My husband and I have what I consider a very good relationship with our daughters birthmom. In fact, there are times, that I think she and I would like to just hang out without the kids!! I just posted about my daughter acting out after the last couple of visits (we get togehter every 2-3 months) and I wonder if letting her know about some of it is too much to put on her (birthmom?)
I did tell her that I have noticed in the past year, that she is protective about talking about her birth family now that she has picked up that its not ”the norm”
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It really depends on your relationship. First mom and I discuss everything, we’re like lifelong friends or even sisters. She has made it clear that she wants to know everything as well, not just about DS but us and our families.
Recently DS was exhibiting some reactions to movie, TV and book themes that I hadn’t expected and had no experience with. Not nightmares or anything too dramatic but definite sensitivity. Then I felt like a horrible mom for letting him be exposed to those themes. I called her as I felt this might be something in his temperament/nature, and maybe something even she or her family members shared (they do), and wanted her advice and insight. I was kind of embarrassed actually, but that talk proved very helpful to me, and she was very happy that I brought it up and that she had the opportunity to help.
If you have a good relationship, I wouldn’t think she would consider talking things over a burden, she might even be thrilled to be included in the discussion. I don’t know her well enough to say definitely, but she has DDs best interests at heart as well.
I struggle with this sometimes, too, just because I want to spare Pennie when Madison is unhappy around the adoption. Finally I just told Pennie that if what I share feels like too much, to let me know. Because I remember way back when she was speaking at an audience at our agency (an audience of prospective adoptive parents) and one of the women said she had an open adoption with her first child’s mom. Pennie had talked about having a mother’s day celebration with us and this woman said she didn’t know if she should acknowledge mother’s day with her daughter’s first mom or would that be too painful? And Pennie said, “You have an open adoption? Then ask HER.” So I took that to heart, too.
As a first mom I want to know anything the adoptive parents of my son can tell me. Actually, I especially want to know the imperfect stuff!! If the first mom of your daughter is a normal intelligent women then she understands that life is not always perfect, that everyone has ups and downs, no matter what age they are. I can’t speak for her but if I were her I would want to know everything!!
I agree with others….share and when in doubt ask. I too LOVE hearing about anything, and would feel especially honored to know the “bad” along with the good. Real relationships are about good and bad times, and I don’t want just a sugar coated version of what Cupcake’s doing or what her personality is. Might that get hard? Yes, but if we’re both working on honesty and sharing then if it DOES get too hard I can let Dee know.