workable, thye be renegotiated not just ended. It is a legal contract – or SHOULD be!
Unfortuntely, you are quite right when you say: “When you give-up your rights & responsibilities of raising a child, you have no rights.”
We have no rights – including no right to enforce open adoption promises made to us. APS can promise the moon and stars and deliver nothing, making OA contact agreements no more than worthless promises given in order seal a deal that are OFTEN broken and is why you sense an edge in my words.
I deal with the broken pieces of these arrangements all the time! I deal with mothers who tell us they never would have agreed to an adoption had it not been promised to be OPEN. Does this man that she expected to co-parent, No,It means she expected what was promised to her, whether it was phone calls, letters, weekly or annual visits. It means that she could not have dealt with a completely old fashioned closed adoption, not knowing if her hcild is dead or alive. But now the family that has her child has reneged on the arrangement, changed their phone number and moved way and she feels totally BETRAYED!! And in RETROSPECT, yes, many such mothers feel had they known that, they would have scrubbed floors if necessary and done whatever to keep their child rather than loose all knowledge of him, because the later is far, far more painful and cruel to both the mother and the child.
Choices – especially an irrevocable decision such as adoption that effects so many people for lifetimes – should be made knowing all the TRUE facts! Not based on lies or promises that can be broken.
This is what I object to – broken promises of contact – and it is a far cry from the words you trying to put in my mouth. I object to OA agreements being unenforceable, but NO OA agreement creates co–parenting! Can we get that straight once and for all, PLEASE!
I am asking that people enter into contracts on good faith – on both sides. I oppose lies and deception no matter who is perpetrating them. Marilyn agreed to the father’s conditions. he agreed to let his child be adopted and she agreed to let him and his family visit, as I understand it. That is the contract they have, until it is renegotiated.
The facts I stated about lack of training etc for adoption facilitators were simply facts. People have gone formbeing car part salesman one day (Artie Elgart) or flight attendants (Ellen Roseman) to adoption facilittaor th next day! ANY ONE can hang up a shingle and arrange adoptions. This creates dangerous and complicated situations.
I do not know who your facilitator was and so none of it was or could have been directed at anyone in particular. The fact is that there are not sufficient regulations and they lay people are paid “finder fees” to arrange adoptions. Sometimes in their rush to make the connection, they may cut corners. I am not saying anyone did in your case. But adoptions have been overturned because the father’s signature was not obtained at all. It is the cause of 99.9% of adoptions being overturned. I just hate to see an adoption begin based on lies…
Marilyn, I am sorry if my words felt like barbs. That is not my intent, although I did preface my first posted by stating that I was about to say things that you might not like not hear. I also was unaware of the structure of this particular blog – being for your support. I simply responded to a blog post about RESENTMENT about a birthfathers and his criminal background etc.
Your post was somewhat confusing and unclear as you used the term “contesting” the adoption in the heading and I was guessing at what was happening and could only reply to what was in that limited post.
I feel for you, I do as I feel for anyone and everyone who is lid to and deceived by adoption. Mothers have committed suicide being betrayed by promised of openness. I hope that you not to jump to conclusions based on ONE VISIT. Try to be patient. I wish you well.
“This is what I object to – broken promises of contact – and it is a far cry from the words you trying to put in my mouth. I object to OA agreements being unenforceable, but NO OA agreement creates co–parenting! Can we get that straight once and for all, PLEASE!”
Mirah:
I never said it was co-parenting I said enforceable OA’s gives the bparents legal access to the child AS IF they were STILL the legal parents . And to me, that can be a very dangerous thing. Take Marilyn’s case ( and countless others), should they be running back and forth to court because they entered an OA in good faith and were lied to? They should they have to go back to court, and spend more time/money, to renegotiate a contract that make them “second class” parents? Also, what if the child can verbally express his/her desires to stop contact, does the bparent still have the right to force the child and his/her parents to court to continue visits or renegotiate the contract? Do you see what I’m saying? It’s giving the bparents legal rights/access to a child as if they are still the legal parent. I feel if you want all those “rights”, raise your child.
To be honest, I think if OA’s were enforceable some peole would abuse it!
I trust Dawn will decide to post this or not…
Mirah:
“No one is forced to enter into an open adoption. However, NO WAY DO “OA’s gives the bparents legal access to the child AS IF they were STILL the legal parents.” Parents can see their child 24/7/365 – that’s hardly a right given a relinquished parent in a OA!!”
Under enforced OA’s the bparents can still have legal access to the child by taking the aparents to court-and forcing visits-just like a legal parent can do. There’s no guarentee the child will want to know the bparents as they become older. Also, I have heard that many agencies “push’ OA’s on aparents in order to adopt, I “get” the child knowing about their heritage and medical history ( I’m an adoptee too) but mandated/ forced vists by the courts-NO WAY! First, you can’t “force” anyone into a relationship. Two, the child will be put in the middle, what happens as the child become older and understand what’s going on? Do you think it’s in the child’s “best interest” to see their aparents ( the only parents they know) stressed out and hurt? Do you think the child won’t resent the bparents for causing the aparents so much pain? I think it would be in everyone’s “best interest” to start with semi-open and let the relation flow to open.
OK. I didn’t read all the comments because it looked like it turned into a huge meta-debate.
Are the concessions that you made legally binding?
If not, and you’re not comfortable with them, negotiate new ones.
From your description, I wouldn’t want my child around this man or most of his family, regardless of any genetic connection. Now, there are many types of felons, but this man was abusive, yes? I wouldn’t put my child through that. There are members of my own family whom I will not allow to be with my son alone for similar reasons. Doesn’t matter who they are or how they are related.
To OP, you made a promise to the child’s father for visits, etc. You knew the situation and you made a deal. In many contested adoptions now, the contesting parent wins. Imagine the child that you are raising, living with his or her dad and not you. Another poster mentioned that “open adoption” is a marketing ploy to separate mother’s from their babies. Adoption agencies found that mothers weren’t placing their children for adoption and instead chose to parent. They did a study and found that these mothers did not like the finality of adoption. Thus, “open adoption” was born. If people are writing all over the internet that they want to break their promises, there will be fewer babies available. Is that what you want to do to all the people hoping to adopt someday?
Mirah, You know I respect your work and your point of view but this isn’t the place to have these kinds of meta discussions. This isn’t helpful for a single parent (by birth or adoption) dealing with the day-to-day reality of their particular adoption. This doesn’t help the original poster figure out how to create a relationship that is realistically doable for her and honors her child’s biological connections. I mean, calling open adoption a farce in the context of this post doesn’t do a damn thing to help those of us LIVING in open adoptions and trying our best to make them work. What you have to say is important and matters but this particular post on this particular site doesn’t benefit from this discussion in its comments. In fact, it could harm this site by sending a whole lot of adoptive parents running and convincing them that any troubles they’re having in their open adoption relationships are impossible anyway so why not shut the whole thing down.
I’m not going to censor people who aren’t obvious trolls but I feel frustrated that comments like this do little to offer support but do offer a whole lot of condemnation. I hope you can see my point. (Like I said, I wouldn’t have a problem with you posting any of this on my personal blog but this is a different site with a different purpose.)
Enough. No more discussion that isn’t relevant to this particular poster’s specific situation. These FAQs are meant to help visitors in similar straits and these comments do NOT help. Hereafter, they’ll be pushed to hold.
I trust Dawn will decide to post this or not…
No one is forced to enter into an open adoption. However, NO WAY DO “OA’s gives the bparents legal access to the child AS IF they were STILL the legal parents.” Parents can see their child 24/7/365 – that’s hardly a right given a relinquished parent in a OA!!
Many OAs just involve letters and photos. These are terms that all parties hopefully negotiate i good faith with understanding of what is involved. and, unfortunately, yes, sometimes they need to be renegotiated. Life changes. That’s how things are and how they should be.
I agree that as a child grown his needs and wishes should be taken into consideration. It would be near impossible to forse this and put it a;; in one original agreement.
When all parties are easy-going, it can be done amicably without any additional cost to anyone. Unfortunately, life is not always so smooth.
Marriage, like adoption, is supposed to be forever, but often things change, people lie, break their agreed upon vows… People usually try to mediate and try couple’s therapy etc. And if that doesn’t work it may run into legal fees. These things are unfortunate.
What do you suggest? No open adoption because some don’t work? It’s not a choice for everyone and anyone entering into it should understand it fully. Those committed to it do so because it is in the best interest of the child, and put up some amount of discomfort for their sake. That’s what parents do!