We want to know if anyone knows how we can get reimbursed by the birth mother for the over 10K in expenses we paid out – then 2 hours before the birth, changed her mind…
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Are we out all the expectant mother expenses?
– February 11, 2009Posted in: Community Wisdom
Original poster, I’m sorry that you are out the money and likely in a lot of pain right now. I am unsure of what your rights are around this situation but you cannot and should not go after the mom. It sounds like you needed better legal representation and understanding of what your rights and responsibilities were and also what HER rights and responsibilities were.
This is just one reason that many states do not allow direct support between hopeful adoptive parents and expectant parents. Some states see this kind of close connection as being paramount to baby buying. When money changes hands directly, there is no protection for anyone and ethics start getting really murky.
In any case, your first step should be to go to the agency or lawyer. Some of them will put the original outlay towards your next adoption situation (this is how our agency worked) so that there is one fee for your adoption regardless of how many times you “match” with a potential situation. Also you may still get tax benefits — I’m not positive about this but I think a “failed” adoption still qualifies for some tax breaks.
If you decide to go back into the adoption pool, I encourage you to connect with an ethical agency that will help protect both you and the expectant parents with whom they work. Good luck.
Responding carefully here… I don’t know the laws in your state, but I want to say that I support laws that say you *can’t* get the money back. Actually, if I had it my way, the state would provide adequate support for poor mothers and it would be illegal for you to have given her the money in the first place.
Believe me that I do understand why you feel this way and that your journey to parenthood is probably painful, and that you don’t have unlimited funds.
On the other hand, a woman has an absolute right to parent her child. Having any system in which she would have to pay you back money she almost certainly can’t pay back (if she could she probably wouldn’t have needed it in the first place) would coerce her into placing and, this is IMPORTANT, leave you open to charges of baby-buying.
The money you gave her is best seen as a gift.
I’m sorry for your pain, and I wish you well.
it cost 10K to have a baby? yikes, I am so glad I live in Canada…
its free.
I hope that you can get something back somehow
Short answer: unfortunately, yes. Just FYI – until a woman terminates her parental rights in a court of law, she is a mother. Not a birthmother, not your birthmother. Mother. Especially if the birth has not yet taken place. Until she terminates her rights in a court of law, she can change her mind. At any time. Perhaps she could even change her mind more than once. It’s hard, I know from experience. Truly. But it’s her right to change her mind up until the time of her termination hearing, as unfair as that may feel to you now.
Are you adopting through a private agency or an attorney? In the state in which we adopted, the only choice was through an agency, either DCFS (state/county) or private, which does help to offer counseling for both the potential adoptive parents and potential birth parents. There are states that do offer “adoption insurance” for just this eventuality, although it’s not available in our state, nor would we have chosen that if offered to us (for our own personal reasons).
Good luck to you.
Agree with Yondalla 100%. I don’t even know that I have anything to add.
I’m going to get killed for this, but here I go anyway…
Yes, it’s the expectant mother’s right to parent her child. However, it’s also her responsibility to pay her own bills. I don’t know if you have any legal recourse. You can consult an attorney, or your agency.
I’m also going to be unpopular for mentioning that a small, tiny, little, infinitesimal fraction of expectant moms do lead prospective adoptive parents on, specifically to get money. If you think that this woman falls into that category, you might have better ground to stand on.
I tend to agree that “birthmom expenses” shouldn’t change hands prior to placement. I think it makes sense after TPR that some expenses might be allowed. (For example, our son’s bmom had a C-section, so couldn’t go back to work. We paid a month’s rent. Also, as the baby became ours, naturally, it was our responsibility to pay the baby’s medical bills.)
I tend to play Devil’s Advocate a lot, so please don’t flay me too hard.
I agree with Yondalla. Our agency always made it very clear to us that any assistance to an expectant mother should be thought of as a gift/charitable donation. That also helped us set real limits on what we could afford.
When we had a failed match, the money we had given to her landlord, electric company, phone company, etc. wasn’t as painful because it had stayed within our comfortable range. We consciously knew we had to be okay with “losing” that money.
I don’t think any PAP HAS to pay expenses. If they choose to, then it should be with the knowledge that the EP may choose to parent as is their right. If a PAP doesn’t want to take the risk, they shouldn’t agree to pay any expenses. Simple as that.
DS’s first mom was on her state’s Maternity Medicaid so all medical expenses were covered. She asked us to help with one month’s rent and some groceries for the time she wasn’t working, which we did as a gift. We would have done it for anyone we knew in the same circumstances.
We had state laws to adhere to as well, just different ones. We could cover “maternity related living expenses” for up to 6 weeks after birth (we paid her rent and groceries after relinquishment during her recovery). We also paid for them to travel to our area when they were still in the decision making process, to see our house and meet our family and get to know us better. These were allowable as well.
Food and shelter were considered maternity related, however we could not have, say, made a car payment. As she had a roommate at the time, we could only cover her half of the rent, not the entire rent..we were grilled on these multiple times.
I forgot we had to be in compliance with both state’s laws concerning expenses in order to get ICPC clearance as well!
Also, we gave her a small GC for Target to buy some maternity clothes. When we met her she was wearing a shirt that was held together with pins.
OP, what state are you in?
What was the $10,000 for?
There’s a chance it may not have even been legal for you to pay this kind of money to an expectant mother. If that’s the case and an agency or attorney allowed it/encouraged it, that’s something to look into.
However, as for going after the mother–unless you have proof she was never pregnant or something (ie a scammer, not simply an expectant mother considering adoption), you have no recourse there. For many good reasons, which the others all mentioned.
the more I think about it, the more having prospective adoptive parents pay expenses seems coercive to me. Even with the best of intentions, I think the model that is often seen in the media now sets this up to be some kind of exchange. After our dd was born, her birthmom was obviously in a lot of emotional pain, and angry, and made some comments like “Whats the big deal..I had your baby for you.”
I think we must remember, both birth parents and adoptive parents, that the adoption is not that way, that an expectant mother is doing us a favor..because especially in an open adoption, it can set up a sense of indebtedness, and in the end I don’t think thats good for either party.
Really well said, Yondalla — especially the third paragraph!!
It’s interesting how different state laws are (interesting and frustrating). In Ohio, there is NO WAY hopeful adoptive parents could help out with rent and groceries. We had to get our social worker’s ok to send flowers to the hospital even and we were told NOT to bring any kind of gift when we visited.
Pennsylvania is strikingly similar. The only thing potential adoptive parents are allowed to help with are medical bills.
Devil’s Advocate or not, potential adoptive parents sometimes make this mistake. Whether they are advised to or not to by their agency, they make the conscious decision to go ahead and put stuff on the line when a “return” is not guaranteed.
I firmly stand by the belief that potential adoptive parents shouldn’t be paying expenses. I firmly believe it creates a feeling of obligation and acts as a coercive measure when it comes to placement. But you also can’t make people listen even if you have their best interests in mind/at heart.
Whether it is legal in a state or not (to have “birthmother” expenses), doesn’t mean that it is morally or ethically right and those participating in such a thing are taking the risk. Blame can be placed on both parties if you feel the need to place it but, in the end, it’s simply not right.
Jenna, this is very well said and I totally agree with you re., hopeful adoptive parents not paying for expenses. I hope that this somehow changes as the reform movement presses on.
What part of Canada are you from, I am from Nova Scotia.
Your right, we are lucky, child birth is free.
Tkay
I have heard of PAPs paying medical expenses when the expectant mom can probably qualify for her state’s maternity Medicaid, as it’s easier to qualify for this limited type in most states. My niece was born on Nevada’s Baby Your Baby and my close friends qualified in NC. These were married working couples; if they qualify I am sure most mothers who are considering adoption (especially for financial reasons) and don’t have insurance probably would as well.
Seems to me that some agencies may be purposefully encouraging this to give the PAPs a sense of being owed, and the expectant mother a sense of owing. If they, instead helped all expectant mothers who contact an agency apply for it, I have a feeling this wouldn’t be nearly the issue that it is.
That wouldn’t benefit the adoption industry though. How many expectant moms might not consider relinquishment if that big scary 10s of thousands of dollars wasn’t looming?
I wonder if some agencies aren’t helping women get Maternity Medicaid AND charging the PAPs for “medical expenses” and pocketing it. Wouldn’t be unheard of…some private disability insurance companies have been caught collecting premiums, but then forcing the insured to apply for SS disability benefits.
Calgary, Alberta
A long way from where you live.